Can't live with the pain anymore...(probably some triggers)

Before I say anything, I'm not suicidal (but I don't have much desire to continue living either) but the title is still accurate. Also, I cannot write a short post... so, this will be really long.

To the moderators: pls go easy with the axe b/c if you cut things, it really takes away from why I feel like I do.

I'm male, 43, divorced, with 3 kids. I haven't worked in years because of my illness. I used to make 100k a year as a successful software engineer. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety (new for me), and what I thought was bipolar II, which I'm now being told is BPD. I fought the BPD diagnosis for a while now, because two key parts of it don't match at all. I don't do any self-harm, or go on spending sprees, crazy sexual escapades (wouldn't I need a woman for that?), and so on. I don't loath myself in the least, either...if anything, it's quite the opposite, but I'm not narcissistic at all (my brother and mother are though). So, I don't really know where that leaves my diagnosis, but I don't believe everyone who suffers mentally has to fit neatly into the DSM-defined descriptions of each mental illness.

My biggest problems are loneliness (and boredom), anger/hatred/misery (lack of enjoying life), hopelessness/depression, an overall disgust with society today (news that blatantly lies to the masses - misinformation, political right-wing insanity), greed, separation of rich and poor, vulgarity/porn/sex being so available to children in SO many ways and, our culture idolizing and REWARDING the stupid/the nasty/terrible human beings/sluts/tramps/jackasses/dirtbags/etc. Oh yeah, another big one would be that I have a hard time dealing with people's BS. That's vague, so maybe I should say I have a hard time simply dealing with people overall, especially women, lately (sorry ladies).

I want someone in my life more than anything (a female). I was married for 16 years, and when I lost my job due to depression, my ex basically gave up on me. She didn't leave me, but that only made things worse. She stayed, enjoying the life and home I provided for her, and still provided, even when sick, but didn't take care of me at all, basically. I lived with this parasite for years like this.. a loveless, unfulfilled marriage, so I woke up one day, and ended it. It's been a nightmare ever since...

When we almost lost the house because the cost of living with my disability income became impossible, she STILL didn't work. Really! I ?luckily? got a forward of 1/2 of my inheritance early, so I could pay off the mortgage (and saved the house). Now, since I have to sell the house anyway b/c of the divorce proceedings (I can't afford to buy her out now), 1/2 of the money I sunk into the house, MY inheritance, is going to go to her, as well as all of my own money I sunk in, and my blood, sweat, and tears (if I could actually cry). Yeah, that's fair - I'm being sarcastic. It goes to the "wife" who gave up on her husband. Hell, I pay HER child support, and the kids are with me MORE of the time, and I'm the one who is disabled. Talk about life not being fair... this also explains a LOT of my anger and misery.

Since I'm drowning in loneliness, I tried the online dating off and on for 2-3 years now. All of that work and you know how many women I met in real life? Two. One of which I only went on 2 dates with. What's stunning about this is that I look at least 5 years younger than I am, I'm good looking, and I'm in better shape than over 90% of men my age. Hell, I look better than 1/2 of the 20-somethings now. Did that help me? No. I think it actually worked against me, which makes NO sense at all. What makes even less sense is that I get looks and smiles from women when I go out (shopping mostly), sometimes girls 1/2 my age. But, online?, I barely got any interest. The women I found interesting or attractive wouldn't even respond to my messages. Seriously, in 2 years, no woman I was *really* interested in that I instigated communication with responded in any way. Not even a "no thanks, I'm not interested". Hmm, maybe one did. One. Before you assume I had a terrible bio, pictures, or didn't have kind/friendly initial messages to them, I did. I even made sure by having some women I know review all of the above.

Since I barely ever leave the house, dating sites were all I really had, and that was a miserable failure. Hell, I didn't even mention my illness online and I still couldn't find anyone I wanted. I know full well that MOST women would run as far away from me as possible if they learned I was on disability for a mental illness. So, if I can't meet anyone WITHOUT them knowing this, what hope do I have when they learn the truth? Since I'm not ridiculously honest, hiding my illness was very difficult for me.

