BPD and trust

I know that trust issues are common for people with BPD. A lot of us have been hurt by people we have put the ultimate trust in. My question is then, how do we overcome these trust issues?

Here's my story if you wish to read more. Sorry it's a bit long, I ended up venting a bit towards the end.

I got into a fight/discussion with my boyfriend last night. He handles all of my money. He is like my representative payee, for those of you who know what that is. He handles all my income, pays all my bills, and gives me a certain amount of money to spend each week. This helps with my impulsive spending, and gets my bills paid on time, which I was not doing in the past. Allowing him to do this, I see is lending him trust. I have a big fear however that he's going to screw me over. I don't want to be one of those women who lets their boyfriend/husband do all the finances and wake up one day hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and have no clue about what was occurring to make this happen. I see those women as dumb for not being involved in their financial future and knowing where their money was going. (Judgement, I know) I don't want to be dumb. Now, I have no reason to really fear this. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way. According to him, all my bills have always been paid first ever since he's taken over the finances. But that's just it, it's according to him. That means that I need to trust what he's doing and not meddle. That means that I need to back off and become "dumb" to my finances. It's that control piece that I'm not willing to give up. If I'm not in control in some way, I feel out of control. The fight ended up turning into a fight about him not validating me because he thinks my feelings of being afraid to let go of my finances are invalid because my thoughts that are creating those feelings are invalid. He says that since I have no reason to think that he's done anything wrong, then my feelings are therefore wrong. I tried to explain that the feelings are still valid even though the thoughts may not be, but he just continues to invalidate me and tell me I'm wrong. That's a fight for another day though...That's why we need to go into couples counseling. Which he won't do, because he doesn't believe in therapy. I think another part of this control piece is that, If he's in control of my finances I can't save up to get my own apartment. He says that he has all of our finances figured out in months and years. I want out of this relationship. I've devalued him enough. I don't think that this relationship will work out. A few months ago I gave him an ultimatum. I said "I give you three months, until I want control of my finances, and to see some progress in this relationship or I'm leaving" His response to that was to not believe me. Sept 19th was the 3 month mark. He still won't give up control of my finances. He says that it will cause more of a mess and that I won't be able to understand how his system works out. I still want out of this relationship. I don't feel like it's going anywhere. It's looking more like I'm stuck here until our lease runs out in January, seeing as he didn't take me seriously and find a roommate to live with him and take over my part of the rent. We're basically just friends who live in the same apartment in my eyes. He has no concept of what love and romance are. That's not me exaggerating, that's fact. He hates kissing, holding hands, cuddling, having sex etc. We haven't had sex in 6 months. That's fine for him. It makes me resent him even more each and every day that passes. My feelings for him have changed. He says that I'm not "in" this relationship. I don't know how to be. I try to do nice things because my therapist says that you have to keep trying and those feelings eventually come back, but I think that we're just too far gone. He keeps trying to tell me how we can save up for a house in a few years at the rate we're going with our finances. That's the last thing I want to think of, but he just keeps ignoring me when I tell him these things. The only thing that is keeping me here is the fact that he has control over my finances. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to trust him, this would make our relationship better. I'm supposed to trust him that things will get better. I don't want to trust him because I'm afraid that I will have wasted my life in a relationship that is going no where and I'm not happy in. I'm supposed to trust him with my finances, but this keeps me locked into a relationship that I don't want to be in. I really feel as though this is his way of exhibiting control over me so that I won't leave.

I understand that placing your financial control in someone else's hands does require a great deal of trust and is something that can be stressful if you are having doubts about that person. If you are really very concerned there are other things you can do to be more in control of your money.

For one instead of just sitting back and feeling controlled get involved with the process. When he pays your bills be right there with him and learn his process so that he can't make an argument about you not understanding it. This can hopefully make you feel reassured about what is going on with your money, but also lead to your ability to regain control entirely after you are aware.

It does sound like you have a number of other issues going on that are leading to your unhappiness in the relationship as well. Couples therapy may be very helpful for you and maybe that should be the ultimatum you make rather than demanding control of your finances.

I don't know the whole story or your bf's intentions, but it does seem that you understand he is trying to help you with controlling or minimizing your impulsiveness, and if that is a real concern it may be the reason he doesn't take your threats seriously. He may see it as you resisting help that you need and making an impulsive decision or empty threat to manipulate him. You gave him control for a reason, and he may just be trying to stick to it thinking that that is what you actually want and need.

