How to control myself?

Hi,

this is my first post on this forum.

My best friend and I have known each other for seven or eight years. We've had a lot of fights, but I'd always managed to get her to stay. Last year, she left suddenly, for months on end. It was pure agony, because she was my everything. She came back, and the first few months were a real struggle - a lot of fights, but still feeling so desperate to not have her leave. Then we got together as a couple for 3,5 months and about a weak ago she broke up with me. She wanted to leave entirely again, but I managed to convince her to convince her parents to at least allow us to still be friends. Now she's been gone for a few days - I last spoke to her on Wednesday. She's been busy with cinema, work, then a visit to a friend. I've been mailing her, but today she seems kind of cranky at me and I'm scared for when she comes back. I'm sad and desperate that she doesn't seem to care at all about how much I miss her. It's like she only cares about her other friend. I feel like I'm not enough for her. And I'm scared that when she comes back, I'm going to be angry with her and lash out and say hurtful things and she'll leave again and I just can't live without her. So I guess the question is, how do I control myself when she gets back so that I don't lash out?

hey alexander!

i totally understand where you are coming from, i too, have the same problem. i've been with my significant other for over a year and it was just HELL. so much fighting, and abuse on both parts. i lashed out like hell, everything bothered me.

i couldn't control it, i couldn't stop it, and sometimes, i just didn't want too.

then one day he left, and i sat there in awe. shocked at how bad everything went, how we put ourselves through so much crap. we sat down and talked things out. he went from living with me to living back with his parents and time apart from me, it f*cking hurt like hell, at first i didn't understand, i felt like he ditched me. what an ass. but the more i thought about it. i realized i was unbearable. my rage pushed him away, but i put everything on the table and realized i had to get my life together, i needed help.

the biggest thing is to talk to her and see what she wants, sometimes it's hard to be with someone who loves you one day and snaps at you another. and it takes a really strong person to be able to keep it going. imagine roles were reversed, if you could handle the lashing out, the mean words, and the hurtful things the person you care about so much says to you.

i know you feel abandoned, i felt the same way. i still do. i'm pissed at myself and at my significant other. but i know i need help. and we agreed to try to make it work. when i do get mad or in a rage, i usually go into another room to calm down, sometimes i go take walks, i don't know if you smoke weed, but it helps too. (at least it helps me.)

and no doubt she misses you. if she didn't care for you, i don't think she would still be around.

your best bet is to learn what makes you tick and find a new outlet for it, whether it is taking walks, boxing, or some sort of hobby. you need to control your rage because it's the stuff we can't seem to control that pushes others away. write down what bothers you and bring them up to her in a calm manner, also throw in how much you care and love her and need her in your life. it's all about communicating in the right manner, it's not ganna be easy, just take baby steps. if you see yourself unable to control, go into other room, or leave the house for a walk/run and come back.


you can do it, best of luck.

Exactly what luongiepie said. Gotta find another outlet. I am going through the same thing. My friend didn't get up and ditch me completely (my hypothesis is that she needs me very much, too); she just doesn't cut people off. She does, however, become reserved and did put space in between us. That's enough for my brain to become frantic and believe that she ditched me. We just recently started talking again and that's what pushed me to get help.There's no turning back now. I see how much I hurt her. I am still mad at her for "leaving".....but I know that it's irrational.
I, personally, just talk to my therapist instead, or try to. I'm working on trying to make my therapist into who my friend symbolized. It's hard because she and I just met and there's obviously a lot of trust issues there. But I'm working on it. I focus on the relationship between my therapist and I. I also try to focus on my emotions, because I found that all my emotions (sadness, confusion, etc) comes out as rage, which then my friend had to deal with. I'm trying to name the emotion before it gets that far. That's what ended up messing up my friend and I's friendship - I would get mad at her, I would lash out, and the fact is that I wasn't mad, I was upset about something she said earlier. But anyway, I know what you're going through. Try to slow down before acting on the rage. It's really hard, I know. Awareness IS the first step, though!

the most anger i think comes from thinking the other person is dealing with this separation so well and you are just struggling like hell. makes u feel like they don't care as much as you do. you think, why are they able to move on quicker than you, you just CAN'T feel that way, it just created rage and sadness, and you stay in the loop you have been in, stay occupied.

