Am I justified in feeling this way? *possible trigger*

Is my BPD getting the best of me, or am I justified in feeling this way? And can anyone relate?

I wrote a text message to my friend a few hours ago apologizing for being so moody around him lately, and I tried to reassure him that it had nothing to do with him, and all to do with me. I spilled my heart out to him and told him that I loved him.

It's been a few hours now and I still haven't received a reply. And I suspect I never will because this is not the first time he's ignored me.

I feel so STUPID for opening up to him if he's going to just slough me off like that... does he not care about me at all? He's been very sweet to me in the past, but that means nothing now that I've seen his true colors. He's said things to make me feel special in the past, but they're in all eventuality ALL LIES. Why did I ever believe them? He goes out of his way to help his other friends... even traveling thousands of miles in the process, but why not me?

I hope he enjoys being around his other friends because he's never going to hear from me again. He's worthless trash and if he can't be there for me right NOW when I need it the most, he may as well not exist or ever have existed.

I couldn't tell you if you're justified in feeling this way or not because I've been in the exact same situation just 2 weeks ago, and I feel like I overreacted, but I'm not sure. I can definitely relate, however, because I've done the exact same thing, and felt the exact same way. In fact, I still hate that friend, and I'm still ignoring her, but I saw and talked to her recently, and I started the whole idealization process over again, but now I hate her again. From what happened to me, I figure you'll probably fluctuate between black and white feelings until it's been long enough that you stop caring about him entirely. That is, if he continues to ignore you. If not then it'd be hard not to start feeling guilty and idealizing him again. At least that's probably what would happen to me. Anyways, I'm just rambling, I can't offer anything of use to you, and I apologize for that, but I hope you feel better and I hope things get better for you.

RunawayTrain wrote:I wrote a text message to my friend a few hours ago apologizing for being so moody around him lately, and I tried to reassure him that it had nothing to do with him, and all to do with me. I spilled my heart out to him and told him that I loved him.

That's commendable. It takes a strong person to do what you did and you should take pride in knowing you did the right thing.

Obviously we don't know the details of what happened but it's not uncommon for other people to need time in order for them to get out of emotional thinking (any human can get stuck in that under the correct circumstances) so that they can make the best choices and avoid mistakes.

It's been a few hours now and I still haven't received a reply. And I suspect I never will because this is not the first time he's ignored me.

Abandonment fears. If your friend had abandoned/wrote you off in the past (ala "not the first time"), you wouldn't even be talking to him recently to feel the need to explain/apologize for whatever happened. Suspecting you'll never receive a reply is what is called fortune telling; it's assuming something you cannot possibly know and is common with BPD. It's likely you've probably felt and said something similar in the past about the same person and yet the person remained in your life.

I feel so STUPID for opening up to him if he's going to just slough me off like that... does he not care about me at all? He's been very sweet to me in the past, but that means nothing now that I've seen his true colors.

Intimacy fears, Self-deprecation and Black and white thinking: You say you know he's been sweet to you but right now, because you want something to occur and it's not happening (or isn't happening in a certain timeframe), you're painting him black; splitting him. You've "seen his true colors"? You mention how helpful this person is to all of his friends (and has been to you as well) but it suddenly FEELS as though he may be bad. From your own words, It sounds like his real true colors are quite vivid and good. What you're feeling is a reaction to perceived abandonment. It's possible that what you're feeling is magnified even more because your text made you feel vulnerable - which is terrifying to many people suffering with BPD. By not receiving a reply right away, you're attempting to mind read and assuming it is rejection and that they do not care about you, even though logically, there is ample evidence that they do care. In fact, whatever occurred between the two of you may have hurt them emotionally. We cannot be hurt emotionally if we do not care. So, if they're hurt in any way, they DO care!

He's said things to make me feel special in the past, but they're in all eventuality ALL LIES.

