Worried for myself. Could I possibly have "dormant" bpd?

Hello to all,

To start off, I don't want to come off as wanting to self-diagnose myself. I'm just concerned and want to know whether or not my patterns of thinking indicate something that should be addressed before it's "too late", so to speak.

I'm 18 years old and have been previously diagnosed with Major Depression. I feel as though that is a wrong diagnosis. While I do feel that I meet some of the symptoms, I've held back a lot from the therapist that diagnosed me with this. What brought me to the hospital in the first place was a series of what I felt was sudden outbursts toward my parents that I felt I had no control over, a refusal to attend school on a regular basis, and suicidal ideation. It all happened so suddenly. I used to be a perfect student, a happy daughter, and in a matter of months I've screwed up my life.

When I first came across borderline personality disorder, I felt that I could relate a lot to what the symptoms were and I thought could understand a lot of what people with BPD were saying. I don't know if this is just a desperation to find an explanation or validation to what I'm feeling.

I've never been in a relationship, but I do notice that I tend to relate in a way to guys that leave them confused and it sometimes leads them into thinking I'm a very negative or crazy person. Whenever a guy shows the slightest interest in me, I will engage in a sort of push and pull behavior in which I will insult them, engage in normal conversation, say things to turn them off/push them away, pull them back with normal conversation and behavior, etc. If they choose not to run away, I will act as though I don't like them, will tell them to get away from me, stop bothering me, and then I will come running back or try to get them to come back to me if they comply. I feel that I do this to control the situation in order to lessen the chance of me getting hurt. And I'm not even in a romantic relationship with these men yet! This is why I'm worried that this behavior might intensify if I do happen to find someone who wants to become involved in me.

I also feel very "sponge-like". When I'm idolizing someone, I want to do and say things that will impress them, I want to be like them, act, think, and dress the way they do. I become possessive and obsessive over them, but I don't let them know that I feel this way. I don't want them to talk to anyone else, I don't want them to ignore or exclude me.

I also am very much like a light switch. I think I value people more than they value me, so when I'm not getting their undivided attention, I feel very ignored and abandoned, and that's when I start to devalue them, badmouth them in my head or rarely to other people, distance myself from them all the while silently screaming inside for them to mend what I perceive as broken. This will affect me for days and put me in a bad funk to the point where I want to kill myself. And in reality, there was no argument or communication that should validate this sudden switch other than me having had perceived being ignored. I'm sure the other person is unaware that I've once thought so highly of them and now I wish them dead.

Example: I made a few internet friends in which I've become very attached to. I thought I could count on them to come to my aid whenever I mentioned that I was going through a very hard time (I even mentioned my suicidal thoughts), but they didn't say a word to me, just went about their lives as though my "suffering" meant nothing to them. I understand that I can be very indirect when it comes to asking for help, but I felt that they should at least gotten the hint. I felt that they never cared about me in the first place, and this is why it is proper to hate them the way that I will so suddenly do.

This happens with any perceived abandonment or ignoring. My reaction to the situation can vary from me playing the victim to me feeling sorry that they aren't my friend anymore. Of course, when these feelings runs its course, I will want to vie for their attention again.

I feel empty, as though nothing will ever satisfy what I'm searching for. I don't know what I want out of life or what I want to do with myself. I feel that I am very impulsive when it comes to money and I think I binge eat a lot. Sometimes I even engage in purging. Sometimes I engage in punching myself in an attempt to fill this hallowness.

Does this sound like it could develop into BPD (if it already isn't)? Or am I just reading into myself too much?

I can explain a bit more if you'd like, and I'm willing to answer any questions.

Thank you

Hi bilar-


First off, I'd like to welcome you to the BPD boards, and please feel free to post your frustrations and your happiness here. All is welcome :0).


Secondly, as just anyone on here will tell you, you will need to go for a formal diagnosis, but given your age, it will be difficult for you to find a professional who will diagnose BPD in teens. It's a very difficult disorder to navigate, and they don't like to use the label much (although those of us here know all about it :0).

With that being said, there is five of nine criteria you would have to meet in order to receive the diagnosis, and I believe you've already seen those (just from the way you listed out your symptoms). My completely unprofessional and non-qualified opinion would be that it could be your growing up and using maladaptive coping mechanisms, or it could be BPD. Many people have the symptoms, but do not have enough of them for a formal diagnosis.

I feel you though, and we are happy to have you here!


AMP