Anyway... my sleep is terrible. When I try to sleep, my mind races, and I worry about everything. Finances, my future, being alone for the rest of my miserable existence, fun stuff like that. I wake up several times a night and my brain has flashbacks of negative events in my life going back 30 years! No matter how hard I try to consciously think of something else, something positive, they dominate my mind. So, my brain makes me re-live every painful event in my life, over and over and over again. It gets so bad I just want to run into a wall head first at full speed, just to knock myself unconscious and turn off the flood of painful thoughts. This will go on for 2-3 hours every night. Yes, every *single* night. It's broken up 2-3 times too, so it feels like it's the entire night long. I can't "let go" of anything, because when I have these flashbacks, my brain refreshes these terrible memories, so I can never forget them over time, like everyone else does.

In general, I'm the opposite of most of the people on the planet. Most people feel good most of the time, and get sick here and there. I'm sick most of the time (mentally), and feel good rarely. I have NO idea how I make it through each day. I've considered suicide for YEARS now. I even researched how to do it pain-free. If not for the hell my kids would go through with my death, I'd already be long gone. My life is basically pointless without them. No love, no one to love me back, no family, no friends, no career, no joy, no happiness, no peace.. what's the point of living like this? This isn't living.. it's just like being in Hell, if I believed in that garbage, which I don't.

That's the other side of meeting a woman that I can't deal with. I'm an atheist. I *could* be with a believer, but only if it was a small part of their life. The last relationship ended b/c she was very religious, and she couldn't see herself with atheist long-term. Ouch. Talk about insulting. She's the one who believes in fairy-tales, yet I'm the one with the problem! I even have 10x the values and integrity and the vast majority of religious people, and she even admitted that, but still, she couldn't handle it because I don't believe in an invisible mega-being who lives everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Wow.

Finding a female atheist is damn near impossible too. So again, where does that leave me? Also the belief that "everything happens for a reason" makes me angry... literally... Children are molested and killed for a reason? Really? Why would a being that could create an entire universe allow such terrible things to happen? My father got cancer and died a few years ago. Did that "happen for a reason" too? That's #######4.

Oh well.. writing this killed about an hour or two of my day. Now I have to figure out how to pass the time for the remainder of the day. When you don't really enjoy much of anything, have no one to kiss, to hug, to love, talk to, etc, it's almost impossible to get through each day...

I can relate to some of your feelings. I am curious myself how to find interest.

That however, is a big symptom of depression. Has the depression been significant for a long time? And let's say before you were depressed, did you have the same trouble finding interests and things you liked?
I can barely. My only true interest is finding love and validation from a woman. Aside from that, anything that helps me completely dissociate becomes an interest as a way to cope.


I'm sorry to hear about your situation, with the ex-wife, losing much needed money towards her and having to pay child support when you are taking more care of the children than she may be. I can feel the massive frustration, hell I am too by just reading this. I hate when things can be so ridiculously unfair like that.

What I've been seeing a lot around here from MEN, with BPD is that a lot of BP males have what seems to be a hard time finding a woman for a relationship VS. a BP woman finding a relationship with a man. Hell, I have the same troubles.

The intrusive thoughts sound like anxiety, anxiety about things that have happened, things that are currently happening and things that are expected to happen.

Have you been seeking help from mental health professionals? The depression sounds very debilitating, and the anxiety as well.

To answer your questions CBear:

In my 20's and low to mid 30's, I was mostly just hypomanic (here and there).. I was irritable at times, especially driving, had some trouble dealing with certain types of people at work, etc, but there was very little depression and anxiety. Life was more difficult for me compared to most people, but I was functional... not just functional, I was pretty successful. I was like that for years and years.

About 8 years ago, I fell into a severely debilitating depression. I try to explain it this way... I remember when I would get up in the morning, jump in the shower, and go to work. I had energy, drive, motivation, and so on. What seems like all of the sudden, those things became a memory. Now, I have to psych myself up for days just to go grocery shopping.

I *was* in a lot of stress at work, loathed my boss, and certain coworker, I wanted to strangle .
Needless to say, it was a very frustrating work environment to be successful in, especially if you cared about the quality of your work, satisfying the customer, etc.

I was also suffering from a very unfulfilled marriage, career, and life, but at the time, I thought it was *only* chemical depression (meaning, not brought on my my environment), so that's all I sought treatment for. All of these thing combined destroyed me. I was barely functional, mostly due to depression symptoms. Years later I realized how unhappy I was with my marriage, career, etc, but, there was and still is a huge chemical component to it.

