Doubting reality *possible trigger*

I feel like I'm losing touch with reality a little.
I have all these thoughts. I don't fully believe them, most of me knows they're crazy, but they play on my mind almost constantly. I don't even know if this is normal or not - I mean, I don't fully believe them.

So, here goes. My crazy thoughts.

My life isn't real. I'm dreaming or something like that. But I'm trapped. If I kill myself then I might escape.

I can't die, because it's a dream. There's a chance I'll escape by killing myself, but probably it just won't work.

People already have plans to put me in hospital. My GP might section me on the spot when I see her next week. Or they're waiting for me to hurt myself badly enough to need another transfusion so that they can justify it. My mother has already signed the papers.

They want to put me in hospital because they're trying to keep me trapped in this "dream".

The reason for me feeling panicky all the time is because this isn't real. The panic comes from knowing that my life is fake.


Thing is, I've had periods of time like this before, where I've thought things like this. I've usually ended up being medicated at those times though, and it wasn't this intense anyway. I try to tell myself that these thoughts are crazy, but I can't help thinking that just maybe they're true and what's actually crazy is trying to ignore them.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe everyone thinks things like this, and just don't talk about it.

Also, might I add, I'm not high, nor have I been for a while, but the intensity of all these thoughts keeps increasing.

I can't say I've had thoughts like all of those, but I do relate to the "I can't die" one. It's actually why I don't attempt, because I believe I will never actually just die, but I will only become really sick and have to live with the consequences. And a lot of times I believe most people I love want me dead, which is the main reason I contemplate suicide so often. I am continually coming up with fool-proof ways to do so. But then I watch another episode of Intervention and someone's done that and survives and I chicken out.

I feel like that sometimes... Last summer, that pretty much was how I felt. It was VERY tough...

And I felt like I couldn't die because I couldn't even do that right. It's honestly very annoying and painful to have to deal with that for long periods of time.

It sounds like disassociation to me. I've been there. My worst periods of disassociation occurred when I was already in hospital and it felt like the only way to get back to my body was to hurt myself. So I'd hide in the garden and burn myself with cigarettes and once, I poured boiling water over my hand. Once I tried to leave the ward to go to a hardware store and cut off my right arm because I was convinced it wasn't mine. I have a better understanding of what my mind is doing now although sometimes when I'm in distress, those feelings will come back and that's probably the only time these days where suicide becomes a real possibility. All the therapy, all the coping strategies, all the things I've learned about my illness goes out of the window. It's really scary. So I know how you feel and trust me, disassociation happens to a lot of people with BPD. Its even in the diagnostic criteria. So what you're feeling is somewhat 'normal' in the context of BPD anyway. That said, I've found that periods of disassociation are really dangerous because you're more likely to hurt yourself if nothing feels real. If this is true for you, you may well need to be in hospital where you can be kept safe and in my opinion, your GP would be right if they made that call. If you think you can keep yourself safe, then maybe you won't need to go in but you sound like you need some kind of treatment. I imagine that there should be other options besides drugs (although I'll admit that medication does help me a lot when I disassociate). I hope you speak to someone about this ASAP and please stay safe. Your life is real and it is important.

x

I've felt this way before, absolutely. It's distressing, to say the least.

The only way I've ever been able to cope with it is to tell myself that my thoughts aren't rational. It's weak, but sometimes it's enough to snap me out of it. It's not rational, not real, not realistic. Doesn't make sense and doesn't fit into the world. I AM real, because I am here and I am thinking and therefore I'm real. I can reach out and touch my computer, my desk, my chair, my bag. I am real and these things are real and I matter.

When I'm at my most intense, rational thinking usually helps a lot.

Hi FT, my dear friend-


Do you want to PM me? I don't want to get too personal with questions or advice on the public board, but I do have some ideas for you. <3


AMP

flowingtears wrote:I feel like I'm losing touch with reality a little.
I have all these thoughts. I don't fully believe them, most of me knows they're crazy, but they play on my mind almost constantly. I don't even know if this is normal or not - I mean, I don't fully believe them.

So, here goes. My crazy thoughts.

My life isn't real. I'm dreaming or something like that. But I'm trapped. If I kill myself then I might escape.

I can't die, because it's a dream. There's a chance I'll escape by killing myself, but probably it just won't work.

People already have plans to put me in hospital. My GP might section me on the spot when I see her next week. Or they're waiting for me to hurt myself badly enough to need another transfusion so that they can justify it. My mother has already signed the papers.

They want to put me in hospital because they're trying to keep me trapped in this "dream".

The reason for me feeling panicky all the time is because this isn't real. The panic comes from knowing that my life is fake.


Thing is, I've had periods of time like this before, where I've thought things like this. I've usually ended up being medicated at those times though, and it wasn't this intense anyway. I try to tell myself that these thoughts are crazy, but I can't help thinking that just maybe they're true and what's actually crazy is trying to ignore them.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe everyone thinks things like this, and just don't talk about it.

Also, might I add, I'm not high, nor have I been for a while, but the intensity of all these thoughts keeps increasing.

I totally know what you mean. I used to think that I was dreaming, or that my true self was sleeping somewhere and the only way to wake up was through death. Or sometimes if I felt stumped about philosophical or theological musings, I felt the only way to gain answers was to die and find out what happens. Best of luck as you work through this.