Suffering from PD, thoughts?

I posted this in another thread about chronic feelings of emptiness

I've been suffering most of my life, this started at a young age. As I entered my adulthood I started to really realize how all the stuff I go through isn't normal...cuz I mean shiit when I was younger I didn't know any better.

I'd been trying to find balance in whatever way I could and I haven't been able to and this is terribly limiting and there are so many barriers that I can't overcome.

Please give me your thoughts on this, there's even more to it then this so feel free to ask me questions.
I'm sick and everything is always so dark.

CBear wrote:I don't know where it comes from.

It feels like I'm alone even with others in the room frequently.

It feels like I'm from a different planet.

I don't feel like I have anything meaningful unless I have a girl that adores me that I can adore back and idealize.

I don't truly know who I am. I look in the mirror and see myself, I recognize myself, but I don't feel like I'm here. It's like a disconnect.

I'm angry, but not often knowing why. My best guess would be that I'm always displeased of my life as a whole.

I have brain fog, I have moments of great clarity just to end up going back and regressing in everything I do.

I don't feel apt socially, at times I can be but I can't conversate normally with people as I have no idea what to say or what a normal person says.
There has to be a purpose to my talking. A question. I can then share my logical thinking.

I don't emote, I stay serious in public because I want to blend in. The last thing I want to feel is judged and criticized and made fun of. I'd be humiliated.

I'm low energy now, I used to be high energy but even then it wasn't good enough.

I'm constantly trapped between how I am and how I want to be. Or how I act and what my intentions are.

I don't understand people, I don't understand their body language and I'm very sensitive to the way I perceive it which tends to be negatively, particularly with people I get very close to.

I can't hold a job. I break...Every day feels like an eternity, I feel off and even more awkward. I have lots of times that I just want to be in a dark room where nobody can see me.

I have no notable interests. Everything to me is dull, like a numbness which grew substantially over the last 4 years. The only thing I care about is having love and being adored by a beautiful woman.

I feel empty. And I haven't a way to rid it aside from dissociation or trying hard to find someone I can idealize and have a relationship with.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but I've just started going to therapy and getting in to a psychiatrist...

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion of a personality disorder, what you described sounds a lot like clinical depression, although it could be possible to have comorbid disorders. It sounds like you have a side of depersonalization, too.

Good to hear you just started therapy, I feel once you can warm up to your therapist (at least it took me a little to warm up to mine), it feels much better to talk to someone in person about your issues.

Definitely look into medication if you feel like therapy alone is not doing it or life is still seeming too unbearable.

As I was saying... It's much more then just that.

I've had identity issues since I was younger. Still haven't figured it out but I am like a chamillion, I take on others personalities that I'm around. For that reason, when I'm lucky enough to make friends, I don't have one friend meet with another because it would be awkward.

I can't stand being alone and try to avoid it frantically. I've found myself with a girl a few years ago that I used just for that reason when I moved somewhere new. I'd always split her and find myself to have that person telling me I constantly contradict my feelings about her. Sometimes I thought she was useless, that she wasn't attractive, that no matter how much she said she loved me I wouldn't believe her, her body language would throw me off and shed say I hallucinate $#%^ and that she didn't know what I was talking about. And other times I felt she was stunning, so smart and nice and loving, I had a great sense of comfort with her like she was perfect for me... And then it'd go back. I have been doing this in all my relationships...

People that I get close to I do the same...except I tend to keep it covert with friends because I don't want to lose them. Instead the anger brews within. When someone doesn't pick up my call right away I feel like they dont give a ######6 $#%^ and that they aren't good friends and don't care about me. Sometimes I'm not able to come back from that and sh-t, just an example.

I have a void inside, a constant feeling of emptiness and loneliness...

The only way I've coped since I was younger was by dissociating in video games. By binge eating and by doing a lot of drugs.

I used to hurt myself but starving myself.
I used to hurt myself by smashing my face against hard surfaces.

I felt hideous in my teenage years, though it's grown that I don't even really feel that I even see myself when I look in the mirror.

I can't stand working. It's like an eternity, and I don't want to be around people who see how I feel or who feel my anger till I pop. I feel humiliated and judged though I'm sure it's not even happening but I feel it.

I avoid a lot of people because the rejection sends me into a crazy downward spiral of intense emotions. I don't know how to release them, how to get rid of them. That's when I used to starve myself and beat my face silly on hard surfaces.

I can be pretty sick some times by this urge to hurt others. Maybe it's a coping mechanism for the previous sentence I mentioned. But it gets me going. Particularly with girlfriends. I haven't done that with my last one but I had the urge.
I would emotionally try to hurt them, by being harsh. It would sexually turn me on. By the time I'd go way too far I would end up feeling very guilty and then try to rescue them and have sex because I was so turned on.

I haven't been able to find balance, to fix myself, I thought this $#%^ was normal but it's far from it and I can't keep going like this. For the past 2 years I've thought about killing myself frequently, particularly when triggered hard enough. The only thing that's ever stopped me is that I know my family would be destroyed if I did. My moms already sick with MS and I think she would die shortly after just to amplify the damage for my father and sister.