should i marry this man? or how to help him help me?

Hi guys,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.
I'm 22 and living in Germany with my fiancee. I don't even know where to start...
I've had bulimia since I turned 15 and it has been ups and downs but I got a lot better in the last few years. I've had anorexia for a little while between 15 and 16 years old but mostly it was bulimia. In September 2012, however, I decided to really go for help. I had been in therapy for years and most of my friends and family knows about my problem, but I was always kinda hoping it would just fade away with time. It didn't.

So I finally went for help online, and I found great tips, created my own personal recovery diary and with the help of my friends and ex boyfriend, I finally stopped purging. I also started gaining a lot of weight because even though I stopped purging, I didn't stop binging. Things got worse when a few months later (march 2013) I had pneumonia and went into an induced coma for two weeks and when I woke up, my body was totally different! It was bloated and I had stretch marks all over it and scars from the hospitalization. I felt awful. It was really hard to overcome that, but I was so glad I was alive, and seeing all those people worried about me made me realize maybe I'm not a bad person after all.

My ex then called me fat in July 2013 (I wasn't binging anymore but I guess the medication made me gain weight over time... I don't know. I gained like 10kg after I left the hospital and I wasn't even allowed to eat a bunch of stuff). So I broke up with him. You see, he was there when I decided to get help, he was there when I struggled not to binge and not to purge, he was there when I was in a comma and still he had the guts to call me fat. Like we had an argument and he said that. And it hurt me like hell but I had decided by then that nobody was going to make me feel bad about myself, so I broke up with him. I really loved him and it was really hard, but I had to do it cause otherwise I might have gone back to bulimia just to get skinnier (yeah, like bulimia even helps) and please him.

So I broke the chains and moved to Germany, and I met this guy. I didn't want to meet anybody, I wanted to be alone so I could focus even more on my recovery (night binges were still there) but he was romantic and patient and even though I tried pushing him away (like telling him on out first week together that I had an ED, and many other crazy things that happened in my life. I was basically yelling *IM BROKEN LEAVE ME ALONE*) but he didn't seem to care. He said I'm the best person he knows, that my heart is big and that I'm caring. He says he sees past all my problems because of the way I treat people and talk about them with no judgement. I know he really loves me.

So to make things "easier" in this relationship, I decided I would be completely open. I hadn't been throwing up but I know my triggers so I basically gave him a few rules to follow.
Don't watch me while I eat. Move on with your own food or I'll get paranoid. Even if I eat a bull... Don't say anything, don't even think anything about it.
Never comment on my weight. If you tell me I lost weight I'll like that and maybe start a diet to lose more weight. If you think I've gained weight, believe me, I'll have already noticed and do my best to control it without freaking out. If you tell me I've gained weight it might destroy me and my recovery.

Anyways stuff like that.

About two weeks ago we were talking and I told him I needed help accepting my body. He likes chubby girls so I knew he'd be perfect to help me see my body the way he sees it. I told him to constantly tell me why he loves my body and my belly so much. I told him I was ready to accept my body and not fight against it anymore, because I was not binging anymore, and I was eating VERY healthy food and sometimes sweets and stuff but that food didn't control me as much as it had, so I felt great and didn't want to let my body change that amazing feeling.

The week passed and he didn't say anything. But I kept on fighting for it and slowly started accepting my body. On the next weekend we went shopping for a white dress to wear in my wedding and while dressing up I actually thought I looked pretty. I saw past my belly and my fat. It felt great. And I couldn't have done it if I didn't have him, because he truly honestly likes chubby girls.

On the next day, we were watching movies and later we cleaned up a few things, I put on a blue sweater and then, out of the blue, he put his hands on my belly and said "I don't know how to say this but... We need to take care of your belly though."

...

I looked at him and I said "Hmm.. Ok."
I went to a room, closed the door and stared in silence. And I cried. Why would he say that? Everything was perfect and I finally trusted him. I finally felt better about my body, I was eating healthy and... I cried, I cut myself, I threw up. I felt horrible. He knocked on the door, tried to talk to me but I shut him away.

After a lot of screaming and talking, I decided to let it go, but the week after that was just awful. Every meal was stressful, I started binging again, and I had to fall asleep not to purge an old trick of mine - sleeping pills not to purge), and I started resenting him a lot. All the explanations he gave me about why he said it make no sense, because I specifically told him not to ever mention anything about it. To that he said "I don't always listen, but I'll start listening from today on."

