I don't have to be "in control" I just have to be healthy.

Hello,

I'm really not new at this, maybe new at the forum but not at this area. You see I have been thin up until I turned 21 just then drastically my life changed! I went on new anti-psychosis meds for my Bipolar disorder and I gained alot of weight. For the past seven years I have been obese. Living the life of somebody who is huge can be devastating at times. Nasty comments are made when I am out in public, the aisles seem too narrow for me to get through have to take the long way around..etc..etc..

It's no excuse but it's the reason the reason I feel the need to after I have eaten a lot of something or something that isn't healthy, I fake "sick" and make myself throw up. I use the "I have the flu" excuse. It's been on and off ever since I gained the weight.

I look into the mirror sometimes and I can't recognize myself. It's a scary thing when you can't recognize yourself. You feel distant, isolated, unworthy and ugly. Poor self esteem I would say is my biggest problem.

I used to weight 290 and now I weight 252 not from Bulimia but because at one point in my life, I got my act together and I lost weight by exercising and eating healthy.

Well during that time the Bulimia was gone from my life. Now it's resurfaced ever since I set a deadline for my weight loss. I never felt I was in control of my weight, or food I have no control when it comes to food. That is how I gained weight in the first place.

I came clean to my Mom and she told me that I don't do it everyday or where it's severe but I need to find a way of focusing on getting healthy.

It seems like the "sick" routine never had anybody fooled.

Not even my Fiance (I am in a healthy relationship btw) It's just an unhealthy relationship with myself basically.
So I tell myself like the header suggests: "I don't have to be in "control" I just have to be healthy.


Lisa

Hi,

I'm very sad having read your post, lisa, as I know what it feels like to have comments made about you in public. Your mother seemed to be slightly dismissive of your problem though - did you get that vibe from her? Loved ones find it difficult to accept that those close to them (i.e. people like you and I) can be suffering with a mental problem. Friends seem better at accepting it, but even then it's not something that is easily accepted. In your case, specifically, don't you think that you should go to your doctor? Admit that you need help on this issue and then put your 'life' briefly in the hands of the doctor. People try and try again to get through their problems on their own, but many fail.

Kevin