Action, Reaction and Implications on Current Relationship

OK. To start, I do NOT welcome nons to post on this thread unless you have some pretty amazing insight. I'm allowed to say that, right? Since this is primarily a board FOR pwBPD. I need some intimate understanding here.

In short:

S/O did something that made me freak out and think he was abandoning me. Now confused about my lack of desire and some anxieties regarding speaking to him. We're in a long distance relationship, but hasn't always been that way. Thinking it's a reaction to the trauma of the extreme emotions that I experienced as a direct result of my attachment to him. Trying to figure out how to talk to him about it and work through the emotions.

The longer version:

Up until about a month ago, my S/O and I spoke every night, unless we informed each other otherwise. Either he would call me, or I would call him. We live 700 miles apart, by the way. Hasn't always been the case, but we started dating a month before I moved out of state. I know he's not going to leave me. He has been in love with me for nearly 10 years, and we've known each other for about 13. We've been dating for about 8 months. 6 months of that has been long distance, with the occasional visit.

One night, he decided to just not call, not text, and I flipped out. I know it was irrational, but it definitely triggered some of my abandonment fears.

He didn't really understand what his actions triggered. He asked if something else was going on, whether I was PMSing, anxious about something, etc. I tried to explain to him that his change in behavior (just being OK leaving things loose ended and not indicating whether he'd call or not) triggered a lot of BPD feelings. Us talking is pretty much up to him on most nights, because he gets home from work late sometimes, eats dinner late, and ends up feeling sick because of chronic pain issues and just a general low constitution.

So fast forward about a month, I feel like most nights I could care less whether we talk or not. A lot of nights I get anxiety about it, or I just can't settle down enough to sit in one place and talk to him for more than a few minutes. I really don't know how to feel better about this. I feel like I was traumatized by the extreme abandonment fears I experienced that evening about a month ago, and not sure how to process it.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you get through it? I'm going to talk to him about it later tonight, and I could use some ideas on how to work through it with him.

I don't know if this information is helpful, but as far as the severity of BPD I have, I meet all 9 requirements and am on disability because of it. I'm quite intelligent, but emotionally I'm a complete dumb ass.

I tend to agree with your assessment and it's related to the extreme emotions and anxiety. Similar things have happened to me and it can be very wearing. It seems to go away once I become more regulated.

I'm going to talk to him about it later tonight, and I could use some ideas on how to work through it with him.

My advice here is be open and explain what you're currently feeling and keep it focused on NOW. I think keeping it inside just causes anxiety and makes things worse you. If you can be open and upfront you'll be more relieved, anxiety will decrease, and things will resolve themselves..

atomicuniverse wrote:
S/O did something that made me freak out and think he was abandoning me. Now confused about my lack of desire and some anxieties regarding speaking to him. We're in a long distance relationship, but hasn't always been that way. Thinking it's a reaction to the trauma of the extreme emotions that I experienced as a direct result of my attachment to him. Trying to figure out how to talk to him about it and work through the emotions.

Hi Atomic,
Its really normal for you to have some level of stress about this relationship given the fact that its now long distance. I say that because I wouldnt want you to say to yourself, well I have BPD so everything I feel must be wrong. Its not wrong to feel anxiety when you go from a place where you are together and then you have physical distance between you. There is a loss in that. Mainly a loss of physical connection and time. And so its normal for that to make you feel anxious.

The situation is creating both a physical and emotional loss.

Your partner can lessen the emotional pain by giving you MORE reassurance. And I think him not calling showed you a lack of that. I mean when you expect MORE reassurance and get less.....who would not feel that?? So you are not wrong in feeling that either.

Everything you feel is normal. Its just that for you, perhaps the intensity is greater????

Sometimes the only way to comfort ourselves is with self talk. But also having some resolution helps.

When someone does something to hurt you ONE time. It is very different then if they have a pattern of hurting you. This is important to remember, because it is possible for anyone to be so wrapped up in something they are doing in the moment that they act carelessly.

Imagine if, for example, someone asked you to call them at an appointed time and you got a flat tire or were out with girlfriends and forgot time. You did not do this intentionally to hurt the other person. It can sometimes be very difficult to focus on people who are away from us physically when you have a gorilla of some sort in your face. Know what I mean? So whenever someone does something once, its good to bring it to their attention and give them the chance to correct it.

I do think its perfectly reasonable for you to expect more reassurance from him while you are having this long distance relationship. It would make anyone feel less secure and anyone would need that and so this is what I would ask for.

Its very soon to write him off is what I am saying, especially when you consider all you have invested in this relationship. Think of all the years of good things you have given each other. If you made yourself a list of all the good things he did and then a list of times he made you feel this way.....which list would be longer?

If your good list is long, then do you think it would be good to throw all that away for one act of inconsideration on his part which might have been just a one time thing???

I imagine you have done a lot of good for him. The good you put in has value as much as his. It means something. You invested yourself in this. If you test him by telling him how you feel and what you need........then give him a chance to make it up to you......if he can do that, then wouldnt it prove that he has listened to you and wants to make you happy and that you are important to him? And if he does reassure you more, he would be saying......she deserves me to help her even MORE now that we are apart. And I will do that. Its possible he didnt realize you need more reassurance, but after you tell him, then he will. If he gives it then, how awesome would that be? To know you can ask him for a little more when you need a little more and he will still be there for you to give a little more.

I hope this makes sense.

People make mistakes all the time. Sometimes we act careless or sometimes a situation in front of us causes us to lose sight of something more important in our heart.

Some people are just jerks.

What you have here is a situation in which you can learn more about him.

Test him, you do it by saying this....

You say: hey......we are apart now. I need a bit more reassurance to feel good inside. I need to know you still care for me as much as ever because without you here every day, its easier for me to forget that. Maybe you can email me some love notes, of leave me a voicemail, or call more.

Another thing you could do on your own is to txt him and have a running game......call it ......remember the good, where each of you sends a good memory to the other about a place you have been together, a good time you had, some great sex....whatever

Then you wait and see if he gets better.

Thats how you know if this was a one time thing or if he is a jerk.

And with most people I give them a few tries to mess up. Like maybe 3. 3 strikes and your out!

The reason I say 3 is because, you would be asking him to change his behavior. That isnt always easy......he might fumble a little at first. Send you the txts one day trying to comply.......forget one day but call, then remember another day......he has to learn and that can take time you know???

I really dont judge someone to be not right for me unless something that hurts me becomes a pattern AFTER I tell them it hurts me. Then I give them a little leeway for learning and then I re evaluate the situation.

What do you think about this??

Hope this is helpful