(Mostly) recovered BPD having relapse

Hello! Let me introduce myself. I'm a 39 year old divorced woman, no children. I returned to school last year to complete the degree program I began years ago, with the help of a nice severance package from my former employer. Many years ago I went through therapy for BPD, did the work, and eventually stopped because I felt recovered. I've been able to maintain happy, healthy relationships, have had normal, rational, non-dramatic breakups, and have even maintained healthy friendships with exes. I've been able to get a grip on self-destructive behaviors such as impulsive spending, alcohol abuse, and casual sex. My life has been very stable, even with all the changes and challenges...until now.

About a year and a half ago I met a man and fell madly in love. We had a very good relationship. Then his own life fell apart. He lost his job, had to give up his apartment and move back in with his parents, and then his car broke down and would have cost more than it was worth to repair, if he even had the money. He became very depressed and things got to the point that I was the only thing he had going on in his life. Finally, recently, he broke up with me, because he feels that being with me is enabling him to keep the status quo rather than seeking help or looking for a job.

At this point, about half of our relationship has consisted of him being in this state but we were still able to maintain healthy boundaries for us both. Despite his joblessness, I've never given him money, or attempted to support him financially beyond buying dinner. In return, he sometimes cooks for me, and if we go out on the town, he is the designated driver. But a couple of months ago he began neglecting our relationship. He stopped initiating any communications, and would sometimes wait a day to reply to texts, and then would barely speak when we were together. He only wants to lay around and watch Netflix. When I tried to address this, he clammed up even more.

I know that these are symptoms of his depression, and my suggestion was that we take a step back, take the pressure and obligation of being in a relationship off of him, let him deal with his issues and get back on his feet, and then see how we felt about each other. It seemed reasonable to me, but his reaction was to request to cut off all contact with me. He said was going to block my number and block me on Facebook until he could get his life in order, because he didn't expect me to wait for him and he couldn't stand to see or hear about me being with someone else. Only he didn't actually do it, and this whole episode triggered major distress patterns.

I texted him obsessively and messaged on Facebook and began saying manipulative things to elicit a response. I was out of control for about a week until I made him angry enough to talk to me. It actually ended up being a very good, if gut-wrenching, conversation. We parted once we were both calm, and met up to continue the conversation the next day, and actually had the best, most amazing day we've ever had together. He finally opened up to me, laid out how he had been feeling, and while we are not back together at this point, we've both left things open for the future, and agreed that I can give him time and space to work things out on his own, as long as he can still maintain contact so that I don't feel abandoned.

This is my question, though: I'm wondering at this point if it's healthy to continue trying to salvage this relationship. He needs space in order to get himself together, but he lives at a much slower pace than I do, and I'm not sure I can maintain my sanity while waiting months or longer. Putting time limits on it will only make him feel pressured, but the open ended nature of the agreement might end up making me nuts again.

Also, I've mentioned to him in passing that I was diagnosed with BPD, but we've never discussed it at length. I'm wondering if it's a good idea at this point to make that explicit, in the interest of full disclosure, and explain that my crazy behavior was a distress pattern, and if he witnesses it again he needs to point it out. But I'm also afraid that this will scare him off. He has some major issues of his own to deal with, and I don't want to put him in a position where he's also having to deal with mine.

What do you think?

Well, even though no one has replied, I do have an update. I decided he needed to know, explicitly, what he was dealing with, and why I've been behaving in such a psychotic manner for the past week and a half. I spent 3 hours carefully crafting the exact words, and made sure to explain, but not excuse my behavior. My hands were shaking and I nearly had a panic attack when I hit "send."

He responded immediately that he did recall me mentioning it, that he has known many people with BPD and that my level of crazy barely registered on the radar, and that it was no big deal to him.

He also said that all this craziness has prompted him to get his sh*t together so he can be with me in a healthy, happy relationship.


Guys!! There is hope!!!

