dont understand

Ok I was on such a good path.. Ive had bulimia and anorexia before in the past for a coouple of yeara then i got back on track finally and the whole thing didnt appeal to me anymore. I kinda scarred myself away from it and becane realy healthy. I was at my best weight ever and keeping stable with ease. I never got the erge to binge or purge at all. For some reason i have started again. Now I have gained some weight back and i feel ugly and fat and horrible.

I thought i was so happy because ifelt like i acomplished something big all by myself. I got into a good course at uni and started off ok.

But now I have deferred uni and throw up everyday and i dont know why. I mean i dont even enjoy it at all it used to be a drug for me but its not anymore it doesnt do anything for me but i still do it.

I used to be able to give great advice on health issues to anyone and everyone.

god i dont know anymore i feel like killing myself all the time i cant tell anyone about it and i cant get out of it.

Dealing w/ an eating disorder, in my opinion at least (because I don't know if it's fact or not) is like dealing w/ a disease such as alcoholism or drug addiction....once you deal w/ it and recover.....you are not "cured".....you are a "recovering alocholic" or "recovering user", etc. It's not uncommon to receive help for your eating disorder and be free from it for many years only to find yourself struggling w/ the eating disorder years later.

I dealt w/ bulimia off and on all throughout my Jr. High and High school years. Nothing too serious. Never in too deep to cause myself harm or even raise any eyebrows. Then in my adult years.....spring of 2000.....that's when it really took over. I guess it had always been there for me. But this phase of my life is when I really saw it spiral out of control and really take some real and deep roots for myself. It's the time of my life where I did real damage, not just sort of "play around w/ it" if you you will. After a time I got help through my dr. and counseling. Not before doing some serious damage to myself physically and emotionally. It took a lot of hard work but I finally got to a safe place. I was doing well and now here I am almost 6 years later and once again I find myself....all this time later.....struggling w/ my eating disorder. But what I found so surprising for myself was that I feel at a really good place in my life. I didn't feel like I was at a stressful place in my life. Didn't feel like I was depressed or going through any real major things, etc. and yet I finally had to accept that my eating disorder is back and I don't fully understand what reasons are behind things this time. I tried to deny this to myself and did so quite well for a while. But once again I've done physical damage in denying that I could have a problem again or denying that it could come back or that it could only be bad if my life were bad, etc. I had to accept that it IS this bad and I do need help. Making the call for help was not easy. But taking the steps to get help does feel good. It's not easy asking for help and I'm only taking small steps. Taking things a day at a time.

I don't know.....I guess I hope by sharing my story I can spark something for you? Just realize that it's not always a one time thing ok? Yes. This can happen more then once. It doesn't equate to any sort of failure in yourself either. Your not ugly or fat and you most certainly are not horrible. This is a terrible disorder. A disease and it's a very hard and complicated thing to fight. Fighting it alone is never the answer. Think back to the first time you sought help and ask yourself if it wasn't easier then going through things alone or if it wasn't better then just flat out living w/ the eating disorder. Consider getting help once again. Seek out counseling....talk w/ your dr. Talk here for support........this is not something you should try to do alone......it's just way too big for that...............