Ther-rapey

So I decided I should give it another go. My down periods, when I do more harmful things to deal with life and gradually those things become more extreme, have been longer than my up periods. I feel like my center is caving in and all I want to do is go some quiet, small dark place and curl up in a ball to hide from this appointment to seek therapy. I just wish I could stick with someone, feel comfortable enough to actually address my $#%^. I'm pretty sure the relationship I've been in for the past five years (which yielded a wonderful and intelligent 2 and 1/2 year old boy) is over. I ruined it or he did, I don't know. I just don't.

I hope the appointment goes well, is there a long wait? Hang in there.

i don't think there was ever a day where I said I can't wait for therapy! But, once I get there and see her caring face and intentions, all of that anxiety melts away. I hope the best for you. Let us know how it goes!! And it's ok if it's weird the first couple of times. I know how BPD can be with trust issues. Just look at our four page thread about it! You'll be great.

A lot of times, I feel like I'm just a test subject for therapy the first few visits... But it always wears off after a month or so. I do hope you have a good time with therapy.

I do feel like a test subject! That's exactly it, there's only been one therapist in my past that I felt comfortable with enough the first few times to keep going, and I loved her. She was amazing, but she passed (she was elderly, a retired teacher) and I haven't been able to get close to a therapist since.
The woman I met with the other day wonderful, however, I feel like they think I am dim witted when they reassure me that I really am BPD, and after I say certain they say, "Well that's because of the BPD," well no $#%^ Sherlock. I don't need to be reassured I have a disorder, that's why I am there. She wasn't too awful about this though, and I even called her yesterday, and asked her what steps I might be able to take to rein in my promiscous behavoir, because that makes me feel awful about myself. Not always, I don't always feel awful about how much I sleep around, but there's always that one guy who ends it before I get to, and then I can't stop trying to figure out what is wrong with me. "That's part of the BPD.." uh-huh, this I know, so tell me something I don't. That is, after all, why I am trying ther-rapey again. And I just thought of what my BPD song is, so now I'm gonna go post on that thread. Haha!

Hey, and because I try to not be too much of an A-hole, I want to let you all know I appreciate your support. I really am very glad I found this site, it's nice to not feel so alone all the time.