*Trigger* Dealing w/Trauma Post BPD Diagnosis

On Sunday I had a traumatic experience. I was at a street festival and a drunk driver plowed through the barricades into the crowd. He hit four people, two of whom died, and another one was in critical condition for a while... she was the girlfriend of the first one to die.

I was right in the path of the car, which came to a stop 15 feet in front of me. When I heard the sound of the crash and turned around, there was a body flying at me... one of the victims lay dying pretty much at my feet and it was the most graphic, violent death I've ever witnessed.... I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say it could have been a scene in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

I've been dealing with what happened in a number of ways, including therapy, being with friends, going to a candlelight vigil for the victims, making donations toward funeral funds and spreading the words of the funds and fundraising events, working with the detectives as a witness, and putting on my lawyer hat and conveying as much legal info about the case as I can to the numerous people in the community mourning the victims, etc.

Emotionally, I think I'm ok... my therapist was almost hoping I'd have PTSD so she could add it to my diagnosis, allowing my insurance to start covering weekly visits for a change. But honestly, I don't feel THAT traumatized now that four days have passed. The first day I shook and cried a lot, the next day I went to work but was dazed, yesterday I slept 14 hours and today I almost feel "normal" again.

But I think I'm also afraid of letting myself fully feel it because I've done so good in therapy learning how to get more control over my emotions. I'm so confused about HOW to feel any more. My DBT therapist during my emergency session on Monday kept encouraging me to let out what I was feeling but oddly, my primary emotions are GUILT over feeling anything at all, when I didn't even know the ones who died, and I don't want to make everything about ME any more, I want to be less self-focused, and I think we should be focused on the real victims so it feels wrong to act like I'm a victim in this situation... and then I have the emotion of JEALOUSY/SURVIVOR'S GUILT b/c it really should have been me; the one who died in front of me prolly wasn't suicidal at all and I have been for months, so why did it have to be him instead of me who died??.... and then there's all this CONFUSION b/c I don't know what's a normal emotional reaction and what's BPD, and does *everything* count as normal during a traumatic event? I know, we're not supposed to judge our emotions like that, but I feel frozen because in trying to observe my feelings I don't even know what to call them any more... nothing makes sense... DBT is supposed to help me get through difficult stuff but instead I feel crazier than ever b/c I"m trying to wade through my reactions to this nightmare and describe and observe them and makes sense of them as I have been with my emotions generally for the past few months and nothing. makes. sense.

It just doesn't make sense, any of it. It's all about me, and it's not about me. Everything is normal, everything is DBT. I'm not supposed to judge my emotional reactions but my wise mind KNOWS I'm ###$ up.

This doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense. My therapist wants me to write down whatever thoughts/emotions pop up most frequently, and the most predominant emotions are all selfish, not about the horror of what I witnessed, but about ###$ up jealousy that I wasn't one of the people who died inches or feet from me.... and guilt for making it about me and not feeling something more human and compassionate and less me-focused toward the victims.

And I feel like my friends who know my diagnosis are watching me carefully to make sure I don't snap at any minute, so on top of everything else I'm trying to prove that, yes I may be a borderline person who just went through a gory horrendous traumatic event, but I'm not gonna snap, really I'm not.

And I won't.

But I kinda wish I could. I think maybe I need to just drive out to any empty field and scream profanities at the sky at the top of my lungs at the unfairness of it all. Anyone wanna join me?

Rollinginthedeep wrote:I want to be less self-focused, and I think we should be focused on the real victims so it feels wrong to act like I'm a victim in this situation...

It just doesn't make sense, any of it. It's all about me, and it's not about me. Everything is normal, everything is DBT. I'm not supposed to judge my emotional reactions but my wise mind KNOWS I'm ###$ up.

Well....i think you and your therapist might be at odds because usually as I understand it , one of the goals of therapy is to be more self focused, not less.

People with personality disorders tend to project onto others in certain situations.
Meaning ....its about you, but you sortof blame it on someone else. Its not the focus on yourself that is selfish....its the lack of taking responsibility for your feelings that is selfish.

Like say I am angry because I messed up something at work. My anger is mine. My feelings are mine. I am responsible for making myself feel better. But to do that in a way that is effective means I have to focus on me.

I feel incompetent. Like I cant do anything. It makes me feel bad. What do I need? I need to feel better. How? Well....I can remind myself of ways when I have been competent. Things I have accoplished or learned or achieved. I can remind myself that this will end or I can come up with a plan to fix my mistake. If I do all this......can you see that I am doing it all alone? I am taaking full responsibility for my mistake and my feelings. I am finding a way to make it all good again which does not harm myself or anyone else. THIS is not selfish.

Now lets say a coworker comes in and I feel exactly the same. I am incompetent. I cant do anything. But in this case imagine instead of taking full responsibilty for my feelings and my behavior I decide to blame her. I say to her.....why didnt you tell me the deadline for this problem was today? I just got chewed out for it. How could you be so incompetent!?!? Here I am being SELFISH! Why? Cause it was my problem to work. Meaning my responsibility to know when it was due to be turned in ultimately. I am blaming someone else instead of taking responsiblity for my own actions and I am PROJECTING my feeling of incompetence on HER. In her mind she is thinking....are ya kidding me? Its not my problem. Dont blame me you selfish bitch. OWN it. And fix it. Here I have made my problem her problem. I have focused on her as the source of my frustration and not on me. Yet I am the one who caused the problem because the task was mine in the first place. Here I hurt me and her. I hurt myself by falsely accusing her, falsely judging her and making her feel responsible for my problem. THAT is selfish.

