NON asking guidance regarding BPD(?) friend. Triggering?

Hi,

I'm having several issues bothering my mind lately, regarding my new friend, who is in her mid 20's. Firstly, I'm wondering if she might have a BPD, and secondly, what to do with her, since I'm getting a bit scared and paranoid, after recent discussions, where she shed some more light about her personality and past behaviors.

First a bit about me. I'm in my late 20's, and a NON, with some AvPD traits, however according to several psychologists and a psychiatrist, there is nothing wrong with me psychologically, so I don't have a diagnosis. However I suffer from low self-esteem, social anxiety, from "white knight" syndrome, and generally, I'm just a people pleaser.

I met her during my six week stay in an outpatient care, where she expressed that she is romantically interested in me. Stupid that I am, I didn't let her instantly know that I don't feel same way with her. Reasons for not telling her were that I was scared that I would lose her as a friend, and that I would hurt her feelings, so I just waited that she would just grow tired of me. However after that didn't work, I finally told her, after a month, and she felt betrayed that I didn't tell her sooner, but she didn't appear overly angry with me, just sad. I apologized her and told that I understand if she don't want to stay in contact with me anymore, even though I'd like that, and she replied that unfortunately she is not that strong that she could just stay friends. And the next day she abused alcohol, used drugs, had some casual sex with some random guy in a bar, and took 15 anxiety pills according to her, which of course also made me feel really guilty.

She changed her mind the day after that, saying that we could remain friends, because apparently, she is able to kill that emotion within her. This was about a month ago. After that, everything has been mostly going great, and we've been hanging out almost daily, and instant messaging. Also, we've had sex a few times now. But mostly we have just talked. I have told her things, I have never told anyone else, and she has also shared a lot of intimate information, and generally, it's just been relaxing to be in each others company, while also offering support for each other, when either one is feeling low that day. She is aware that I still don't have romantic feelings for her, and apparently she is ok with that. However recently I'm been feeling a bit more paranoid and uncomfortable, because of some of the things she has revealed.

Things she has told me about herself:

- She was sexually abused by her adult cousin, including sex, when she was 7-13 years old. She is ashamed by it and she doesn't hate her abuser, only herself, her reasoning being, that she enjoyed it.
- When she was adult, she was raped by her boyfriend.
- She has had hundreds of different sexual partners.
- In her romantic relationships, she has been unfaithful.
- She abuses alcohol, pills and uses drugs once in a while, to kill the pain.
- She has been hospitalized four times.
- She has tried to commit suicide, and also she has been generally self destructive, having dozens of cutting marks.
- Most of her friends are male, and she has slept with almost all of them.
- She is bi-sexual, and also has had a relationship with a transsexual, plus some animals attract her sexually.
- She have suffered from psychosis and according to her she has three different personalities in her head.
- She feels empty, hates herself, say's she is pathetic, has non-existent self-esteem, feels a lot of shame, anxiety, and some irrational fears, and thoughts that people are stalking her, and just generally feeling bad all the time.
- She says she tends to think in black and white terms.
- She sees me as a mirror.
- If someone have hurt her in the past, she has tried her best to have her revenge.
- Criminal record (fraud), aggressive (though I have yet to see this part), including fistfights with the police.
- Couple weeks ago she said she suffered again from obsessive thoughts where she kills herself and her six year old son, but knows that she isn't actually going to do anything.
- However she has told, that some days she doesn't love her son, and she would panic a bit about that.
- Told that she has sadistic tendencies, that she has crushed people in the past, and that made her feel great, almost like a god. I asked if she feels any regret for the pain she has caused, but apparently none, because why would she regret, what was done intentionally.
-Also she has called herself "as the devil". And generally thinks she is just a horrible person. And also that she has been called cold and cruel, and that she likes to play with people, and she tend's to agree.
- Loves to please people, so that they would like and appreciate her, gets depressed, if someone doesn't like her.
- Loves to control people, however she likes to be sexually submissive, and humiliated.
- Doesn't love her parents.
- Would like to disappear.
- She has quit school and is unemployed.
- Some days, when she looks herself in the mirror, she doesn't see herself, but instead a doll, or some other person.
- She told me several times, that she could just disappear from my life if I wanted, and why do I stay with her, but also that she would not want to lose me.

