I know what's going on but have no-one with the same trouble

woah. How much blood, it's either you've scratched your throat of your ripping something-has anymore come up?
How did counseling go? Sorry I've been a bit rubbish at replying, ever since my bofo read it I've been a bit scared to write.
I went to see the guy again on monday, I don't know weather to carry on cos what he's making me do doesn't really corospnd to what's happening in my life. He keeps saying that I have to eat this and that to stop me binging-but I don't binge. He always goes on about carbs and sweet things being what the body desires and that when i go shopping that's why i put all the rubbish in my basket-only I odn't-I never put rubbish in my basket-i refuse. I only have salad a healthy stuff.
I also want to do as much excersie as poss but my boyfriends like 'you can't' its so annoying. I'm going to the gym three times a week plus doing some form of excerise everyday (tennis, walking etc) I will exceise!
I've been eating pretty normally to be honest-calories and stuff have kinda gone out the window, I'ms till eating below the limit but my system works for me.
The guy was telling me I had to eat every 4 hours...bull $#%^ am I going to do that. He also said not to eat when I was hungry, whtever, I'm going to eat when I'm hungry and I'm going to stop until I'm full.
Recently I've been slipping a bit but that's becasue i'm not buying the food-I'll go get a tonne of fruit tomoz as thats wht I aminly like eating.
I think you should maybe start writing a diary-not a food one, like a personlone. Then you can at least get out some of your probelms-its really helped me in the past. Also I would really go to your doctor about the blood, jsut get checked out-its all confidential.
Some days are worse than others, walking out of school isn't the worst thing that could happen. You obviously needed a break and some time to yourself, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, all that matters is that you needed space and you gave it to yourself. Sometimes you have to step back and out of somethings to get clarity. It might seem like your all alone-but your not really. I think I am alone alot and I am lonely alot, but its becasue I don't have anything to boost my confidence-if i go to work where I matter a little bit then my confidence is boosted and I feel happy.
Hope your ok...keep me posted ok x

Hiya,I thought that was why you hadn't posted.
It was about a half a cup full, thats ok right? Its happened before just never that much. I just purged and there wasn't any so hopefully it will be ok
Counseling went quite badly, they wnat me to go on anti-depressants with seretonin in because they are supposed to make you less hungry. I like the idea of that because then if I ate loads of them in one go then maybe I wouldn't binge anymore. I refused to take them though, if I want to get better I want to do it by myself. They say that there going to keep trying to persuade me- another waste of my time! Sounds like your counselor is doing the same thing. I hate it when they go on about things that don't relate to you at all- like when they tried to get me to admit that I ate in the night (when I don't and I never will because thats disgusting!!) i think You should stick it out though because you might regret it if you don't. I know sometimes I feel like giving up when they tell me I should do things I'm already doing (such as stopping eating in the night) but they can't always get it right! You should tell them that you don't do that (if there anything like my one they will tell you "you need to admit you have a problem before you can recover") if not maybe you should try and find yourself a different one because maybe they could help you more.
They told me I have to eat that often to! HOW???? What do they expect you to do- eat all the time! Then they try to stop you exercising as well- they want to make me fat (thats how it feels!) I have cut down on exercise a lot because they said I was doing too much. I need to do that amount though- they don't understand. I'm going to start doing some more (will start getting up in the night to do sit ups again so they don't know) He can't stop you, so don't listen to him.
I am supposed to eat normally for three days in a row this week (my target for the week set by my counselor) I'm going to try it starting from tommorow- I think. I haven't really decided, I purged tonight so will put on weight if I do. How much exercise do I need to do to burn all of that off?

Bascially if you set yourself a target point to walk to thats say 45 mins away. Walk there and back which is an hour and a half, you can listen to music and chill, then you'll be burning off about 800/900 cals which will be most of what you eat. PLus living burns them off too. talk more soon will post again tonight

Anyway, sorry. That is quite alot of blood. I think having three normal days will help heal things up a bit. What is the core to your depression? Once you have that figured out you can start to help yourself towards not being depressed I guess. Thta's so much easier said than done, but I agree try hard without the pills and see how it goes. What I don't think they get is that its not about being not hungry, we'll eat anyway it doesn't matter if we're hungry or not you know. In fact I like being a bit hungry, its kind of a feeling that lets you know you still exist I suppose. Always being satisfied never feels quite right in a way.
Are you trying to distract yourself from purging? Like after meals leaving the house for about 30mins or going into your bedroom and watching a film or something-keeping away from the bathroom until the urge to purge is over?

