Bulimarexia/alcoholism/anxiety

Hello all,
I am lost in a whirlwind right now. I have never been overweight, but in the past slightly chubby. I am 5'5 and in 2003 someone made a comment to me when i weighed about 145-150. I had a meal later and felt so guilty that i threw up immediately later. This turned into a habit. 3 months later, i was 105 lbs. It seemed so easy. i got into a relationship that turned very abusive. i am thrilled to still have my life. but i stacked on some weight with him, because he would never let me go to the bathroom alone. I left him, and dropped the weight. met a new boyfriend, and you can guess, same thing. gained weight, broke up, lost weight, got back together, broke up, lost weight, etc... only one thing really spooks me right now. I graduated with my degree in psychology, and when psycho #1 was in the picture, i was in law school, and actually left because of him. The point is, counseling is something that i have trouble taking seriously since i studied it in my field work. Now, I have slapped on more problems, because i cannot sleep without a drink. So my life consists of eating (rarely, and never purging) and drinking myself stupid. I am so lost, and i can clearly see a correlation between dependency on a man in my life and my terrible habits. The sickening thing is that regardless of my recognition of the problem, the root, and the obvious answer, i seem to have lost control and can not stop myself from throwing up, drinking, weighing myself, and ensuring i stay under 800 calories a day (pre-alcohol). I feel like a psycho. Any suggestions?

i said eating rarely and never purging, i meant eating rarely and never binging, purging always.

i'm afraid i don't have any specific advice to give you but i'm replying to tell you that you're not alone and not a psycho... i myself am bulimic and have found myself dependant on men and i think it's to do with a lack of self worth and the unfounded belief that to live without a man is v hard and you're alone you're very unhappy. but in actual fact when you're with a man you're not any happier but at least you're not ALONE at least some one cares which means you must be worth something.. or that's how it is for me if you don't feel this is the case for you..

i do think you should try getting some psychological help as it seems to me you're getting more and more self-destructive with the alcohol (which i believe helps numb the pain) and your choice in men. I've also a degree in psychology, like yourself, and think it's IMPERATIVE when helping people to work on yourself as i feel not to could be dangerous as can influence your work you do with others. But first of all you should do it for yourself. i don't believe that you feel this is how you want to live and without help i don't know how things can change...

I've been in therapy over two years and it's helping me deal with the underlying issues of why i'm lacking in self confidence and self worth and how to try and change this, but at the same time, as i've said before, in another post, i haven't yet fully revealed my bulimia, to my therapist,as am scared to, so i understand it's very scary going to see someone. i finally did it when i felt i couldn't stand living life the way i was and didn't know how to change on my own..

i hope this post may help you feel a little less crazy and help you find the courage and strength to seek help.. already coming here is an important step and a start..

take care

I am so glad you wrote this, because i too have an ED and drug/alcohol problems and I've not yet met anyone who does both.
They seem contradictory behaviours, what with all the calories in alcohol.
But I'd rather have them, than eat food- at least I can feel drunk.
You say you see a correlation between things, I wonder if you can explore your feelings about being dependant on men.
As sadsunflower said, it probably is to do with self-worth, but this is something that has to be learnt from within (and I have yet to find out how).
Anyway, please know that you're not alone.