She only has a diagnosis for depression, but she has been years in therapy, and seems generally introspective. And that she really wants to get better.

I'm really lost that what should I be feeling, or should I just run away, or try my best to help her and trust her. I have also lately been wondering if I'm being played yet again, since a bit over a year ago, I was romantically involved with an HPD girl, and she managed to crush me completely. However I have been telling myself that this time I would run as soon as if she would start to abuse me. Because I really have been trusting her, and she hasn't done anything yet to question that, because this time this girl has been open with herself, and doesn't paint herself something she is not to me and hide behind her problems, blaming everything as my fault. But I don't know.

It's been harder this last couple of weeks because of these new revelations about her past and her personality. She also was feeling self-destructive again and tried to get herself hospitalized, but didn't get in. So she told me that she would kill herself, if she had to be alone that day, so I stayed the night with her, trying to make herself feel better, but also somewhere back in my mind there was a thought that what if this was just some grand manipulation.

Some other things that have been feeding the paranoia in me:

Couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, she send me a picture saying "Sorry". After I inquired the reason for apologizing, she answered that maybe she is already apologizing for the future. I asked to explain herself, but she wouldn't tell me. So my thoughts were that she was going to either hurt me in the future, or she would try to hurt herself in the future.

I also have an other friend, who is attracted to me / in love with me. She has been feeling really insecure and jealous regarding my new friend. However my new friend have told several times, that she feels guilty to hurt her feelings. However one time my probable BPD friend said, that she would like to destroy her. After I later inquired that what she meant by that, she explained that she would like to destroy her innocence, but I'm not sure if I buy that.

Now I'm just hating it, that I'm doubting her silently, even though everything has been good so far between us, and I have been enjoying spending time with her, and I have great sympathy for her.

But I'm just now fearing that she is idealizing me, and later she will just devalue and destroy me, and use my weaknesses against me, and the other sensitive personal information I have told her, as a weapon against me. I have actually asked this upfront, since we do have a kinda weird relationship, where everything seems to be out in the open. However she said, that she doesn't want to hurt me, and isn't playing with me, but she knows that the information she has would probably hurt me more that the one I have on her. But that she completely trusts me.

I'm also not sure if I should be more alarmed about her obsessive thoughts about killing herself and her son, but she has asked to not to tell it to anyone, because she is already currently under review from social services, if she is fit to be a mother, and that she knows, that she isn't going to actually do that.

However the situation is getting quite overwhelming for me. On the one hand, I like to be with her, and support her, because she does want to change for the better. I have also trusted her and she hasn't really done anything to me to question that trust, but it is getting a bit scary lately. Confused. Because I really would like to continue, but I'm not sure if I could handle being played and betrayed yet an another time after I was crushed by that HPD woman.

Suggestions? Insights? Does she sound BPD, or something else? Am I fool to trust her, and am I yet another weakling she might just be playing, while feeling that "I'm special, because she is trusting me"? Or despite her problems, could she really be sincere? Even though I know you can't generalize all BPD in the same mould, and everyone is different.

Thanks.

This sounds like BPD and something else, to be honest. I don't think, to be honest, she has MPD. She may some type of Dissociative disorder, or she may have psychosis. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't really say anything.

I also get the impression that she was unintentionally manipulating you about her thinking about killing herself if she was alone for the night.

And I know that you will not like this, but REPORT to CPS about her thoughts about wanting to kill her child. Even if she feels that she will not do it, this has to be reported.

