a crushed heart

I am going to make this as short as i can. i had a friend abandon me 5 weeks ago, at the same time my freinds husband left her and said he wanted a devorce. she tryed to kill her self and was hospitalised for 11 days and he never showed up or called, he has been gone this whole time, she is a nalval officer with PTSD and dealing with a childhood trama, i have been helping her through all of this and she is finally better. over the weeks we feel i love with eacher other. and i have never been in love with someone befor. today she said she can not have these feeling for me any more and we can not continue being what we were, she wanted to try to focus on her husband (who i feel doesnt deserve her) and now i am out in the cold. i feel llike i was used and tossd out when i was not needed anymore and that i did everything to keep her here, alive and better, ad now her asshole husband gets to come back after the hard part is over. I have never been so crushed in my life. i do not know how to cope. i had a friend who liked her too and hes pissed at me for falling in love with her. so in 5 weeks i lost a friend who was like a sister to me, (the first one) and then the woman i loved, and my best friend.

I dont know what to do i am hurtting more then ever, i can not focus on my school work, which i am failing every class because of all this $#%^, i fall be hind in college.

i cant take the stress and need help.

i have a few questions...is she in therapy? i'm not sure where her relationship is, but it doesn't sound like it's going to just magically work without it, much less if one of the people in the equation is mentally unstable. there's definitely no on/off switch for problems such as these.

it's very easy to fall in love during emotionally charged times...believe me, i've been there, done that. i can understand your sadness and frustration in that she's abandoned you when you were there for her in her time of need. that is very invalidating, especially for pwBPD.

it might trigger her to be around you because of the intensity of her feelings and although i can appreciate that, it's not smart to walk away from those who unconditionally are there for you. have you had any attempts to contact? either from you or her? or has she just completely gone NC?

how is school for you this week?

wineaux

well i went to my first class and left i could not handle it. i have a therapy appoinment tomarow hope it helps. she called me today to tell me she never loved me just that she loved who i reminded her of, which was her husband when they were first married, and she said again she can talk to me cuase it causes her disstress.

i have bpd traits, thus why i am in this forum but i have never loved someone befre let alone like i did her and yesterday i was hurt but now i'm just dead/numb inside i dont know how to cope with "i never loved you, just that you reminded me of my husband when i loved him".

i'm STUNNED she said that to you...what an invalidating thing to say to someone. you didn't deserve that. did you have a response to her? i think it might be best for you right now to step away and establish some boundaries with her. maybe even go NC for awhile. there are things you should say and shouldn't say...and she went past the point of shouldn't.

i'm sooo glad you have an appt tomorrow. i hope your T is able to help you out and perhaps offer up some good coping skills. all of the feelings you are having right now are completely valid and you need to work through them.

in regards to class...have you spoken to any of your professors? i've found they can be quite understanding when it comes to personal matters of the heart as everyone has experienced some amount of heartbreak. perhaps you can get some extra credit or maybe even an incomplete? i had a few of those when i was in school and it SOOO helped as i made up the class at another time rather than having to withdraw or drop the course altogether.

let us know how things go with your T!

wineaux

Wow. Just wow. You are absolutely right to be upset and angry. And I can understand that the impulse is to do whatever it takes to fix things, and keep this person in your life, because you love her. I know, I've been there.

But she crossed a line, in a spectacularly awful way. It may take a while, but once you find a lucid, objective moment, really think about how healthy it is for you to have her in your life at all. Don't worry about her...her issues are her own, no matter how much you might want to take them on. Think only about yourself for one moment.

We often fall into a pattern of giving far too much, all unasked-for, and then resenting that we don't get as much in return. The first step to breaking this pattern is to recognize it. Ask yourself what this person has done to deserve you in her life.

therapy, went bad, dont feel like it helped. she said cut all ties, but thats hard when i still love her and i have BPD which makes me want to fight for her.

And i did not realy respond to her when she told me that, i gess i was just stunned.

I talked to some of my professors they will try to help but, and i understand this, there is only so much they can do.

Ah man, I'm really sorry to hear that brother.

In my experience I've seen that there are a lot of women out there that will kind of find someone or "use" someone in a breakup or divorce situation.
Meanwhile, I see a lot of men taking the brunt of the breakup.
Of course it's not ALL women, but I've seen so much of this in my experience. It's never a good feeling to feel used. But I've had a couple of people tell me "unfair is what you allow"...
I feel that it is unfair how you were there for her, and that albeit while she's in a period of "confusion", she ends up just making a scramble back into that position particularly if she did infact lead you on.

So at this point, you've seen it happen and it was unfair. If she tries to come back though, will you allow it?

CBear wrote:Ah man, I'm really sorry to hear that brother.

In my experience I've seen that there are a lot of women out there that will kind of find someone or "use" someone in a breakup or divorce situation.
Meanwhile, I see a lot of men taking the brunt of the breakup.
Of course it's not ALL women, but I've seen so much of this in my experience. It's never a good feeling to feel used. But I've had a couple of people tell me "unfair is what you allow"...
I feel that it is unfair how you were there for her, and that albeit while she's in a period of "confusion", she ends up just making a scramble back into that position particularly if she did infact lead you on.

So at this point, you've seen it happen and it was unfair. If she tries to come back though, will you allow it?

i honestly do not know at this point. if they separate again and she needs support, i dont mean to be a dick but too bad. fool me once shame on you fool me twice and well im a fool lol. but if she tells me they did devorve and she has the papers sighned and everything, that i am not sure of, id want to cause i love her, but she did hurt me and i will not forget that. but at this time all i know is i have no intentions of giving her any more support. She made her choice, if she cant live with it so be it.