I was on meds for over 15 years, but mostly the last 8. I quit them completely about 2 years ago. I tried therapy, switched doctors countless times, ECT (worst mistake of my life, aside from my choice of a wife), and so on. Nothing really helped. The meds actually created more problems than they caused, mostly due to unbearable side-effects. I also had almost no support from the wife, and anyone else for that matter. All I really got was judgement, people talking behind my back, saying terrible ignorant things about me, etc.

Over the past 8 years, my interest level in life in general, in things I like, dropped like a rock. I've never really been able to turn it around. Occasionally, I'll want to do something, like go out, be alive again, but then the reality of not having anyone to do those things with comes crashing down, and squashes my motivation and interest.

I've tried very hard to meet people and had pretty much no luck doing so. I had some female penpal/email friends for a while, but they always fade b/c they eventually end up pissing me off, or vice-versa, then I do the borderline thing, and black them out completely.

Trying to find a romantic parter has been no end of frustration. So much so, that it really isn't worth trying. But, if you don't try, you'll NEVER meet anyone, and just suffer alone. To me, it's like choosing between "really sucks" and "really sucks". Yeah, they are intentionally the same.

I can barely. My only true interest is finding love and validation from a woman.

I couldn't agree more. This seems to be ALL I want and I think about it ALL the time. Then, because it's impossible, I get severely depressed and hopeless.

Unfortunately for me, not just any woman is going to do. I'll be honest, I want and NEED someone fairly amazing. I don't need a model in looks, but I DO need them to be pretty and in shape. I'm not attracted to anything else. Their personality has to be fairly amazing... anything less, and it's just not going to work for me. Only 2 women I've met in 20 years, I really fell for.. the others, I could care less about. They just didn't bring anything to the table. Despite my illness, I STILL bring more to the table than they do. It's not just women, I honestly find most people exceptionally boring. There's just no spark, no life... I kinda want my girl to be like a roller coaster ride.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, with the ex-wife, losing much needed money towards her and having to pay child support when you are taking more care of the children than she may be. I can feel the massive frustration, hell I am too by just reading this. I hate when things can be so ridiculously unfair like that.

Thank you. I appreciate it. She took steps a bit further by poisoning the pot, so to speak, and lying to everyone I used to know (mostly her family). So, she turned everyone against me, literally. Because these people swallowed her lies so easily, especially after knowing me for 20 years to be nothing like the person she was fabricating, I cast them out of my life too. It's a lose/lose situation either way. Honestly, I don't know how the ex lives with herself. She's such a terrible person, I can't even put it into words.

What I've been seeing a lot around here from MEN, with BPD is that a lot of BP males have what seems to be a hard time finding a woman for a relationship VS. a BP woman finding a relationship with a man. Hell, I have the same troubles.

Ok, you hit a key issue I have.. There seem to be two types of women... the single ones who basically blame men for why they can't find anyone (when it's at LEAST 75% their fault), and those that are in a relationship, and work very hard to keep it going. I so admire those women. This is why I always say "All the good ones are taken".

I find almost nothing in between.. meaning, I'd like to see single women actually put some effort into meeting a guy, and making a relationship work. I find that the *slightest* thing about you that isn't basically perfect, makes them RUN in the other direction. What I've found with single women over 30 is that they think every guy is inherently evil, won't give them a chance until the stars are aligned, it's Tuesday, it's raining, and they saw a Volkswagen bug on their way to work (and it had to be yellow). I'm kidding, but I'm not really exaggerating that much.

They don't live in reality. Sorry, they just don't. They live in this dream world that Mr. Incredible, or Superman, actually exists, and they will turn down EVERY guy waiting for this fairy tale man to materialize. Everyone that's had 1 or 2 serious relationships has baggage. EVERYONE. They seem to keep looking for that single guy over 30-40 that doesn't. Good luck with that.

See, I accept a woman's problems, differences, baggage, and so on. I know how to take the good with the bad. They don't.

I have yet to find a woman that would come even close to accepting my differences. Like I said, I'm usually out of the running before I even come close to revealing anything like that. I'm not even sure what it is.. I *think* it's because I have 3 kids and I *think* I lose women because I'm not religious or spiritual... but, since you never get feedback as to why they aren't interested, you have to just guess. I know what most women think of my looks. They either tell me right to my face, or show it with their stares and smiles... so, for the most part, something else has to be making them avoid me.

