Help!!! Looking for answers!!!!

I am 28 now, yes, as of today Yet all throughout school, I was never able to make any friends. I had "at school" friends, which lasted about two months before I had to establish a whole new set of friends. But I didnt have my first actual "outside of school" friend until high school, and even then, he was the only friend I had. Since then, I had two good years, where I had tons of friends, when i was 22. I had a major melt down later on that year, and since then, have not been able to maintain any sort of friendship, yet alone relationship.

I was diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago, I tend to obsess over the people who either treat me poorly, or the ones who could care less one way or the other about me. Yet the ones that truly do care, I simply push away. My last, at the time almost girlfriend" said after the break up "the more I tried to be your friend, the harder you made it for me. It finally got to the point where I could no longer handle it emotionally" We havent talked since. At work I completely isolate myself as much as possible, whenever I do talk, i beat myself up for the next couple of hours for saying anything at all. Outside of work, I never leave the house, when I do, its simply to go to work, the store, or church. Usually I will just lock myself in my room and spend it in chatrooms.

I can be in a room completely full of friends and people that I've known for a long time, and yet, at the same time, feel completely lonely and alone. It's like this emptiness feeling that never seems to go away. When I am with friends, I am never really able to enjoy it to the fullest. I tend to shy away, so people are never really able to get to know me, Im never invited to group activities or parties other people are having. I just feel so lonely and empty all the time. Like I want friends and relationships so bad, yet at the same time, when I do finally get them, i tend to just push them away in fear of getting hurt or rejected.

I have been reading through a lot of the posts on here, about BPD potentially being a life long struggle, the symptoms, side effects, and behaviors that go along with them, and I am wondering if it really is a life long struggle, and if so, is it really fair to put a normal healthy girl through that. The girl i was previously with tried, i mean her and her family were there for me longer than anyone else has since high school, and they literally put up with hell with me with the mood swings that I had. She was the girl every guy dreams of having. But with that, I hurt her more than any guy ever could. I dont want to put another girl through that same thing. What do I do. Do I still continue to try and date people, do i just put the idea completely aside altogether, or what. Im scared. I want a relationship more than anything, but I dont want to have one, if its coming at the expense of someone elses feelings and emotions.

Hi,

before anything else, realise that not all hope is lost. BPD may not be curable, or only have a very small chance of being cured, but you can follow therapy to learn to cope with it. You'll find ways to identify your triggers and cope with them. Not all hope is lost. Before you think about dating, I really suggest you try therapy.

Also realise that people are responsible for themselves. Don't stop yourself from dating someone - they can make up their own mind about whether they can handle it or not. Give them a fair shot. A relationship will always involve feelings, and feelings can always get hurt, BPD or not. Granted, the chance you hurt her when you have BPD may be bigger, but don't let it hold you down. Fight to get better, and your relationships will get better.

Have you taken a look at the avpd forum? You sound like you have a lot of those traits too.

The being alone feeling is a different one..but real. I think it comes from the inner part not getting the attention or whatever it wants..needs are not being met..either logical or illogical.

I deal with it, prefer not going to bars since it enhances this. To fix it I supplement the need with work or text someone to say hi.