How to be a friend when there's stress

Hi, I'm new to this forum, so apologise for not reading any posts yet.

I am also new at learning about borderline personality disorder and have a friend with it.

I would like to ask for advice from those with the condition, how I might best be a friend to those with the disorder? What I should do, when I struggle with coping with some of the characteristics? What I should do when the disorder puts a strain on our relationship?

Thanks

Little vague; might help if you specified some of the issues you're having with your BPD friend?

For me, I worry about how much people like me a lot; clear, concise reassurance goes a long way. For example, if I do something that I know you would get upset over I will feel terrible about it and imagine you hate me, and possibly avoid you for a while over it until I think it's passed - or until you let me know I'm just over-thinking the matter.

Yeh, that sounds familiar. I find it hard as a friend not to have consistency and stability in a relationship personally anyway. So I find it hard, esp because im a very sensitive person who has their own set of problems. I am wondering how much to talk to them about it, or whether this will make things worse.

I notice some behaviour which is protective, ie keeping me at a distance. Judgemental, ie. thinking about what people think a lot of the time, perhaps for security reasons. Controlling behaviour, almost like OCD, having to have things done in a specific way. Selfish or possessive behaviour, ie for control again. Uncertainty, ie. not sure if they're telling the truth or just living off their emotions. Fear of abandonment, ie, some insecurities. And liking me one minute and not the next.

Hope that was ok to mention. I don't know how much to point things out or how much to accept.

Should I tell them when I notice behaviour, are they unlikely to notice it themselves?

This can be a difficult spot to be in, and I really commend you for caring enough about your friend to learn about this disorder - that is awesome!


It can be difficult to put up with the mood swings and emotional outbursts that happen for a person who does not understand these themselves. Does this person currently see a therapist or a psychiatrist? Medication can be helpful for many of us who have issues in controlling our moods or outbursts, in order to help gain insight and ability to change during therapy.


AMP

Every situation presents a different set of problems, and that is why your question is hard to answer specifically.

1. Be their friend, not their doctor.
2. Encourage them to read/post in the forum.
3. If things are getting to tense, reassure them that you're not abandoning them, you'll be back, but you need a break.
4. Encourage them to take dbt. they can review dbt here www.dbtselfhelp.com

and

Most important take care of yourself and your own mental health needs first!!!!

Thanks for replies which were helpful.

I didn't want to say too much for confidentiality.
I'm sure I will understand more as I go and learn more.

I think it is the behaviour in the relationships I'm interested in. Ie. what makes them pull away, or why they have to give their all in a romantic relationship very quickly. Why they have to be at the centre of attention. Are they actually aware they're doing it.

I basically just find some of it distressing to watch.

My friend is on meds and they say they're mostly recovered. But whether this is a cover up or whether they were a lot worse I don't know. I think I'm definately noticing the disorder though, and it seems other people have to deal with the consequences or hurt of it.

Love x

Fightforlife wrote:I think it is the behavior in the relationships I'm interested in. Ie. what makes them pull away, or why they have to give their all in a romantic relationship very quickly. Why they have to be at the center of attention. Are they actually aware they're doing it.

In regards to giving our all quickly I think most of us would answer that we want to be loved/needed/liked (the opposite of being abandoned). The fear of abandonment (real or imagined) causes our emotions to become unregulated, and causes us to push people away. I'm not sure all of us feel the need to be the center of attention, but being the center of attention would show us that we're liked (also the opposite of being abandoned). I think most of us are aware of our actions, but the fear of abandonment is so strong in us it overrides what is logical.

My friend is on meds and they say they're mostly recovered. But whether this is a cover up or whether they were a lot worse I don't know. I think I'm definitely noticing the disorder though, and it seems other people have to deal with the consequences or hurt of it.

Love x

There is no med that will cure bpd. It's a personality disorder which involves years of learned dysfunctional coping strategies that are developed during childhood. Many of us take mood stabilizers or anti depressants which help treat symptoms related to depression. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been shown to be effective at teaching new and more effective ways in which to cope. You can learn more about dbt here www.dbtselfhelp.com

Thank you for the reply. Helpful to know what other sufferers go through, and will help me to not be so critical of the friend.

I think what they meant by recovered, was more stable. However you're right, I don't believe they are recovered, I am just wondering if even denial or lying can play a part in BPD. This may not be true in many cases perhaps. Sometimes I feel the disorder is controlling my friends behaviour, as if they're being swept away by a powerful stream and perhaps don't know how to control it themselves. That's why I wonder I they're even denying its affecting them when they behave in these ways.

What's the difference between a persons want to be loved, and a person with BPD want to be loved? I can sense they're obviously different. As many other people or disorders will also have an abandonment factor, ie abuse, rejection, isolation etc. so is it a feeling response, brain response, learned response?

Thanks

What's the difference between a persons want to be loved, and a person with BPD want to be loved?

I can't say this 100% sure, but to me it feels like people who have BPD need to feel loved to be able to function. That need takes over everything else, and we can't put it aside and focus on something else if we feel that that need isn't being met. I obviously don't know how this works for a person without BPD, but I feel like for them being loved is something they want, but can wait for. For us with BPD, we need to feel loved intensely all the time.

I think it's a feeling/brain response more than a learned response. I haven't read up on the scientific part of BPD much, but to me it feels like it's part of my DNA to have this, and then my environment making it stronger. I haven't been abused as a child, and I know I felt the way I do about needing love and validation long before I started feeling rejected and isolated - or just... I kind of always felt rejected and isolated, even when that wasn't the case at all. I remember feeling this way as a kid, when my sister, who grew up in the exact same family and went to the same school and largely the same hobbies, doesn't show any signs of BPD at all.

Edit: I just wanted to add that I think it's really great that you care so much about understanding what your friend is going through. I wish I had a friend like that! Mine, unfortunately, either don't care to understand it, or acknowledge it at all.

We all want to be loved, but I think the difference would be for a normal healthy person being loved accentuates who they are (they have a sense of identity/self worth), and for those of us with bpd we get a lot of our self worth from being loved/liked/needed. That's why when we lose it we cease to function until we become regulated, and a more healthy person would be sad but still able to function, because their self worth wasn't defined by that relationship.