The intrusive thoughts sound like anxiety, anxiety about things that have happened, things that are currently happening and things that are expected to happen.

Yep. Exactly. Klonopin really helps with this, but no doctor wants to prescribe it for me. Hell, if I'm not a candidate for this medication, who the hell is? You should see the hoops I have to jump through just to get a small amount of these pills.

I'd like to go talk to a GOOD therapist, but I can't find one. They either don't take my insurance, or they aren't seeing new patients, or have a 2 month waiting list. This is beyond frustrating because I WANT help and I still can't get it. Many offices don't even return my messages. Can you believe that? Getting help should NOT be this difficult...hell, nor should meeting a good woman.

Take care.

Bedlam wrote:I've tried very hard to meet people and had pretty much no luck doing so. I had some female penpal/email friends for a while, but they always fade b/c they eventually end up pissing me off, or vice-versa, then I do the borderline thing, and black them out completely.

Trying to find a romantic parter has been no end of frustration. So much so, that it really isn't worth trying. But, if you don't try, you'll NEVER meet anyone, and just suffer alone. To me, it's like choosing between "really sucks" and "really sucks". Yeah, they are intentionally the same.

Don't you feel different/unique? Like others are much different from you and when you encounter certain people, it almost feels like they are one of your own?
I know I get this feeling, except coincidentally, I end up finding out later they have BPD or some other form of PD.

Unfortunately for me, not just any woman is going to do. I'll be honest, I want and NEED someone fairly amazing. I don't need a model in looks, but I DO need them to be pretty and in shape. I'm not attracted to anything else. Their personality has to be fairly amazing... anything less, and it's just not going to work for me. Only 2 women I've met in 20 years, I really fell for.. the others, I could care less about. They just didn't bring anything to the table. Despite my illness, I STILL bring more to the table than they do. It's not just women, I honestly find most people exceptionally boring. There's just no spark, no life... I kinda want my girl to be like a roller coaster ride.

Haha, right there with you. I am only 22 years old by the way, but in my own experience, I don't get close to many people because I simply find people very BORING. But hey, I feel very boring at the same time. I'll feel I have nothing to offer. I take best interest when someone else shows me that they like me and pursues me, whether this is friendship from a guy or a romantic relationship with a woman. It feeds me that something inside, that spark. I don't feel so boring, well...okay I still do but not as much. I feel like I'm special to someone and to at least give myself a bit of credit I know I'm pretty decent, but never good enough for myself.
I also feel I bring more to the table in a relationship, I get aggravated by my perceptions of partners being non-chalant.
Just like you I need someone amazing, it's not easy to get there, but when I idealize someone BOY do I f*cking ever.

Ok, you hit a key issue I have.. There seem to be two types of women... the single ones who basically blame men for why they can't find anyone (when it's at LEAST 75% their fault), and those that are in a relationship, and work very hard to keep it going. I so admire those women. This is why I always say "All the good ones are taken".

I find almost nothing in between.. meaning, I'd like to see single women actually put some effort into meeting a guy, and making a relationship work. I find that the *slightest* thing about you that isn't basically perfect, makes them RUN in the other direction. What I've found with single women over 30 is that they think every guy is inherently evil, won't give them a chance until the stars are aligned, it's Tuesday, it's raining, and they saw a Volkswagen bug on their way to work (and it had to be yellow). I'm kidding, but I'm not really exaggerating that much.

It's awful, yes. But there are some good ones out there, you just have to secure them and be good to them!

Bedlam wrote:political right-wing insanity

I had to stop reading here, I'm sorry.

I don't feel it should need to be pointed out that insulting the political views of anyone is a good idea and that bringing politics up (or even religion) is already opening a heated discussion in any forum. It's REALLY a bad idea in a BPD forum.

I'm going to [try to] restrain myself from further response to this; I just don't think a 'trigger' warning should be an excuse to insult anyone's beliefs.

CBear wrote:Don't you feel different/unique? Like others are much different from you and when you encounter certain people, it almost feels like they are one of your own?
I know I get this feeling, except coincidentally, I end up finding out later they have BPD or some other form of PD.

To answer your first question, oh god yes! I feel VERY different from most people I encounter. Male and female. Just to mention one thing, I have 0 interest in watching team sports. This alone makes me a freak to most people (who then alienate me)... People in my ex's family would never admit it, but they definitely thought I was strange because of this. They lived and breathed sports, so, I guess I'm not that surprised. Every family get-together was a review and commentary of every recent game, every bad call, and so on (assuming it wasn't on in the background). It was NAUSEATING. Politics, current events, science, hell, anything else would have been a DREAM to talk about.

