It all makes sense..

Looking at the past decade of my life it all makes sense now that I have found a name for it.
The mood swings, the terrifying fear of losing my boyfriend, the urge to cut, the bad thoughts, the anger, depression, need for attention and reassurance. Everything, it just makes a lot of sense now. I get it now that i actually understand what it is.

My boyfriend of over 5 years broke up with me a few days ago because of it. Because of me picking fights for no reason, the countless nights that ive spent crying and just wishing myself dead, him walking in on me cutting the words worthless and useless into my thighs, me throwing a full length wall mirror at him, cursing him and putting him down, the fact that I can't figure out what I'm doing with myself. Its like my mind is everywhere at once and I can't stay still. The clinging to him and using him as a crutch for everything, i don't blame him at all.

I just want to feel...normal.

Join the club. For me, in the beginning, when I found the name for it, I just didn't want to accept it. I felt like I was evil for it, that I was a bad person, that I was crazy. It was only during the summer when I had finally hit rock bottom that I was able to realize that BPD really did make sense, and when I wanted to talk to my psychologist to let her know that I was ready to finally take on BPD, she stated that because of the new manual, I no longer qualified for BPD and that I was "cured", which only just angered me, and threw me even further down rock bottom into a dark spiraling depression and actually attempting suicide. My current boyfriend actually was there holding my hand throughout the entire time. So many times I just wanted to let go of his hand because I felt like I was undeserving of this kind of help.

Now, I am in a better place. I can see that if he didn't help me during the summer, I would have killed myself. It's actually kinda scary to think that only a month or so ago, I was on the verge of ending my life.

We're here to give you support. It's really tough.

And curious, are you currently seeing a therapist? they can be very helpful.

Hi babii...


Welcome to the forum! Yes, it does sound like a lot of what you are describing is consistent with BPD. I do have the same question as Ana - are you currently in therapy of any sort? If it is at all possible, this may be one of the first things that you try to get scheduled for, so that you can start to feel better/normal/average, whatever you might like to call it :0). Some of us are on meds to help facilitate the process, but they're certainly not required...


My best to you, and a very warm welcome!


AMP

No I'm not, actually he's the only person who knows how bad things really are. I've kept it all from my family except for maybe a few things that have gotten out but they don't know how it really is. I do live with my parents and I'm terrified that if they find out they will want to have me admitted to a mental heath facility and I'm actually against the use of prescription medication. I don't even take Tylenol or anything I prefer natural remedies but I'm getting to the point that I'm starting to become scared of myself. And with losing him I literally have nobody else I can turn to...