I almost can't take it anymore guys might trigger idk

I've had Borderline Personality for so long I don't know where to turn to anymore.
I've already sent my bf of 6yrs home to his state because I'm so tired of hurting him and screwing with his mind and my own. I've been sent to jail recently for the first time over not being able to control my anger. In my mind its Back and forth back and forth, EXTREME happy, EXTREME sad, EXTREME anger, happy sad anger happy sad anger happy sad anger. It's literally as fast as you read the words is how it feels inside. I don't think I've cried this much in a really long time. I feel like I've made a mistake. I wanted him to go so I could try and fix my brain. Try and love myself so I stop hurting others, but it feels so fking hopeless!!! I'm lonely and scared without him! I just can't stop thinking about how it will never go away! I've had suicidal thoughts before but GOD! Someone help me! You all are my last hope. I'm scared my boyfriend wasn't the source and I might lash out again! What's wrong with me? I'm sorry I'm sorry.

Wow, I'm really sorry
Are you in therapy or on any meds etc? I know a lot of people say that it's good to eliminate anything that might be negatively affecting you or whatever, but if you're not sure that your boyfriend was one of those things, then I can understand you being very upset about it. Did he feel it was the right thing to do, too? If he was your support system then it's going to be difficult for you. Do you have family nearby if you need them? If you feel really in danger you can always go to A&E/ER at your local hospital, and if you have a psychiatrist you can get in touch with them if you're in crisis. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I'm not really sure what I could say to make you feel better.

I'm sorry if I scared anyone. Like I said it's so fast to change I was almost all the way better after writing it out. I don't have a therapist and I'm only on prozac. They told me there really isnt any meds for BPD. It's back n forth. I am in a house of 7people. So family is all around me. But they have all come to be sick of me when I outburst. My bf thought it was best if he left. I just feel it creeping up on me sometimes. I dont wanna go back to jail. I did some reading around this site which has helped some. I'm doing my best to be concious of how I'm reacting to everything. It just feels like alot of effort sometimes. I am very happy I found this site. I don't feel so singled out anymore. I'm going to pay attention to triggers and see what's making me feel so enraged. I'm going to try my best. It's hard without insurance to see a psychiatrist though. Thank you guys. You are helping.

I know how you feel, I really do. I'd been having a few good months, but the past week or so I can feel myself falling again. I'm extremely irritable, everything makes me angry or sad, and then something silly makes me ridiculously happy but then I suddenly feel so angry and lost again. It got so bad that my best friend got angry at me for "being so melodramatic" on Friday, and now I feel like I can't tell her I'm not okay anymore. And I know I have to lie to her to keep her in my life, and tell her I'm fine when I'm not, and she was the only one I could actually say, "I feel like crap today" to.

All I can say is, hang in there. Don't hesitate to contact someone, even if it's on this site, when you're feeling desperate and hopeless again, and when you're just going out of your mind because you want it all to just stop and you don't know how to stop it. You don't know why everything that happens is happening to you and you don't know where these feelings come from. You're so deep into it that you don't always recognise your triggers, and when you do you don't always have the energy to fight back, because it's so much easier to go with the flow of your emotions and let that anger out.

We're here, though. People here know exactly what you're going through, and we can support you. We can't fix you, or heal you, or magically make you feel happy. But we do what we can