To answer the second part, no. Unfortunately, I pretty much *never* meet anyone like me. I REALLY wish I did though. I went to some support groups here and there, and even there, I didn't feel like I could really relate to anyone. Sure, there were some similarities, but they had problems with addictions like drugs or alcohol, were religious, etc, so I couldn't relate to either of those things.

CBear wrote:Haha, right there with you. I am only 22 years old by the way, but in my own experience, I don't get close to many people because I simply find people very BORING. But hey, I feel very boring at the same time. I'll feel I have nothing to offer. I take best interest when someone else shows me that they like me and pursues me, whether this is friendship from a guy or a romantic relationship with a woman. It feeds me that something inside, that spark. I don't feel so boring, well...okay I still do but not as much. I feel like I'm special to someone and to at least give myself a bit of credit I know I'm pretty decent, but never good enough for myself.
I also feel I bring more to the table in a relationship, I get aggravated by my perceptions of partners being non-chalant.
Just like you I need someone amazing, it's not easy to get there, but when I idealize someone BOY do I f*cking ever.

Glad someone agrees. Women my age think I'm shallow.. well, not all women, just those that I'm not attracted to. See a pattern here? When a woman doesn't find me attractive, I have NO problem with it. But, when they are heavy or unattractive to me, I'm immediately labelled shallow, or I'm a bug jerk. Basically, they take it personally, and now I'm the bad guy. This infuriates me. Why should I apologize because I'm not attracted to them??? Seriously. If I was heavy, I would NOT expect women to find me attractive in the least. Put simply, A great personality is simply not enough for me and this fact does NOT make me a bad person in the least.

I don't sound like it here, but out with friends, at the bar, etc, I'm the life of the party. This isn't my opinion, this is what they tell me. I haven't been able to play that role in a while now, but it's still there, assuming I get anyone to party with. I have people laughing all night, so much so, people we don't know come sit near us and hang out with us.. people 1/2 our age, the singer in a band came over once, and attractive women too. I crack jokes, do impressions and so on, and it feels great. Sadly, I never get to "act" because I don't have anyone to go out with anymore. This is one of the only times I ever feel great...

It's awful, yes. But there are some good ones out there, you just have to secure them and be good to them!

I do agree, but I'm just not finding them, nor are they finding me. I DO treat my friends well, despite how I might sound, but I'm brutally honest at times, and people just can't deal with that... at least not most of the people I've met in the last 5-10 years. See, I own my mistakes and I KNOW what MY faults are. It seems ok for people to point these out to me, but if I return the favor, they simply can't handle it. This is one reason I can't deal with most people and avoid them, have trust issues, am jaded, have little hope in finding someone like me, etc.

-- Tue Oct 16, 2012 1:27 pm --

MadMage wrote:

Bedlam wrote:political right-wing insanity

I had to stop reading here, I'm sorry.

I don't feel it should need to be pointed out that insulting the political views of anyone is a good idea and that bringing politics up (or even religion) is already opening a heated discussion in any forum. It's REALLY a bad idea in a BPD forum.

I'm going to [try to] restrain myself from further response to this; I just don't think a 'trigger' warning should be an excuse to insult anyone's beliefs.

Ok, first off, I said "right-wing insanity". I didn't say "Republican". I'm talking about the extreme viewpoint of it, when it starts to get "crazy". I have a problem with the very far left too. Actually, most people have problems with either extreme.

As far as religion, I'm not bashing it. I'm saying *I* don't agree with it, *I* can't relate to it, and that *I* don't believe in it. This should *not* offend people that believe in it.

I mostly have a problem with people like my last GF, because she put it between us. I didn't. I was ok with her beliefs. She was the one that wasn't ok with mine, or lack there-of.

You're completely missing what I'm trying to get across. I'm trying to explain where I'm at and why I'm there. I am NOT soap-boxing. Trust me.. if I was, you would know it.