Its not because I'm depressed that they want me to go on anti-depressants, its just supposed to help you cut down on binging. Don't think I'm depressed (but who knows )
I eat when I'm not hungry at all, so that it hurts my stomach. I will do anything to punish myself; like today I ate breakfast so I went for a 4 mile walk. Then when I got back I decided that I would try and eat lunch, I ate that then I felt so disgusted with myself and couldn't throw up because my mum made me go out with her. So when I got back it was too late to throw up. So I wanted to go for a bike ride because my mum doesn't want me to go walking (I think she is scared I will get run over or somethin!) But my bike was locked in the shed! So with absolutely no way of purging I ate some more so that I would regret eating even more. I just wanted to feel even worse!
So, in a round about way I have avoided purging I feel really disgusting- but I also feel like I deserve to feel like this! But then at the same time as that i also feel like I don't deserve food so I should purge, but then I don't want to purge because then I would be going back on my promise to my counseller, but then I don't want to do what the counselor says because its not what I want its what she wants, or do I want that? I have no idea! Is your head as confused as this? Its like every decision I have to make there are so many different choices that I can't decide because I want them all at the same time! Somehow I'm supposed to work out which one is the 'eating disorder voice' and which one is what I want. Sounds easy enough
Have you been purging recently or are you managing to resist? Hope your alright. x

hey,
sorry its been a while. Haven't been great, well doing great with not purging and starting toeat well again. been having three meals a dayfor ages now-still low calorie but it feels goof. I think i'll always be weird with food, like now instead of grazing n the itchen I'm taking the things i'd graze on, putting them on a plate going into a different room and eating them. Usually by the time I've done that its taken a while so i've been able to think about weather i want it or not.
Been to counsiling again, still don't know if its for me, he keeps barking on about why did i have this sweet thing after my meal. I say its cos its pudding, normal people usually have something sweet after a meal. its not like i've been gorging myself with sweet stuff,at most last week in one day i had an ice cream and a packet of jelly beans-not alot, yet he makes it out to be like a binge or something and always makes me feel bad about it. So am just oging to lie and not bother writing down the sweet things I have.
Plus some of the things he suggests are so generic and not related to me at all, he's like plan your food the day before, that''ll stop binges, but I don't binge-so annoying.
I think the main problem is more my self image and selfesteem, I'm so sad about my family and how pantsthey are that thats all i think about about, when I allow myself to think that is. I wish there was someway I could just cut ties.
How have you been, doing better. Did you manage the three days?

Hiya,
I didn't manage the three days. I've now been told I have to do 5 meals a day for 6 days instead! Its so stupid- how do they expect me to do that when I can't even keep a cracker down!! I've given up on doing what they tell me to do because it seems to me that all they want is me to do exactly what they tell me as if its the easiest thing in the world.
I haven't eaten in three days now and the 2 days before that I purged the little amount I ate. I've also increased my exercise so that I'm doing at least 2 hours a day.
The counselor said that if I don't improve soon then they might have to hospitalize me. I don't think they will though because I'm not thin enough to go to hospital. They can't make me either. I've decided that I'm definatly going to make a fake food diary this week so that they get off of my case. I know I shouldn't do it but I feel like i have to lie to them. Plus , if I told the truth then they might try and stop me or force me to go on the drugs.
Anyway, how are you? It seems like you've got a structure to what you do, which is good. The counsellor doesn't seem to be helping much- he should actually listen to you, he seems like a bit of an idiot!!
You should try and focus on the things that make you feel good about yourself- like your work?- that should boost your self esteem. Or you could try what I did, which is getting a peice of string and making it into a shape you think is the same size as a part of your body (like your waist) then seeing how different you see yourself from what you actually look like. When I did it the string was twice the length my waist actually was. It might make you feel better for a while.

Hey
Doesn't sound so good-hospitlization! If it was me in that situation I'd kinda want to go (sounds weird) but do you know what I mean? People would fuss and lots of attention would be on me kinda thing,I guess that's really selfish, but it would be like hitting rock bottom, and theres only one way to go when your at the very bottom. What do you think is good for you? What do you want to happen to you?
I still want to loose weight, I really want to go to the gym like alot but at the moment its closed for referbishment-so annoying. I want to burn off all this fat. Spesh love handles and thighs, I just want them to go and I think it can happen. You see all these people loosing weight through excessive excerise so it works! And it'll work of me-Next week I want to loose 3lb- will be had though as I'm up in london with no gym. So maybe it should be my goal or the week after. I'm going to go to the gym three times a week and do spin-i'll be sure to loose something!
How about you, have you lost anything?

I know exactly what you mean- when they said it to me I was kind of shocked and really didn't want to go. But then the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea, because it is kind of like evidence that I am succeeding. Its sounds wrong but I'm so proud of the fact that I've managed to get this far. I just like the fact that they want me to go, but I don't actually want to go because then they would force me to eat and get 'better'.
I lost nearly half a stone last week , which is alright I suppose. I wanted it to be more though. I'm so fat though still. I think exercise has to be the answer.
I will write again soon but my mum is watching me.

woah that's a fair amount of weight, you probs got rid of lots of water weight. I'm finding it so hard to shift anything, but i reackon if I carry on the way I'm eating and just up my intake of excersise it'll work-can't wait or the gym to be open again. I promised my bofo I'd only go three times a week, but I didn't say for how long. Probs do like an hour workout then go for a 45min swim-by the end of the summer I will be a small size 10/8