thursday = worst day ever...

I was actually in a good mood at school. I love art, and i have a ton of art classes at my highschool so i get excited to come to school (and because im a senior ) but anyways,

1st period, the guidence councelor walks into my class and said she needed to see me in the hall...when i got to her she said she needed to see me in her office 4th period...so i went to see her then and she told me people have been coming up to her and saying that im too skinny and im always tired.

i definately agree im too skinny, but i ONLY only only throw up at my house. i NEVER throw up anywhere else other than my own home. and my volleyball team have been reporting i've been throwing up at one of the players houses (which i NEVER did!!!!!!)

THis isnt the first time the counselor came up to me and has talked to me. and everytime she does i get mad because i want to keep this a secret, i'm afraid of admitting i have an ED. So i got upset and started crying because i kept denying i was bulimic and she said she had already called my mom. She asked me if i wanted to prove to everyone i wasnt sick by weighing myself and i said no because its none of their buisness and i dont care how much i weigh...
PRETTY MUCH...i lied horribly to her.

Talking to my mom wasnt hard at all....My dad is a health teacher, he hasnt said anything to me...yet....and my moms a respitory theripist and she, at first, was watching closely to see if i was puking but then she realized that it was stupid because she "knew" i never would, so she stopped watching me. Now shes going to call the counselor back and be like "stop harrassing my daughter, shes perfectly fine" and when my mom told me that i just started crying...she thought i was crying because i knew my mom cared for me....but i was really crying about how back i want this to stop. now my parents want to take me to the doctor and get tests "to prove that people are wrong...that im not sick". i wont go tho...i cant stand needles, and if they find out i have an ED...it will be the worst thing in the world...im serious i cant do it....ughhh i want to be normal again....i have no friends....i dont get playing time for volleyball...i try so hard at practice tho, but all it does is get me nowhere.

my senior year sucks...i just wanna freakin die.


the only reason i started being bulimic is because i want to model. SO BAD...its my dream....and i want to walk to runway like kate moss and be beautiful and travel all over the world...uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh


im sorry if this was disturbing to read, i just have alot on my mind with my dad being in the hospital...he has to get both his knees replaced and he found out he has kidney failure and needs a new kidney...and we're in debt so bad i dont know if im going to college...

ahh im sorry, I totally understand, u want to be out of this cycle of bulimia, yet its your life & u think without it, well you cant be what u want...

Babe, plz plz try & talk with the counciller & maybe they can help you, I dont know what 2 say im not good at this sort of thing, I just know how u feel.

Take care, stay strong .xx

Your post made my heart freeze, DreamC. It was weird! Like someone clutching it hard in agony at your situation.

I don't know what to say, really.

It's hard to tell you to get help when the people who are trying to help you are scaring you off. Is there someone else you can go to outside of school/outside of your family?

I know that before I told anyone, I was a mess. After every event that led me to wanting to stop, I'd decide to tell someone. But for ages, I never did, because I knew that I'd regret it the next day because I'd want to keep up my bad eating habits. I wanted people to help me stop, but I didn't want them to stop me if I wanted to keep doing it!!! Sounds stupid, but I'm hoping it will mean something to you. From experience, I know that people won't make you stop. It's still up to you. The only difference is, after telling someone, you don't feel so alone, and you realise more how much you really do want to stop.

And people aren't stupid. They know something's wrong. I've found that many times people's imaginations are worse than the reality! At least if you're seeing someone else, you can tell the school counsellor that you are getting help for certain things in your life, and to please leave you alone while you work on it with the other therapist.

And you can let your parents know you're seeing someone, too. You don't even have to say it's anything to do with eating; even something about having a hard time dealing with your Dad being unwell?

I wish things were as simple as changing your eating habits. I wish I could tell you things like...if you want to be a model, you're obvoiusly beautiful, but bulimia will only make your face puffy, so try not to do it!

But I know there are always more things to it than just a bad habit and even more than body image. This is why therapists can be great. They can discuss things with you that you probably would never think had anything to do with your eating behaviour. Sometimes it's lots of things just piling up, and Ana or Mia is a form of stress relief/something you can control.

Anyway, I'll sign off here. Just want you to know I'm here for ya darl. And you are fifty steps ahead of a lot of people in life. You have a dream, and you know a few things that you enjoy doing. Hold on to those things - they will be your guiding lights on the road to recovery.

Luv U-Light. OXOXO.

^^ Light has a lot of good points, as usual!

First I just want to say that it's amazing how many people are concerned about you. You must be a really amazing person to have that kind of attention from so many people . At the very least you know you are loved.

I'd also suggest telling someone. If you don't feel comfortable with a counsellor, try a friend. I heartily disagree with that counsellor telling your mother, that is not fair OR helpful. If you feel wierd talking to a friend, try a doctor: they HAVE to keep things confidential if you ask them to. And if none of these options are working, try posting more often here. Keep us updated, good days, bad days, for advice, or just for ranting. It REALLY helps to get it out. Check other people's posts to see how they've dealt with it. There are a lot of good ideas floating around here.

Myself, I never told my parents, doctor, or counsellor (well, I don't have a counsellor anyway, lol). I did however tell a couple close friends. They have been very supportive, trying to understand, and not forcing me to stop. Julie especially realizes how difficult this disorder is and that the best thing she can do is be there for me when I need to talk. If your friends are good friends, they'll be just as understanding and helpful.

Don't feel bad about lying to your counsellor. She (she or he?) handled the situation really badly anyways. Don't feel bad about lying to your parents. There are just some things you can't tell your parents. The lies aren't hurting them after all, you sound like you only lied to protect yourself. Understandable.

But you sound like you really need to get things out. So start talkin' girly . Someone will be there to listen and help.