Is she going to therapy? If she isn't then she needs to go. She needs to speak to one and sort these things. Especially because she has a child and she needs to be that child's mother. I know that you feel that if you report this, after she asked you not to, it would be VERY irresponsible if you didn't, and something happens to the child because of her actions. I don't think ANYBODY wants to have that over their head.

I believe that you should distance yourself from her a bit. Let her know that you do want to be her friend but that she really needs to seek professional help because what she is going through is very overwhelming, and you don't know how you can help her out without making the situation worse.

ok...this is the only thing i can see right now and i can't get past it until i know the answer.

you slept with her

was this before, during or after the fact you kept your true feelings for her?

Thanks for replying.

Anasui wrote:And I know that you will not like this, but REPORT to CPS about her thoughts about wanting to kill her child. Even if she feels that she will not do it, this has to be reported.

Is she going to therapy? If she isn't then she needs to go. She needs to speak to one and sort these things. Especially because she has a child and she needs to be that child's mother. I know that you feel that if you report this, after she asked you not to, it would be VERY irresponsible if you didn't, and something happens to the child because of her actions. I don't think ANYBODY wants to have that over their head.

You are correct, I'm not liking to hear that, but I kinda know, that it would be the responsible thing to do. However, it would be a real shame, if there really is no danger, because I do personally think, that she is a good mother from the little I have seen, and if I report that, and her son get's taken away, I would feel guilty. And she says, that her son is the only thing keeping her alive, so I would feel responsible then, if she would commit suicide. And obviously, if I report that, she would probably want a revenge on me, and I would lose a friend. I see I'm now trying to rationalize to myself to not to report.

She is in therapy, and she just started a group therapy for people who have been sexually abused when they were children.

wineaux wrote:ok...this is the only thing i can see right now and i can't get past it until i know the answer.

you slept with her

was this before, during or after the fact you kept your true feelings for her?

I guess I worded it badly. We have had sex only after I told her that I don't feel the same way for her, otherwise I would just have been using her.

Regardless of the situation, with BPD, sometimes, these kinds of thoughts do run by. I don't know how many times, when I was living with my mother, that I wanted to just punch her in the face. And you know what happened? One day, I snapped and I actually did. Her son, as much as she loves him to death, is too young to realize that his mom can go from zero to 1oo on the anger scale in less than a second because he did something that triggered her. he is too young to be aware of what triggers are in the first place for other people. He is a small child.

Even though she may say that she does love him and would never do anything to harm him, there is only so much that a person can take before they snap. If something happens to the child, what then? For me, personally, I would hold you equally responsible for any harm that would come to the child because YOU knew that she was feeling like that and YOU did nothing to stop it.

Better safe than sorry.

I am happy to hear that she is in therapy. See if she can talk to her therapist about her feelings about wanting to hurt her child. I do know that those feelings for a mother can happen. And it can be a very terrifying experience. But the thing is, because of her BPD, or possibility, and then on top of that suffering from abuse as a child, she is more at risk in harming her child. I am just happy that she is going to therapy about her abuse for the most part. It will help her be able to come to terms with her abuse and how it had morphed her thoughts and emotions into something very unpleasant. For that, I am thankful.

Although, still, I am VERY concerned for her child. I know that you are worried that they might take away her child and she will end up becoming a helpless mess. I know that normally, in these kinds of situations, if they feel that the child's well being is threatened, they will give custody to the other parent (his father, if he is still part of the child's life), or a relative such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle until the case has been resolved. Also, depending on the situation, they will grant visitation rights, solo, or monitored. The only time they would actually give the child to a foster family temporarily is if nobody from the child's family wishes to take legal custody temporarily.

And honestly, you cannot make excuses for her and her feelings about harming her child. You cannot rationalize the situation to make yourself not report it. You know VERY well that reporting something like this is the right thing to do. It's not the easiest thing to do. But it's the right thing. For her, and for the child.

I agree about contacting CPS about thoughts of killing her son. This is a very bad sign, and as the mother of a 7 yr old, honestly a feeling I've never experienced with BPD. Very dangerous thought to have.