Someone help me understand

Hi everyone. This is my first time on an online forum of this nature. Not sure if anyone will even comment on it but I figured it would just feel good to let it all out. I am a 25 year old female social worker. Yeah... social worker but yet I can’t get a firm grasp on how to maneuver or identify what I am going through. I’ve been purging since maybe age 17 or so. I’ve always had a negative body image. I am 105 lbs, highest weight was 124. I’m 5 foot 2 and look normal for my height and weight. I don’t try to lose weight necessarily but I don’t want to gain any either.

I don’t remember how I began or why I wanted to initially. I just remember using straws at first and then realizing my fingers were much easier. I used to have to hide the straws in the garbage. I don’t purposely binge and then purge. I feel like I am not a textbook bulimic. I don’t eat tons of food with the idea that I will purge right after. I think I eat a lot out of being depressed, and then I feel so disgusted with myself after that I can’t help but go to the bathroom and relieve myself. I just can’t handle the feeling of knowing my body is absorbing all of the food I shouldn’t have just eaten.

I can go weeks without doing it, but there are also days I do it after every meal. It’s a mind game. It doesn’t matter where, either. Restaurants , work, my parents house. I’ve gotten so good at being quiet and discreet that it worries me. That I’ve made it too much of a routine. Why can’t I eat a normal amount , or healthier foods, and not feel so guilty after? That could stop it all I think. Or maybe it wouldn’t. I don’t know what I’m getting to here. I just feel alone. I suffer from anxiety and depression too. I don’t feel like I need an intervention. I don’t do it all the time. But when I think about doing it, I have an overwhelming urge to. Again, I hate feeling disgustingly full. I purge to try to rewind what I just did. While I have body image issues, my appearance never really changes and I’m semi okay with that. I’m scared of being big but I also don’t have the energy to be fit and active. If I can go days without doing it, do I really have a problem? If I’m normal weight and don’t show physical symptoms of the turmoil I put my body through, am I just fine enough? I just don’t want to feel alone in this. I can’t quite figure myself out or what I want.