not being able to sleep, nightmares.

hello,

so, i haven't been able to get any decent sleep, because whenever i close my eyes, i seem to get nightmares that cause me to wake up in a panic, mumbling, ITS NOT F*CKING TRUE NOooooo. i toss and turn in bed, it's so uncomfortable. sometimes i just prop myself up in the bed and sit there and the dark, angry, sad, confused, unable to comprehend anything.

my dreams always seem to revolve around my significant other lying, or could be lying, or is being sketchy. in my dreams, he is the devil and a damn liar. the thing with me is, when someone tells me something they better give me enough proof. he gave me proof, but i needed more proof, more MORE MORE MORE!! validation. he didn't have enough. (who would?) so to me, he is forever a liar until he can reverse time and prove to me. which will never happen so i will forever be unable to trust him. ( i know it's not a shabby way of thinking but i can't think any other way..... )

in my dreams, he is not a good person. he is quite repulsive.
and no matter how good he treats me, these dreams always occur.
i don't trust him, i don't trust anyone, i don't think it's ever gonna happen.

i can't stop getting these horrible dreams, sometimes they are about different things too, like friends being deceitful, murders, me cheating. or times i have f*cked up in the past.

the thing is, i am unable to sleep from the start because i get thoughts that never stop. i always have questions i want to ask, the only way i get myself to sleep is smoking weed, i thought the nightmares could be linked to the smoking, ive gone days without smoking to test my theory and i still have nightmares.

when my significant used to live with me i would get these nightmares and wake up yelling at him, calling him a liar, piece of $#%^........ and alot of mean things. i would say "if you were more BELIEVABLE i wouldn't have these dreams, if you were trustworthy i wouldn't have these f*cking dreams." i would be in a rage, all i thought was, ITS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE LYING, YOU COULD BE, WAIT, YOU ARE BECAUSE I DREAMT IT.

now that he doesn't live with me anymore, i just wake up crying and pissed off/confused.

everytime i seem to improve, i always feel like i am standing on the edge again, ready to fall off.

just really tired, never seems like it will get better.

Before I start I am going to tell you.
This might trigger you.

You need honesty. I get that.
How honest have you been in your life?
How honest have you been with others?
How honest are you with yourself?

Its IMPOSSIBLE for someone else to fulfill your needs completely. Simply because
these needs are met in 2 ways.
One way is by having others GIVE us honesty, loyalty, respect ect...( by demanding them in some cases) - this is when we need the support of others
But the other way needs are met is by ACTING them out ourselves or by demanding that we follow our own rules, and standards. To FEEL good INSIDE. We have to FOLLOW our own rules. This requires CHOICE and ACTION on our part. No one, anywhere or at anytime has the ability to CHOOSE how we will ACT. The person with the final and ultimate say is always us. WE are responsible. No one else can be. So when someone has another person in their life and that other person is giving everything they can that is being asked for, yet the person asking is STILL not happy. Then you have to look to the person themselves. Are they being responsible in doing their part in meeting their own needs?

I have no control over someone else who wants to lie. I have no control over someone else who wishes to cheat. And even in this post. I can say whatever I want. But in the end.....its not gonna be my choice to act. I will never have the choice of another. Its not my choice. Its their choice. Its their life.

A person who demands to be treated fairly, honestly, and with respect from others. Can have every single person in their life meet this need with 100% accuracy.
And yet if they lie, cheat, and disrespect themselves. They will STILL feel completely and utterly worthless inside from violating their OWN values. And there is NOTHING anyone else can do about it because they simply dont have any power at all to control that persons ultimate actions.
A persons OWN need to follow their OWN rules will never be met fully without their participation.
If someone doesnt do their part to meet this need within themselves then it will become like a bottomless pit which is never filled.

So do you believe in your own ability to be honest all the time, or even most of the time?
The way to believe that people dont lie. Is to become a person who doesnt lie ourselves.
When we can do it ourselves, then we know its possible for others to do it.
If you can believe in you, that its possible for you to be honest, then you can believe in others.

Its also true that you can be perfectly honest and yet give that ONLY and always to people who dont return your honesty. If you do that, then its more a question of do you demand that others not lie to you?? And are you able to let people go who DO lie?