do i have bpd?

Hi,
Im 45 and most of my life I have feel that something is not right within myself mainly because I feel I cannot connect with people and have been plagues by feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, mild depression, self doubt etc. When I was younger i had a series of very stormy short-lived relationships that ended in pain. I would feel I hated the person but at the same time I felt that if they left me I would want to kill myself. I did some horrible things to these people when they could no longer cope with my inability to look after myself and cope with life. One person I threw all their belongings on the street, another gave me some gifts and when he left I smashed them to bits and left them in his garden so he would discover them. I have never self harmed or attempted suicide though. I abused amphetamines in my 20s , i literally took 1000s of ecstasy pills over the space of 10 years.I have no real friends just people I know however I have had a stable relationship for 10 years now which is good. My partner is very supportive but finds my moods and negativity hard to cope with. I feel so much guilt for being such a burden. I have been to many psychologists and never beeb diagnosed with anything but distymia. I just have these conflicted feelings inside like I want to make a good life for myself and be able to look after myself properly but then I hate life and hate people and can't cope and feel like I can't be bothered to do anything. People piss me off very easily. They only have to say one wrong thing or look a certain way and I feel intense hatred for them and wish they were dead or suffered pain. I feel like most people don't like me and are talking behind my back. I don't keep friends because of this.
I had a troubled childhood with and alcoholic physically aggressive father and a highly strung mother who was sexually abused by her own father and so she lacked boundaries. She had multiple affairs throughout the 30 year marriage all of which I was aware of even though my father was not. She basically used me as a confidante. At school I was ostracised and badly bullied. Anyway thats kind of my life in a nutshell. Sometimes I wish I could be diagnosed with something just to put a name to it. I haven't received any treatment but CBT which I find ineffective. Do you think I have BPD?

Before i start, im no doctor...can only speak from my own experiences. I can very much relate to you when it comes to relationships/freindships. Splitting or looking at things in black and white seems to be a large part of your life, and this is something strongly associated with people with BPD.
It also sounds like a less than ideal upbringing has contributed to the way you look at and deal with people, this in itself is very understandable, what i very much do as well.

Are you currently seeing a psychlogist on a regular basis? If so printing this out to give to him/her may give them a better understanding as well. Unfortunantly borderline gets misdiagnosed for other things frequently.
You have main traits of people who have BPD, i wouldnt hesitate looking into ptsd if you havent yet been told that too?
Hopefully this has been kinda helpful for you, dnt hesitate to pm me if theres anything else i can do!

Warm regards
M

Hi Kasey.

Welcome to the forum. I look forward to hopefully reading some of your input on the threads here.

See a psychiatrist/psychologist for proper diagnosis. That said, you do have several traits that many of us can relate to. You have 1 stable relationship, but it seems like all or most others are unstable. It seems you have intense and inappropriate anger, as well as, impulse control. Most of us would probably relate to the emptiness. Your childhood wasn't appropriate for a child.. So, it's definitely not out of the realm of possibility. take care. -cbox

Thanks for your replies. I guess when I was younger my instability was exacerbated by the drug use. These days Im nowhere near the way I was back then but as I said I am still plagued by feelings of emptiness and anger towards people and the world in general. I have never had any inclination to self harm or suicide. I have thought when Im depressed that death would be an escape but I have never really contemplated going through with it. Do all people with BPD do the self harm/suicide thing? Anyways Im going to the doctor tomorrow to get a referral to a psychologist.

kasey -

I think you're very brave to come here and share your story. Your openness to share speaks volumes. And being self-aware is such a big step. I'm so glad you're going to seek out a referral. Make sure when you get your first appt that you bring either this thread or some other journaling that way you can express your thoughts clearly for your first few visits. I know how important it is to finally get a dx. It's almost liberating to finally 'know' something. Keep us in the loop and if you need any help, we are always here!

Wineaux