Bedlam wrote:To answer your first question, oh god yes! I feel VERY different from most people I encounter. Male and female. Just to mention one thing, I have 0 interest in watching team sports. This alone makes me a freak to most people (who then alienate me)... People in my ex's family would never admit it, but they definitely thought I was strange because of this. They lived and breathed sports, so, I guess I'm not that surprised. Every family get-together was a review and commentary of every recent game, every bad call, and so on (assuming it wasn't on in the background). It was NAUSEATING. Politics, current events, science, hell, anything else would have been a DREAM to talk about.

To answer the second part, no. Unfortunately, I pretty much *never* meet anyone like me. I REALLY wish I did though. I went to some support groups here and there, and even there, I didn't feel like I could really relate to anyone. Sure, there were some similarities, but they had problems with addictions like drugs or alcohol, were religious, etc, so I couldn't relate to either of those things.

Heh. Same here on the sports.
Just recently though I've been getting into football. The reason being that I appreciate it as something to do with people to socialize. To feel in the loop. Otherwise I don't care much for it and probably wouldn't watch.
Well, you and I are having quite a few similarities right now.

Glad someone agrees. Women my age think I'm shallow.. well, not all women, just those that I'm not attracted to. See a pattern here? When a woman doesn't find me attractive, I have NO problem with it. But, when they are heavy or unattractive to me, I'm immediately labelled shallow, or I'm a bug jerk. Basically, they take it personally, and now I'm the bad guy. This infuriates me. Why should I apologize because I'm not attracted to them??? Seriously. If I was heavy, I would NOT expect women to find me attractive in the least. Put simply, A great personality is simply not enough for me and this fact does NOT make me a bad person in the least.

I don't sound like it here, but out with friends, at the bar, etc, I'm the life of the party. This isn't my opinion, this is what they tell me. I haven't been able to play that role in a while now, but it's still there, assuming I get anyone to party with. I have people laughing all night, so much so, people we don't know come sit near us and hang out with us.. people 1/2 our age, the singer in a band came over once, and attractive women too. I crack jokes, do impressions and so on, and it feels great. Sadly, I never get to "act" because I don't have anyone to go out with anymore. This is one of the only times I ever feel great...

Well...I don't know whether I'd go with shallow, but perhaps insensitive towards them.
Either way as long as you're nice about it, it's your right to know what you want and what you don't want.
If I've learned something though, time keeps ticking and having high standards and being picky can kind of resemble those women you are describing. (The ones looking for a fantasy) There reaches a point when you're lonely where you have to settle. Not for a 5< on the scale of ideal partner, but maybe a 7. That tends to grow as you get attached to the person by at least 1-2 points. I know that the girlfriends I deeply feel for were over 7 in my esteem, not perfect but ended up being perfect to me.

I do agree, but I'm just not finding them, nor are they finding me. I DO treat my friends well, despite how I might sound, but I'm brutally honest at times, and people just can't deal with that... at least not most of the people I've met in the last 5-10 years. See, I own my mistakes and I KNOW what MY faults are. It seems ok for people to point these out to me, but if I return the favor, they simply can't handle it. This is one reason I can't deal with most people and avoid them, have trust issues, am jaded, have little hope in finding someone like me, etc.

Yeah, I got the same deal. Sometimes being harsh, brutally honest. I've stopped though, and best way to describe it is that I really try and filter what I say now. Some things that are said can't be removed from the person you told it to. I also realize that it pushes people away. Not a good thing at all.
I try and be friendly, nice, and try to steer away from gossip and bashing as much as I can. At least then when anyone talks about me, I'd be known as a nice guy.
Nobody likes to be judged or criticised, so unless they invite the question, I don't say anything. And when they ask I try and word it out correctly to lessen the impact as best I can.

I think you can find it man, the walls just need to come down. Something I'm learning myself.

CBear wrote:Heh. Same here on the sports.
Just recently though I've been getting into football. The reason being that I appreciate it as something to do with people to socialize. To feel in the loop. Otherwise I don't care much for it and probably wouldn't watch.
Well, you and I are having quite a few similarities right now.

I totally hear ya on the sports, but I've tried, and I just haven't been able to get into it. I gaze at people in wonder ppl leap out of their chair at a goal, touchdown, etc. I simply don't "feel" it.

I will watch an MMA fight here and there and some stuff during the Olympics. It's very difficult for me to get into things I'm not into, which is across the board.. so the stuff we're talking about with women and such is no different to me.

Well...I don't know whether I'd go with shallow, but perhaps insensitive towards them.
Either way as long as you're nice about it, it's your right to know what you want and what you don't want.

