question about 'lack of identity'

Hello all,

Can somebody tell me more about this aspect of BPD if possible? As it forms a major part and important component of the diagnostic criteria etc
Maybe some personal insights and perspectives if possible?

I think it has made me realise something crucial that I had not realised (or rather not fully, rationalised or fully acknowledged) before.

This may not make much sense but...
Have any of you ever acquired (or found it necessary to borrow) the traits, mannerisms, speach patterns, accents, attitude, demeanour, looks, dress sense, personality etc, of those people you chose to admire...and somehow amalgamate them into a persona in which one can 'act' through in social contexts and/or personal relations? Sometimes for years?
In essence, as a way of building some kind of identity (or maybe a shield?), in the abscence of one's own?
A bit like an actor playing a role? Or perhaps, even 'chameleon' like, in which one can shift personas or personalities (in a controlled way...quite unlike schizophrenia for example), and almost portray different personas depending on the occasion or social context?

Your thoughts on the matter will be greatly appreciated
Many thanks

Or...
in the proverbial nutshell...

What is meant by the term 'lack of identity?'
Would the above serve as a suitable definition?

I thank you

Warning, another long post, lol. Long because I'm attempting to describe stuff.

Interestingly I've done something similar but not cause of BPD/lack of self, more because of having NPD parent/s, and lack of ability to share self with others. (my comments might be useful/valid because NPD parenting often/usually is said to cause BPD, so even if its different, there might be some insight in it somewhere to what causes mirroring.)

I had to learn to act "how I was supposed to" to keep people off my back, so while I've always known I'm me, and have always had a sense of identity even when that sense has been just "everything and nothing", I've had no [external] identity to interact with others through, or at least not been used to interacting as myself because I'd have to keep it reserved for when I could.

So I learned being myself wasn't acceptable, so I'd resort normally to mirroring other people's behaviour, because people like people like themselves and it got guaranteed good/easygoing results most of the time, and I'd mirror people even for very short periods of time (even 2 minute conversations) - I didn't have to admire them in any way to do it. (more likely I learned it because my parents gave me less hassle if I mirrored them - learned it placates most people.)

So because of my limited opportunities to develop my own [real] personality as a child, later on I took bits and pieces from here and there, friends, aquaintences, movie characters for a while playing around with them, getting used to what it was like to interact with the rest of the world in different ways - in some ways trying to free myself up to be able to "just be me" with other people when I wanted to - and to give me a chance to try to develop an [interactive] personality I like, instead of hating the way I came across because it was something I'd learned to shut other people up.

I have been able to be myself at some times, but the more you do it the harder it is to drop it, and it became so automatic it was hard to "switch off". (Sometimes integrated stuff in the sort of "false self" way that usually happens in narcissism - learned I can become who I want to get what I want or survive different situations.) [this may seem muddled and makes little sense] - yes stuff did get incorporated into my personality over time, if i liked it, but never the stuff I did for those reasons, more stuff I picked up from friends & aquaintences, then later adapted for myself and integrated e.g. stuff like sense of humour or way of saying something, etc. In the short term, yes, all sorts, but I'd always drop it and come back to myself[or what there is of me] when I'd finished being whatever I needed to be.

In essence, as a way of building some kind of identity (or maybe a shield?), in the abscence of one's own?
A bit like an actor playing a role? Or perhaps, even 'chameleon' like, in which one can shift personas or personalities (in a controlled way...quite unlike schizophrenia for example), and almost portray different personas depending on the occasion or social context?

Yes, a shield against people trying to control who I was. Not in the absence of me, and yes an ability to shift or an actor playing a role, but as a shield, and something going on between me and the external world, a barrier, a way to keep control both over what happened in it, and of my own personal space.

I try to describe it, there's truth in it but I sense possibility of dishonesty in what I'm saying, possibly the [emotionally true] answer is just "because if they want to try to make me who they want me to be, I'll just lie to them cause they're ######6 stupid, and now they can't control me." I have always hated people for making or expecting me to do it.

My thoughts in relation to BPD are if a child is actually attached (including insecurely) to a parent who expects them to "be them", there is the message "if you love me you have to be me." I guess my example is what happens when the child isn't.

Dan1 wrote:Or...
in the proverbial nutshell...

What is meant by the term 'lack of identity?'
Would the above serve as a suitable definition?

I thank you

Aw ok, maybe my post is useless then

My answer would be depends why you do it, does it include a feeling of lack of identity? and also "I don't know". lol

In my intake with my current T, I described myself as a chameleon. I am just that.
If I admire you, I will change what I believe to please you.
At one point, I changed my religion and hurt a lot of people because the person I admired was religious.
I just wanted her to accept me.
But who would she really be accepting?
I adopted a lot of mannerisms from the last person I admired for the last two years.
A lot of my behavior was changed because I wanted to be like her.

I know very little about my core. I like purple. Animals are cool. I know what I'm good at, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be good at things that the person I admire is good at. I changed my major to what my friend's was, and I was just lucky I was good at what I changed it to. Otherwise, that would've been a disaster.

I change how I act depending on who I am around. It all depends on certain things.

My world definitely revolves around whoever I admire and I definitely do become and merge with them, as my therapist said today.

We're personally working on my identity...collecting little pieces and putting it in a container that will become my core.
I long for the day where I can feel confident about who I am. Ack.

Hi Katana,

Many thanks for your post.

In fact, I found that very interesting and useful reading.
Any insight or new perspective offered is, for me, a step forward in undertanding this condition..as I have only just very recently discovered I have it (and to a very high degree I fear).
...So I certainly found your message useful and learnt something from it too.

Many thanks

-- Wed Aug 15, 2012 10:00 pm --

Thanks for sharing that EvG...that is useful insight and helps make sense of my vague grasp of the 'identity/mirroring' concept and definition.

Best of luck with the journey ahead

i've always found the following 2 sites to be helpful when trying to understand my identity issues:

http://bpd.about.com/od/understandingbpd/a/whoami.htm

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ ... bance.html

i'm constantly trying to figure myself out. my job requires me to mirror everyone i come into contact with, so at the end of the day, i'm like...who AM i? it sucks...i'd like to figure myself out. let me know if you find that right mirror!

Dan1 wrote:Hi Katana,

Many thanks for your post.

In fact, I found that very interesting and useful reading.
Any insight or new perspective offered is, for me, a step forward in undertanding this condition..as I have only just very recently discovered I have it (and to a very high degree I fear).
...So I certainly found your message useful and learnt something from it too.

Many thanks

No problem, glad you found it helpful.

I like evgoddess have changed my persona many times. It is typically around who I am dating at the time. I also have dramatically changed my religion for a guy I was dating (We ended up getting married and then divorced a few years later). I don't think I have any clue as to who I really am on the inside.

I think my identity is what i needs it to be for a certian situations. Work, home, outside in public, etc, they are all different, but im more myself at home and in public. Wife knows me at home and i dont care about the public.

I realized a long time ago that I mirrored people, though I didn't realize that it wasn't a good thing, or that I lacked my own identity because of it. I just felt instantly drawn into other people, their lives, their personality, their taste. In some ways it felt like an escape from "myself", and also I felt connected to the people I was mimicking. And then I would get tired of them and rebel against the personality I adopted.

Now what I would consider as my "own" personality seems extremely obscured, with a strange echo of all the people I've encountered in the past. I've been trying to be more of my own person though, reaching all the way back to how I was before... when I was very young; that feels more right than anything else.