My response to this is, cut off all contact for now. The reason why I say this, is if there is even the slightest bit of communication, it's going to have your thoughts consistently on him, if he still thinks about you, still cares about you, why it's taking him so long to respond to your texts and such. Trust me, Ive been through the same thing. Last December, I told my best friend at the time that I loved her. She's only 20, never been in a relationship, it totally freaked her out. So she told me she needed time and space, and that we shouldnt talk for a few months. Instantly that put me into panic mode, she doesnt like me anymore, she doesnt care about me anymore, she's trying to nicely say she doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore.......my thoughts were beyond out of control. So she tried to be nice about it. If i sent a text, it may have been a day or two before she responded, but she did respond. It wasnt good enough for me though. I wanted things to be exactly the way they used to be, where we would text back and forth all the time, call each other all the time. If it couldnt be this way, it wasnt good enough. I would lash out at her all the time. Finally it got to the point where she told me the more she tried to be there for me, the more she realized it would never be good enough for me, and that it was beginning to get too emotionally draining for her.

Where Im going with this, is you need time to heal yourself, and it sounds like this other person definitely needs time to get things back on track on his end. Take a break, cut off all contact for a while, and just give yourselves some time to heal. Trust me, it may feel like a total nightmare, the world is falling apart, i just wanna die type of feeling. Fact of the matter, 6 months from now, you'll still be around, he'll still be around, you guys can still be friends later on, and who knows, maybe more.

And yes, please let him know of your struggles. Not only does he deserve to know, but it will also help him realize where you are coming from, why you might say things or act a certain way you do because of your BPD. It will help build trust, understanding, and give both of you a healthy way to approach your different issues. Just be totally honest, upfront, and open with him, I promise it will work out.

The thing is, with me, when I get depressed, that's when I want my phone to be ringing like crazy, and for me to have to go on facebook to see people wanting to talk to me. For me, it feels like I am worth something, even if I cannot see it. Like somebody does care enough to want to talk to me and see how I'm doing.

I remember one time, I was just so mad because I was the one that would go and call my friends and see how they were doing, and I was like "I want somebody to do that. You all are assholes, I'm not going to call you. Or even text you. You all can suck my left nut". Almost a week, and nobody called me. Nobody texted me. I felt so depressed. I was like, "Nobody gives a flying ###$ about me. I should just kill myself. That way everybody won't have to deal with me". Decided that if I didn't get a phone call or a text by the end of the day, I would go kill myself (my god, I am trying not to laugh because now that my mind is clearer, I am just thinking that I'm being an idiot, but I really did feel like crap). About an hour later, I got a text message from one of my best friends (she is planning to become a male, so I tend to use either gender neutral words with them, or masculine words. Only use the words she, girl, ext. on him when I am having a serious talk. And I am one of the FEW people that has their permission to do that) texted me asking if they could call me. I said yes, and we were chatting for a while. Then when I hung up, my boyfriend called, we talked for a bit. After that, my sister called and we were talking. And my sister had our mom on the other line so it was fun.

The point is, for me, I can understand why when somebody is depressed they want to have somebody there for them, but at the same time, can't stand the sight of them.

I think you should talk to him about this, really. I don't see anything wrong with talking to him. But if you feel that him getting back into the relationship is not a good idea, then don't take him back. But if you still want to be with him, and know you shouldn't, let him know that you are only interested in him. Other guys don't hold your curiosity as much as he does. And you are willing to be there by his side and support him.

Besides, I think out of all of his friends, and loved ones, you may be the most qualified to give some advice. After all, you have been down the dark road of depression. You understand the feelings it brings because BPD gave that to all of us on a silver platter.

We had a really good talk Sunday, for hours. He laid everything on the table, how he feels about me, the things he needs to do to get himself back on his feet, etc. And as for me, I've been in a really good place for so long, 7 years of having only very mild symptoms, so my coping mechanisms might be a little rusty, but they're not gone. Now that I'm aware of the danger of a relapse, I can deal with it.

We talked again last night. He's like a different person, the person I first met a year and a half ago, and it's wonderful to see him smiling and emotive and excited about something.

Cutting off contact was the thing that set me off. I'm the one who can't take that. Honestly, what I really think at this point is that, because of his depression, he's felt so worthless that he didn't believe anyone could possibly really, truly, wholeheartedly love him. My psychotic episode, and the long conversation in which I told him very specifically precisely why I love him seems to have convinced him that he's not only worthy, but also that he doesn't want to lose me. So we'll see. I probably panicked for nothing.

Sorry, yesterday was a tad crazy, so I'm just catching up here.

I'm glad to see that things are getting good again between you two. I know how hard it was for you, and I'm glad you were able to push through it! Good on ya!