I've been trying to figure out what exactly makes me angry, but it's hard to tell. I know for sure that when she can't spend time with me because she's hanging out with another friend, I feel irritated and scared that she won't come back to me. If she's away for a few days, like these past few, my every thought is focused on her and my fear that she won't come back.
I also get angry when I have a very strong opinion about something and she disagrees but can't back her opinion up properly. It can be something as silly as her liking superheroes and Hawkeye and everything, but then it makes me feel insecure because I'm no superhero by far and I get scared she'll leave me because I'm ordinary, which I know is irrational. I seem to general be unable to stand it if she likes an actor or a singer I don't particularly like. I just can't deal with it. It makes me feel insecure, and I say stupid stuff about them, just so she'd know how much I hate them.
I've talked to her about my triggers, but she says that if she can't talk about everything with me, then maybe she doesn't want to be my friend. She feels like she shouldn't have to hold back. In a way, I know she's right, but I feel like I sacrifice so much for her. So why am I not worth a sacrifice?

When we were in a relationship, it was perfect to me. If I think about it, we did argue a lot, but somehow I don't seem to remember. I remember the good times, and there were a lot of them. She broke up with me almost a week ago and when I ask her why, her story changes all the time. At first she said her parents didn't want her to be with me because they think she's gay, then she said that she always knew it wasn't going to last and she's just breaking up with me before it's too late, and then she says I was always more invested in it than she was - but then she's basically saying she lied to me all the time, and it still just doesn't make sense. I've talked to her about it, but she's very stubborn and I know that if I push too much to get back together I might end up losing her as a friend.

A part of my problem is that when I'm angry, I need to say everything on my mind. I've tried to just go into another room or go out, but I can't. I need to say it all, and when she leaves before I've had my say I just go nuts and my thoughts hurt me and I feel like I'm imploding, and I start hitting and scratching myself. Then I end up going through the remorse, feeling like I'll forgive her for anything as long as she stays with me. And then I end up sweet talking her and apologising even if I don't really want to or feel like I should, just so she wouldn't leave me.

I've been seeing a therapist for the past six months, but my parents don't know about it. My therapist doesn't really help me - she lets me talk, and if I'm done talking she'll send me home early. One time, I was really freaking out because all the noises were loud and I couldn't focus and I was hyperaware and everything was coming at me, but she just sent me home (of course charging a full session), when she knows I'd have to take the bus, then be at a busy train station, take the train, etc.
I've been trying to get her to help me or give me advice, but she never really does. She's very vague. I'm scared to change therapists, though, because I don't want her to think badly of me. Also, I'm used to her now and I don't really want to do my entire story with another therapist. There's also the fact that I still go to college, so school pays about 90% of the therapist expenses, and my college career is nearly over and I won't have time to go to therapy in secret anyway.

-- Sat Jul 28, 2012 6:36 pm --

luongiepie wrote:the most anger i think comes from thinking the other person is dealing with this separation so well and you are just struggling like hell. makes u feel like they don't care as much as you do. you think, why are they able to move on quicker than you, you just CAN'T feel that way, it just created rage and sadness, and you stay in the loop you have been in, stay occupied.

That's exactly it. I was beating myself up over being so needy and dependent. But then when her parents said she had to cut all ties with me, she said she was sad but she seemed so fine. She didn't even try to convince them. I had to talk to her for an entire day before she did. And now, being away from me, she was so fine and happy and I can't understand that, because I'm never happy when I'm away from her. It's like I'm nothing to her, just something to occupy herself with if she happens to have the time. I feel so worthless and empty and nothing, but when I'm with her is also the only time I'm happy. Without her, I can't get out of bed or eat or stop crying.

i am the same way, when my significant other left to hang out with other people. i felt so effin' bailed on, i felt like, um, i never left you and chose someone else. it just ticked me off. it still does and i like, you, have a very hard time controlling it. i too, felt like he was not going to come back, that he would just realize he didn't want this life with me and could find something better. and take a jet plane and never come back.

but time after time he did come back, but it wasn't enough for me and i kept pushing and pushing and pushing for more more more. and quite frankly. i think THAT was the REAL reason why he left.

if you think about it, we do demand alot. we would LOVE if the person was there 24/7 with us and when they want space it seems like they don't love us as much, lack of attention maybe.

