Feeling like a 'hole'... please somebody read me :(

I feel like as a woman, all i am is a garbage bin for semen

The same situation repeats itself countlessly in my life. For some reason I have had many people 'fall in love with me' in my life... Not really love, more like super horny extreme obsessive infatuation - and this lasts forever. I never seem to leave their minds . .. I put this down to the fact that I have the unusual combination of being well above average in looks and an extremely painful degree of insecurity and I am very naive and childlike ... for some reason men are 'into' that

Anyway, these people invariably have partners . . . who are always uglier, less interesting etc than me, who they manage to stay with... Whereas I remain the distant object of fantasy. I hate myself, I hate my body. I feel like I'm completely worthless as a human being and nothing but a bunch of holes to the world. I am nothing.

I am extremely jealous of these 'safe' women. In one of my most recent scenarios, I was involved with another guy who i can say with near certainty also had bpd... He told me he had a hard on from the minute he saw me, asked if i would marry him after 2 days - it's been a nearly year now and he confided he still masturbates to the thought of me several times a day. He has had a girlfriend this whole time - and not only is she much less attractive than me... she is also bland, boring person, and not particularly nice - a bit racist... makes jokes about homeless people. But I am so jealous of her! Because everything in her life is easy and simple. People 'talk' to girls like that, they go on holidays, move in together . . . Whereas they reserve their semen/hate-sex/anal rape for girls like me.

When I think about my life, I think of a puppy that desperately and enthusiastically follows people around ... I'd do the dumbest things JUST for a guy... cut my hair, dye my hair, lose weight, move to a foreign country... but people only want to kick the puppy, and laugh at how pathetic it is (and also f***k the puppy)



How do I handle these thoughts?

I'm really useless at answering threads like this, but it said "please read me" so I wanted to let you know I read it.

I'm really sorry you feel this way and I wish I could help. Are you attending any therapy right now that could help you? There are skills out there that are really helpfull if you are ready If not, just know that I've read this and right now, I am thinking about you.

Thanks for that,

i was in complete hysterical tears writing that .. . then i went for a jog, then came back and had a cup of tea and started dancing around the house and now I'm looking at what i wrote thinking 'wtf was i thinking! life's not that bad!'

ahahahhahahahaahhaha....... that's the best thing about having bpd... something awful happens, then i feel like utter $#%^, like the lowest of low - then an hour later it's wiped completely from my mind

Well there you go, one positive thing to add to the list

Haha! It sure can be a positive I'm glad you got out and exerted how you were feeling

hellokitty wrote:Thanks for that,

i was in complete hysterical tears writing that .. . then i went for a jog, then came back and had a cup of tea and started dancing around the house and now I'm looking at what i wrote thinking 'wtf was i thinking! life's not that bad!'

ahahahhahahahaahhaha....... that's the best thing about having bpd... something awful happens, then i feel like utter $#%^, like the lowest of low - then an hour later it's wiped completely from my mind

I'm glad that you're feeling better! I know what you mean about mood of the moment; just another one of our little quirks, I guess. BPD always reminds me of this scene from the movie Memento (if you haven't seen it, you should. It is MESSED!)

http://youtu.be/QJ3Z0TSIpE0 (may trigger - there's a hit or two)

hellokitty wrote:I feel like as a woman, all i am is a garbage bin for semen

The same situation repeats itself countlessly in my life. For some reason I have had many people 'fall in love with me' in my life... Not really love, more like super horny extreme obsessive infatuation - and this lasts forever. I never seem to leave their minds . .. I put this down to the fact that I have the unusual combination of being well above average in looks and an extremely painful degree of insecurity and I am very naive and childlike ... for some reason men are 'into' that

Anyway, these people invariably have partners . . . who are always uglier, less interesting etc than me, who they manage to stay with... Whereas I remain the distant object of fantasy. I hate myself, I hate my body. I feel like I'm completely worthless as a human being and nothing but a bunch of holes to the world. I am nothing.

Generally, there are two reasons why guys go for the "helpless" woman, and both of them are rooted in the same issue.

First, there are the guys who are insecure in their "alpha-ness". They want a woman to be totally dependent on them to show how powerful they are. They want a woman to be totally helpless in the world without them. They're the ones who'll hint that they think you'd look better if you dropped ten pounds, got your hair straightened, dyed it blonde, and wore shorter skirts to show off your legs. Then they'll hint at it another 20 times until you do it. If they can show everyone else that a beautiful woman is at their beck and call, then they might convince others that they're an alpha male.

The other group, the one I'm in, is also insecure [*gasp* What's that, you say? A Borderline? Insecure? I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true!] We generally don't feel that we have much to offer a woman, so when we find one that wants/needs us for something, especially if she's beautiful, we're elated. It's our chance to be somebody's white knight/protector/provider/whatever-else-she-wants-us-to-be, so we don't ask questions, we just play it as cool as possible, and then when she's out of sight, we dance around like 4 year olds watching Sesame Street.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:Generally, there are two reasons why guys go for the "helpless" woman, and both of them are rooted in the same issue.

First, there are the guys who are insecure in their "alpha-ness". They want a woman to be totally dependent on them to show how powerful they are. They want a woman to be totally helpless in the world without them. They're the ones who'll hint that they think you'd look better if you dropped ten pounds, got your hair straightened, dyed it blonde, and wore shorter skirts to show off your legs. Then they'll hint at it another 20 times until you do it. If they can show everyone else that a beautiful woman is at their beck and call, then they might convince others that they're an alpha male.

The other group, the one I'm in, is also insecure [*gasp* What's that, you say? A Borderline? Insecure? I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true!] We generally don't feel that we have much to offer a woman, so when we find one that wants/needs us for something, especially if she's beautiful, we're elated. It's our chance to be somebody's white knight/protector/provider/whatever-else-she-wants-us-to-be, so we don't ask questions, we just play it as cool as possible, and then when she's out of sight, we dance around like 4 year olds watching Sesame Street.

This is weirdly one of the nicest things i've ever read......

i always assume that anyone who likes me is automatically a prick or a douchebag - just because that's how it works out in my head... so i guess its quite reassuring to know that life's not like that and everyone isn't out there to 'take' things from me and try to trick me into having sex with them...

Thanks guys! <3
i feel like i've just had the biggest hug <3 <3