Even if his intentions are good it is clearly causing you a great deal of distress to the extent that you no longer trust him and resent him for controlling you. You may want to talk about those issues with him and counseling may make it easier to voice those concerns and develop a compromise/alternate course of action.

Ultimately you need to figure out whether it is in your best interest to be in control of your money or to give that control to someone else. It is not really fair to resent someone for something that you put them in control of for the intention of helping you if you aren't letting them know that it is causing you to feel controlled/trapped/resentful.

My opinion is that you need to regain control of your finances or be able to work something out where you can trust him with that power via counselling or becoming more involved in the process.

It also seems to me that there are other underlying issues because you sound like you just want out of the whole relationship towards the end of your post, but I'm not sure if that's just frustration from working yourself up (as I tend to get that way myself). You really should realize also that YOUR finances are just that YOURS. He is not a legal guardian and can't keep you from your money nor can he control your life should you feel the need to regain all your independence. Hopefully being able to realize that can give you some peace of mind

I hope some of that was helpful and I wish you the best.

Hey cheze2,
*may trigger*

It does sound like in a way he is trying to keep you by not giving up control over your finances. Though I don't know him so I'm going based on what you've presented.
Your emotions are always valid, because you are indeed feeling them and that's the misfortune of BPD.
In a way he's doing you a favor by handling the finances and preventing impulse, however in another way it's doing you a disservice because of the feelings you are experiencing and feeling stuck.

To make clear; your partner is NON BP?

If you really want out then there's a way, just try and go about it as civilly as possible and if you must I'd recommend getting someone else to help you with this process like a trusted family member...

Hey Cheze-


First off, I would like to ask a couple questions.


Firstly, is it possible for him to sit down with you and show you how much money came in, how much money was paid out in bills, and what the leftover amount is? I mean, I think it could go further into you at least seeing WHAT has been deposited into your bank account (single or joint), so that you know how much SHOULD be there. Also, there are many legal representative services that will be available to you, should he be hiding money or spending unlawful money of yours, as a rep payee. I have seen it happen a couple times.

Otherwise, you talk of your distaste for him. Is it that he's falling into more of a fatherly/caretaker role with you, and you're not as attracted? Are you truly ready to leave the relationship, or if he walked out tomorrow, would you beg him back? The reason I ask is that some of us truly HATE a person for whatever reason, and then once they're gone, we need them to come back because we didn't mean what we thought we did. If it truly is over in your heart, don't be letting him put YOUR money aside for a home that you will never see yourself sharing WITH him.


AMP

Tantor wrote:My opinion is that you need to regain control of your finances or be able to work something out where you can trust him with that power via counselling or becoming more involved in the process.

I've suggested counseling. He won't go. He says he doesn't believe in counseling and thinks that I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm right all the time.

Tantor wrote: He may see it as you resisting help that you need and making an impulsive decision or empty threat to manipulate him. You gave him control for a reason, and he may just be trying to stick to it thinking that that is what you actually want and need.

Good point, and it's probably true. How do I then convince him that that is no longer what I want without him thinking I'm trying to manipulate him?

CBear wrote:To make clear; your partner is NON BP?

Yes, he is a non.

CBear wrote: I'd recommend getting someone else to help you with this process like a trusted family member...

Unfortunately I've become so isolated in this relationship, I really don't have any friends or family who would be able to help me out.

MissAli wrote:Firstly, is it possible for him to sit down with you and show you how much money came in, how much money was paid out in bills, and what the leftover amount is?

I've asked him to do this. This is how I started our discussion last night by asking him to show me all of the money coming in and out. His response was basically, "You know everything that's happening with your finances" Maybe if I came up with something more concrete. Like if I created a spreadsheet that we could go over together?

MissAli wrote: Is it that he's falling into more of a fatherly/caretaker role with you, and you're not as attracted? Are you truly ready to leave the relationship, or if he walked out tomorrow, would you beg him back?

I don't think that he's into a fatherly/caretaker role, but he's definitely just more of a friend to me. I've lost all sexual attraction to him mainly after being rejected so many times and by his lack of desire for me as well. I think if we broke up, I would like to keep him on as a trusted friend, but definitely nothing more. I don't see myself begging for him to come back. I would miss coming home and having someone to talk to, but that's about it.