Focusing on oneself is not bad unless you are relinquishing your responsibility for your own problems.
Selfish is USING people to fill a need we can fill ourselves.

Sometimes we need others to help us fill a need, but if we need them then we need to ask for their help.

You can focus on you. This accident happened to those who are dead and to you too. Their death impacted your life and there is nothing you can do to bring them back. When you focus on you in this case, you are not disrespecting them. Life goes on. And you must cope. Whatever you feel is how you feel. There is no right or wrong about it. U have a right to discuss it. If you feel a need to respect them, then there is time for both. Set aside time for the focus to be on you and set aside time for them if you wish. But time in therapy is supposed to be about you. Nothing wrong with that.


This doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense. My therapist wants me to write down whatever thoughts/emotions pop up most frequently, and the most predominant emotions are all selfish, not about the horror of what I witnessed, but about ###$ up jealousy that I wasn't one of the people who died inches or feet from me.... and guilt for making it about me and not feeling something more human and compassionate and less me-focused toward the victims.

And I feel like my friends who know my diagnosis are watching me carefully to make sure I don't snap at any minute, so on top of everything else I'm trying to prove that, yes I may be a borderline person who just went through a gory horrendous traumatic event, but I'm not gonna snap, really I'm not.

And I won't.

But I kinda wish I could. I think maybe I need to just drive out to any empty field and scream profanities at the sky at the top of my lungs at the unfairness of it all. Anyone wanna join me?[/quote]

ThisEndUp wrote:
Focusing on oneself is not bad unless you are relinquishing your responsibility for your own problems.
Selfish is USING people to fill a need we can fill ourselves.

Wow. I popped online to say one thing but you've totally distracted me and made lightbulbs flash with your input. Thank you. It wasn't my therapist telling me I should be less "me" focused... it was me, my exlover's memory, my ex-therapist maybe, but not my current therapist.

Not that that matters.

Everything you said was spot on. Thank you for that.

What I *was* going to write about was how I just left all my friends at a musical b/c I was feeling more depressed than ever, how the accident has made me more suicidal, just wishing I were the man who died in front of me...

... but you've given me something more positive and somewhat inspirational to chew on as I try to sleep tonight, so thank you for that.

Rollinginthedeep wrote:Wow. I popped online to say one thing but you've totally distracted me and made lightbulbs flash with your input. Thank you. It wasn't my therapist telling me I should be less "me" focused... it was me, my exlover's memory, my ex-therapist maybe, but not my current therapist.

WOOOOHOOO
See you just did it!
I think it is natural and normal to focus on ourselves. Because when we have a problem....and in particular when we have an EMOTIONAL dilemma, only we can solve it.
Your EX lover and Ex therapist might have intimated that you were slfish which might have made you doubt your natural inclination to focus on you.

Just because someone outside of you says something doesnt make it true. But also....in general when someone calls someone else selfish, they are making that judgement based on their behavior and NOT on their focus. Basically if someone actually says to me, hey you are selfish! They are trying to get you to stop focusing on them. My correct response, or the thing I would need to do to FIX that would be to focus on me MORE! Specifically my behavior and if I am using them or blaming them for something I need to fix myself.
When they say you are selfish what they really mean is you are blaming them for something they have no control over.

Only you can fix how you feel inside.

I understand that you may not know how and you may not even believe that its possible.
But it is.
Some emotional things are very complex.
Sometimes we all need help from others.
Going to a therapist or a friend and asking for help is not selfish because in doing so you are basically saying....I know this is about me, but I dont know how to fix it myself. I need help.

A therapist is not going to fix your problem for you, but they can guide you toward a solution, one that you choose, one uniquely suited to you, and one that you can use to find many other solutions in your life that will bring you the peace and meaning in life that you deserve.

A therapist will help you find your power again. The power to create a new life. The life you want for yourself.

Thank you. I hope my therapist CAN help me tomorrow. I haven't done any of my written DBT homework this week b/c I've been so out of it. It's kinda hard to learn new skills when I'm in the middle of trauma... I wish we'd gotten to the emotion regulations & soothing chapters before this happened

and really, that post from you helped immensely.

I think one of my biggest problems has always been projecting, internalizing everything in the world and seeing everything Out There as being all about me (and not being able to stand it when it ISN'T!). So when my old therapist and ex both keep telling me "It's not all about you, stop making everything about YOU"... I was thinking the solution to what was obviously my flawed character was to focus more on them... but now I'm getting for the first time it's to focus more on me, but SEPARATE me from them and not impose me on them (and blame them for me).

I really need to keep chewing on this one. I was about to say that it doesn't make me necessarily feel better about seeing this violent death up close on Sunday, but maybe it does... if I can honor his memory by letting him be, giving myself permission to walk away from the tragedy of another I didn't even really know and focus on me again...

thinking, thinking, thinking...