BPD: Why Do Changes In Plans/situations Mess Me Up So Much?

It can be the smallest change - for instance this evening I had arranged with my partner to meet him straight after work at his mothers house. His mother lives in the same city that I work, so I was going to get the bus straight from work and meet him there, expecting him to be there - because why would he arrange to meet me there if he weren't going to be there? Anyway at 4pm I randomly text him asking him what time he would be at his mums and he said 6ish, baring in mind I finish work at 5pm and his mums house isn't too far from where I work - also when my partner says he is going to be somewhere he is usually later than the time stated. So it meant I was going to be turning up at his parents house without him, which is not what we planned - nor what I wanted. So it's sent a massive spanner into the works. I text him telling him I didn't want to be there before him and he told me to hang about in town and get a later bus. And yes I can see how this might work for 'normal' people - but for me 'hanging about' doesn't even exist in my world. I'm extremely anxious in public places and after wearing a mask all day at work I just want to hide asap. So it sent me into a funk. I ended up telling him to go to his mothers on his own.

And here I am, in such a down mood and I can't even explain why. Usually I am good with deciphering my moods, figuring out my triggers and why they might have triggered. But this one I'm clueless. I can't stop thinking about hurting myself, and was crying on the train home, I couldn't even look anyone in the eye on the train because I felt so ashamed of myself - thinking they would be too. And why? I don't know.

This happens quite a lot with changes in plans or situations. Because of this, I keep a diary so I plan things ahead in order to stop this from happening, but I can't plan everything - life is life - so it'd be better to figure out why I react this way and how to deal with these feelings rather than planning my entire life to a T.

Does anybody else experience anything like this? Does anyone have any ideas why I am like this/what could be bothering me?

I know it's a pretty silly thing to do to be asking others how/why I am feeling something, but I am really that clueless and I can't seem to help myself when I'm in this mood. It's just a downward slope.

Any input/help is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading. xx

I get annoyed and upset when we're not having the dinner my parents said we would. I feel ready to burst out crying when someone changes plans last minute, or tells me they can't make it, or move it to another date.

I've thought about it as well, and I think for me personally is that it feels like someone else changes plans without telling me far enough in advance. That makes me feel like I'm not important to them, or I don't matter to them that they just have other stuff to do and I have to deal with it. Or they feel like having another meal and I have to deal with it. It makes me feel misunderstood, that they can't see how much it affects me. So basically I think for me it's the feeling that I don't matter.

Edit: It's also that thought "If they loved me, they'd know how much it affects me and wouldn't do that. So they must not love me." I know it's not true, but it's how it feels.

Alexander1507 wrote:I get annoyed and upset when we're not having the dinner my parents said we would. I feel ready to burst out crying when someone changes plans last minute, or tells me they can't make it, or move it to another date. I don't know why this is.

I've thought about it as well, and I think for me personally is that it feels like someone else changes plans without telling me far enough in advance. That makes me feel like I'm not important to them, or I don't matter to them that they just have other stuff to do and I have to deal with it. Or they feel like having another meal and I have to deal with it. It makes me feel misunderstood, that they can't see how much it affects me. So basically I think for me it's the feeling that I don't matter.

agreed! again...now i feel like i'm e-stalking you

I don't like it either. What Alexander said is the same for me. It upsets me so much -_-. I can't handle disappointment at all, either, so if I was REALLY looking forward to something that gets cancelled, I get even more upset.

What evgoddess says about disappoint certainly is true for me as well. Silly things like seeing a movie with a friend falling through upsets me. My parents tell me that when I was a kid, they'd never tell me when we were going somewhere fun because a) I kept asking how long the wait was, every other minute and b) I'd be inconsolable if it got cancelled. Even when there were explanations and it was out of their/our hands I'd be upset.

I'm jumping on this bandwagon too. I am AWFUL for not handling changes in plans well. anytime I have a picture in my head of how I'm expecting something to happen and then it doesn't happen that way, I just get really upset, it's like I can't adjust. I guess I don't go with the flow very well... unless there was just never a real plan in the first place. I'm kinda like that with other things too - like, if I've decided I'm staying in for the night, if that's my plan, then someone asks me to go out with them, invites me to something, whatever, I can't just swap from "chill night in" mindset to "going out" mindset. even if it sounds like fun, if I've already decided on what I'm doing, I just can't change my mind. once I'm mentally settled on something, that's it. that's all she wrote.

I occasionally find it infuriating.

Same here. plans are plans, dont change them unless you give me a weeks notice so i can figure what to do about it. I dont do sudden change very good at all.

I'm the same way. If I've been thinking I'm going to go shopping at a particular store or I'm going to have a particular thing for dinner and I don't, God help you.
I H-A-T-E not knowing what to expect and thinking something is going to be a certain way, only to have it changed last minute.

I think that you guys have this one handled to a T, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here too (and as JB always says - sorry, no refunds :0).


I think, for me, it has a lot more to do with having expectations that do not get fulfilled due to the change in plans and what I had prepared myself for. For example, if I am supposed to do dinner at 5PM with friends, I'm ready for dinner at 5PM. And then if they move dinner to 6PM, then I'm wondering what I'm going to do for the entire hour beforehand.

I try to work on managing my own expectations. Because I feel let down by really trivial stuff, I think this is part of the unraveling of the yarn that I can tackle.

<3


AMP

People have told me many times that I expect way too much from people. I think it's just part of our issue, so to speak. If I expect someone to do a certain thing or be a certain way and they don't, I get really disappointed, and because I have stronger feelings about things than most people, it tends to get blown way out of proportion.