I appreciate all of your comments. This really is a tricky situation for me.

Cheze I don't know what to say. I feel for you though.

Maybe talk to him more about the finances and how you are feeling. Use "I feel". That was meant to make you Smile. Your money is yours. He can't control that unless you allow him.

As for how you are feeling about him. Is there anywhere you or him could go so that you could get some space to maybe really be sure of how you are feeling. Sometimes we do things we can't take back. Dont go just on how you are feeling. Make sure you think about it. All the way through.

I feel you Cheze. When I'm not "in control" I feel out of control. It's why I used to self harm and why I have issues with food. I need SOMETHING I can control.
I understand you being suspicious of your boyfriend handling your money. Obviously, you are trusting him not to screw you over, but money is money and I think it's very understandable that you are leery of who you let handle your finances. I wouldn't trust anyone with my money, even my parents, because I am suspicious of EVERYONE, usually without good reason.

I also agree with Reflection about taking some time away to cool down.
Sometimes if you're immersed on a situation, you can't see things clearly. Whenever I start to demonize a person, I immediately try and step back and take some time to really think about what's going on, instead of acting impulsively (as I am wont to do) and possibly screwing things up.
Tell him you need some time to think things over. It may just save your relationship.
BTW, you're a brave lady to be able to date a man who hates physical affection. I would kick someone to the curb if they didn't like being physically affectionate. I'm a mushy, snuggly person and I'm nearly positive that most people would feel suffocated by the sheer cuddly-ness that is Me. ;P I blame my Italian mother!

Hugs for you!

@cheze2

Hmm the friend part I understand as I often find that I end up isolating myself in a relationship. But family is a different thing.
Would you have a family member who you could discuss this with and ask them the favor to help you get out of this? If not you may just have to bite your tongue hard and do it yourself. While trying to keep your cool as best you can and keep your eye on your goal which is just to get your independence back and exit a relationship you aren't happy in. If he doesn't allow you this and continues to try to control you, that is a form of domestic abuse. Hell, even controlling your finances itself is a form of abuse right...
If he doesn't budge you can mention talking to the police about it. If he STILL doesn't budge then just call them and tell them your story on how you are trying to exit the relationship, get your financial control back and that he is not letting you do this. It's not right as far as law goes because you are being held up beyond your own will, a hostage to an extent. Not to say this guys a demon as I don't know him but what he's doing isn't respectful of your rights.

It'll probably be tough but if you're dedicated to get out of the relationship then these may be the measures you'll have to take.

reflection wrote:Maybe talk to him more about the finances and how you are feeling. Use "I feel". That was meant to make you Smile

Using my own logic on me are ya? that did make me smile, thanks

Rawrytheracingcar wrote:I also agree with Reflection about taking some time away to cool down.
Sometimes if you're immersed on a situation, you can't see things clearly. Whenever I start to demonize a person, I immediately try and step back and take some time to really think about what's going on, instead of acting impulsively (as I am wont to do) and possibly screwing things up

This is a good idea. Perhaps once we get out of our current financial struggle I'll ask him to pay for me to get a hotel room or something, or even rent a room somewhere cheap so we can spend time apart. I doubt he'll do it, but it's worth asking.

CBear wrote:If he doesn't budge you can mention talking to the police about it. If he STILL doesn't budge then just call them and tell them your story on how you are trying to exit the relationship, get your financial control back and that he is not letting you do this. It's not right as far as law goes because you are being held up beyond your own will, a hostage to an extent.

I'd hate to bring it to this extent. If I did, he would probably just tell the police about my mental instabilities and blame this all on those. I'm not unknown to the police, I've had them show up at my house to take me to the hospital before. I'm sure that won't help in helping them see the truth.

I think you all are right. I need to decide if this is REALLY what I want to do. I just feel so stuck. We've been having these same relationship issues for over a year now and I've stuck them out. He says that things haven't gotten better because I haven't been in the mental space to help them get better and blames it on that. I just can't see things that way. I live on a day to day moment to moment basis. If today is good, everything should be good between us, if today is bad at least it's just one day right? He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as I've had a bad month, a bad 6 weeks etc. I just can't operate on those terms.

No one ever wants to bring it to that extent but look at these posts; you are unhappy and feel trapped. He can't control you and as long as you are reasonable in your explanation to the police then obviously this guy can't keep you under the control of your own finances.