He got scared cause he almost lost me. Cause I promised myself never to be with anyone who would harm my recovery.

The week passed and we had arguments again because I told him how hard he made me life again. How hard it was not to throw up and how hard it was being alone with food (he works all day and I'm not allowed to work until we get married. Visa stuff). He had this thing with his friends this weekend, camping. He had been looking forward to it for months, so I didn't have the guts to ask him to stay with me, but staying alone was a bad idea. I don't know many people in Germany, so there was no other option. I tried telling him it was hard, but he chose not to listen. He chose to say "Yeah I know I'm sorry" and walked away so he wouldn't listen to me complaining anymore. Yesterday when he left I was in bed, sleeping pills, cause I wanted to throw up so badly cause I had a binge before he came home. He asked me "Is everything ok?" "I said "yes". Usually I say the truth, but I couldn't tell him not to go.

He left.

Yesterday I promised myself I'd be a good girl and I not binge nor purge. I did "ok" with my dinner but a few hours later I had a binge and I purged... 3 times. I just felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to throw up so badly! I've tried asking him for help, but unless I yell or cry, he won't listen! He never googled anything about bulimia, even though I specifically told him to. He understands a bit about it from what I said and he's supportive, but I think maybe deep down he's in denial or doesn't think he can help. The point is, I'm trying to be as open as possible, but I feel awful if I have to keep talking about it, because I feel like I'm being annoying. And he just doesn't know how to LISTEN. I told him many times I don't need advice.. I need someone to listen. But he can't.

We are bout to get married soon and I just keep thinking I'm not fit to get married. I should be alone while I have this problem. Cause whatever he does right now, I don't trust him anymore. Cause whenever I talk I feel like he isn't listening. I sent him a few links to read about bulimia and I hope he does, but what should I do? I need tips from anyone, on how to talk to him. What to tell him. I'm falling back into bulimia, but if he expects me to do all the work alone, then I'm leaving him. Because it's a lot easier to work alone if you're actually alone. Not while living with someone who won't keep an eye out and ask you if u need to talk. Etc.

Sorry, this was a huge text.
But I'm about to break up and I don't know if it's bulimia trying to isolate me, me trying to save him, or myself. I felt good before. Then why does it feel so bad right now?

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now. It's really tough when someone you love doesn't understand something that is such a big part of your life. It sounds like you've made every effort to help him understand, and it is odd that he has suddenly changed his tune. Do you think there is something going on in his life that has changed his perspective on bulimia? Perhaps he did not realize the depth of the illness? Sometimes it's hard to truly understand the depth of mental illness (or any illness) unless you or someone you know has been through it. (And even if it's someone you know, still hard to fully understand.)

My suggestion would be to find a book, an article from a reputable source, or something like that to give him. Instead of asking him to find the resource himself, giving him one, especially one that relates to you, may get his mind going. You can't make him read it, but it's worth a shot.

Whatever you do, make sure to take care of you first. Don't let him derail your recovery. What you do about the wedding is totally your choice, but just make sure you are willing to do whatever's best for you, even if it's hard.

gratteciel wrote:Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now. It's really tough when someone you love doesn't understand something that is such a big part of your life. It sounds like you've made every effort to help him understand, and it is odd that he has suddenly changed his tune. Do you think there is something going on in his life that has changed his perspective on bulimia? Perhaps he did not realize the depth of the illness? Sometimes it's hard to truly understand the depth of mental illness (or any illness) unless you or someone you know has been through it. (And even if it's someone you know, still hard to fully understand.)

My suggestion would be to find a book, an article from a reputable source, or something like that to give him. Instead of asking him to find the resource himself, giving him one, especially one that relates to you, may get his mind going. You can't make him read it, but it's worth a shot.

Whatever you do, make sure to take care of you first. Don't let him derail your recovery. What you do about the wedding is totally your choice, but just make sure you are willing to do whatever's best for you, even if it's hard.

Thank you so much for the answer! I did what you said and sent him a few articles that I found good. I hope he reads it. I will put myself first. Can't let anything or anyone make me go back to that he'll that is bulimia.
I never thought anyone would answer because of how long my post was, so thank you again!

Best of luck! I hope it works out. You do sound like you have a great outlook on it - recovery first. Please keep us posted and let us know if we can help with anything.