I dunno.. I don't think I'm insensitive because I'm not attracted to them. It's more that I'm unhappy about not getting what I want, and, what I feel I deserve. To be fair to both parties, attraction should be mutual. Oh, I'm definitely not mean about it. I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings.

You know what's strange... when I writing that last sentence, my house just shook. I haven't felt a tremor from an earthquake in longer than I can remember.. I'm not sure I ever have. That was amazing. I don't even have anyone local to call and ask if they felt it!

If I've learned something though, time keeps ticking and having high standards and being picky can kind of resemble those women you are describing. (The ones looking for a fantasy) There reaches a point when you're lonely where you have to settle. Not for a 5< on the scale of ideal partner, but maybe a 7. That tends to grow as you get attached to the person by at least 1-2 points. I know that the girlfriends I deeply feel for were over 7 in my esteem, not perfect but ended up being perfect to me.

I totally hear that, and understand it. It's strange though.. I DID find a number of women I was interested in and I DID try to contact them.. they just didn't feel the same, and blew me off. It has worked the other way too though.. I just got 3 more messages from new women in the last 2 days on my dating site, but sadly, I'm not even remotely interested in any of them. Out of all the interest I got on there, I was only interested in one, and I ended up dating her.

Again, this is why I'm so unhappy. I was *very* comparable, at least as far as looks go, to all the women I tried to contact. Only one of them was out of my league. Women that are prettier than them rarely use dating sites anyway, as they don't have to... But, for whatever reason, they were not interested. The thing is, if you are pretty woman on a dating site, you are getting bombarded with messages from tons of men (this is what they ALL tell me), so out of all those guys, well...that's a LOT of competition I really don't need.

Here's why I have no interest in settling. I did that. Look where I am now. I was married to her for 16 years, and spent 20 with her exclusively. The way I look at it, I LOST 20 years of my life on the wrong woman, and I was severely miserable because of it. I'm not sure I'll ever get over wasting my youth on her. You only get to be young once. Now, that's gone, and I have a very hard time dealing with that.

I'm not going to settle again because I know it won't make me happy. In fact, I'll be miserable. This is what I was trying to say before. I know what makes me happy, and it requires more than it does for most other people. I wish to hell it wasn't like that for me, but it is. Again though, it's only 50% about looks for me, probably less. I need someone that I click with. I want to adore both her looks and her mind. Will that keep me alone, sure, probably... again, this is the problem.

Yeah, I got the same deal. Sometimes being harsh, brutally honest. I've stopped though, and best way to describe it is that I really try and filter what I say now. Some things that are said can't be removed from the person you told it to. I also realize that it pushes people away. Not a good thing at all.
I try and be friendly, nice, and try to steer away from gossip and bashing as much as I can. At least then when anyone talks about me, I'd be known as a nice guy.
Nobody likes to be judged or criticised, so unless they invite the question, I don't say anything. And when they ask I try and word it out correctly to lessen the impact as best I can.

I think you can find it man, the walls just need to come down. Something I'm learning myself.

I don't do as bad as I may sound.. Meaning, I'm not mean to anyone I talk to. I just tell them like it is, nicely, believe it or not. Unfortunately, people can't handle it like I can. I'd rather people talk to me like I talk to them (I mean the truth), but sadly, they don't. I think I've been hanging around other engineers for WAY too long.

I hate petty gossip, but I'll rip someone apart if they deserve it.. but, it is nothing I wouldn't say to their face, or haven't already said.

I've been doing better with that though.. a couple people said some things and made some judgements about me that were fairly unbelievable (recently), especially since "people who live in glass houses.." and all that... But, I resisted from telling them off, and instead, just never talked to them again. I gotta tell ya though, that didn't even come close to the same level of satisfaction.

Bedlam wrote:Ok, first off, I said "right-wing insanity". I didn't say "Republican". I'm talking about the extreme viewpoint of it, when it starts to get "crazy". I have a problem with the very far left too. Actually, most people have problems with either extreme.

Then say 'political extremism'. The way you worded it made it sound like you felt right-wing viewpoints were insane, especially since you decided to mention only one end of the spectrum.

My point was that you should be more aware of how your message can come across if you're going to be bringing up a heated topic like political views. Like I said, I might have responded in a more helpful way but for having to stop exactly on that line because it is inflammatory and poorly worded.

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