Trust issues & Additional Black and White Thinking: Labeling everything he's ever said as "all lies" is certainly a textbook example of judgmental "all or nothing"/B&W thinking. One would have to ask: Would you rationally text someone if everything they've ever said or done was a lie? You wouldn't. Nobody would. In the little you wrote, you paint a picture of someone who appears to genuinely care about his friends (and I'll bet you're included in that). It sounds as though he was there for you in the past, making you feel special when you needed it. Right now, you need to feel special. You're in a bad place emotionally and you want him there. That's understandable. However, the situation may be one where he realistically needs some time to process things and because you're so overwhelmed by your emotions, you're in a panic and painting him as an evil, terrible person when he's likely trying to handle things the way that is best for himself. You're trying to mentally push him away and justify the emotions you feel - which may actually reactions to past trauma that occurred in your life.

Why did I ever believe them? He goes out of his way to help his other friends... even traveling thousands of miles in the process, but why not me?

Same as the previous comment.

I hope he enjoys being around his other friends because he's never going to hear from me again. He's worthless trash and if he can't be there for me right NOW when I need it the most, he may as well not exist or ever have existed.

More black and white thinking. In it, you're attempting to justify splitting him black and you're being incredibly harsh in the process.

In DBT, they teach that we can't control what we feel but we can control our reaction. If you are unfamiliar with DBT, you may want to Google "DTB Self-soothing techniques" or search the forum for some ideas. You might find something that will help you cope with what you are currently feeling. Obviously you're in emotional pain, and you're scared of losing your friend. Texting them was likely a good step in handling the situation in a healthy manner. Often BPD can make a bad situation become even worse. You'll know for sure if this is the case should you feel an urge to give him a piece of your mind for not responding quick enough for your liking. That's a sure-fire way to self-sabotage and make a bad thing much, much worse.

I understand that it is very difficult to do, but you really need to try and distract yourself so this person gets the time and space they may need so they can handle it rationally.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. But yes, from what you wrote, it appears the symptoms of BPD are getting the best of you. This friend must be very close to your heart. I hope you hear from them soon and it all works out.

The Winniken - Thank you for sharing, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who reacts like this to such situations. And thank you for the kind words. All I really want is some stability and consistency in my life.

Empathy201 - Very fitting name, by the way. You have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to write all of that and analyze my situation piece by piece. Even from the little I provided, you were spot on in your analysis - I have no idea how you did that. Thank you - I really needed that. I'm now getting a better understanding of why I react to things the way I do. If you'd like an update, I did get a response from that friend a couple of hours after posting this and he told me that everything was fine, and he was very understanding - told me to leave everything behind and move on. Reality is starting to kick back in and it's all frolicking puppies and rainbows again. I just don't want to go through another fall again. I will really look into DBT self-soothing techniques you suggested so I'll have something in my arsenal in case something like this happens again (it probably will - but at least I'll know how to cope with it). Thank you very much.

You're welcome and I'm very glad it's all puppies and rainbows again.

There's a blog called healingfrombpd.org where the author, who is learning DBT, shares a lot of what she is learning and journals how it's helping her and changing her life for the better. As I recall, she posts a lot of information about the DBT techniques and skills she is learning. I think she has a YouTube channel as well. You might find some helpful information on her site.

And thank you for the good update. It's nice to know you have someone like that in your life.

I haven't experienced the situation you're referring to. However, I have had a long discussion with my therapist about the same topic. I told her that "I shouldn't feel this way." in reference to having feelings of longing/jealousy/etc for an ex of mine. She told me that it's never wrong to feel. It's never wrong to experience emotion. Essentially it boiled down to "You should feel the way that you do, because you feel the way that you do.". She really gets on my case about my use of the word "should".

Anyway, you should never feel stupid for honesty. It takes courage to be honest, especially about ones own feelings. You should be proud that you told him at all, not stupid. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way, maybe he does. Either way, I envy your courage.

** Hugs **

In my opinion... Yer, you are justified. Not saying I am right... But we can have fun all being wrong together.

I've done an extremely similar thing... Poured my heart out to a friend that I thought was worth it only to be dismissed and ignored. I regretted doing it afterwards and just wished I had repressed (like I do 99.9% of the time).

Anyhows; your brain dump of feelings and emotions are welcome here!