you have to control certain things like the superhero thing. it;s the low self esteem that plays a big part in that. i am the same way if my significant other liked lets say, a certain rapper, movie, actor, it would piss me off and i would tell him why, huh, i don't get it. and if he couldn't give me a legit answer. i would call him stupid or something mean. like, who the hell likes that, thats just effin' dumb. and laugh. which is really screwed up the more i think of it. but at the time, it just annoyed me and i didn't care.

the part of a relationship is being able to talk to the other person freely, but what they don't get is we have triggers, but what we don't get is, that their life consist of other things besides us.

the question is, are you OKAY with her being just a FRIEND, because being just a FRIEND is completely different from being in a relationship, you aren't ganna be together all the time, can you do it? it is very painful to keep someone you love so much as a friend, i told my significant other i could not do it. either it was relationship or nothing. because it would hurt too much and he agreed.

i did promise to work on my triggers, it is hella painful holding things in but you have to talk to yourself (as crazy as it sounds) and tell yourself, is this worth raging about or is this person in front of me worth controlling it. it is unbearable at first but you will get the hang of it. and if it is something that REALLY REALLY bothers you and you NEED them to know, WAIT for a time when you are CALM, to do so, you can also email her instead.

also you should talk to her to see if she is ABLE TO do this, because if she isn't. you might have to let her go. her giving you bunch of excuses is wrong on her part. she needs to be straight up and give you 1 LEGIT answer.

i know what you mean about saying things on your mind and unable to do so really ticks you off. and trust me, you CAN DO IT. i believing coming on here talking to people helps. i know that overwhelming feeling of not being able to tell the other person what is going through your mind, but if all that comes out is RAGE, is it really worth it in the end. she will just be more pissed and you will be more hurt + angry. i know it seems like its impossible but the more you WORK on it, the better it will get. please try writing things out on paper, at first you will get so much rage your pen will probably just rip through that paper but eventually you will be able to express yourself on paper and read over and realize how angry you come off and how it may scare her, and you might even scare yourself. but the more you realize the things you have to fix, the faster you will find yourself in the right direction.

you're therapist doesn't seem to be much help, but only you can make the shots whether you want another therapist or not.

best of luck.

-- Sat Jul 28, 2012 10:02 am --

That's exactly it. I was beating myself up over being so needy and dependent. But then when her parents said she had to cut all ties with me, she said she was sad but she seemed so fine. She didn't even try to convince them. I had to talk to her for an entire day before she did. And now, being away from me, she was so fine and happy and I can't understand that, because I'm never happy when I'm away from her. It's like I'm nothing to her, just something to occupy herself with if she happens to have the time. I feel so worthless and empty and nothing, but when I'm with her is also the only time I'm happy. Without her, I can't get out of bed or eat or stop crying.

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i understand, i hate myself for being needy and dependent too. because i was not that way before i got in a relationship. i understand the feeling of someone saying they care but when there is separation they seem to be able to deal with it in such a fine manner. it just makes your stomach churn doesn't it. but you do have to understand we have a disorder. the way we react is alittle over the top. it's the fact that we feel like a BURDEN is what really hurts. but the truth is, we do have to find other outlets, i bet she works and has family she can talk too right? i grew up in a household where i couldn't really talk to my parents about anything, so my outlet was never this house. but i am always stuck here so i just make myself more miserable. she is probably sad too but its much easier for her to find an outlet, either it be from work / family. it is much harder for us to find outlets because our emotions are sky high. try to get out of bed, excercise, cook breakfast, make coffee. take little steps. they really do help.

Hm... I have tried thinking about a life without her, and even experienced it for a few months, and I never want that again. I want to keep her as a friend because it's better than not having her at all, and I keep hoping to maybe I can make her see that I can make her happy.

I've told her about triggers, but she has a history of mental health issues herself and has recently been diagnosed with autism, and then she just says things like "we both have too many issues, but maybe we should let go". But we've been friends for seven years, I can't just let her go. I don't have anyone else and I love her and I don't care if she has mental health problems or not - if she does, I'll just learn about them so I can deal with it. But then she doesn't seem to feel that way about me. It scares me how willing she is to leave me. Like maybe she doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I saw her earlier today, and then I had to go home for dinner, but she'd be back. I had dinner about two hours ago and she's not back, and now I'm so worried she won't be back. Like she'll have changed her mind about me. I want to text her to ask her, but I don't want to annoy her either. She always thinks I'm trying to control her by asking her where she's going and when she's coming back, but I just need to know she's going to come back.

I realise she does a lot for me. I realise we spend a lot of time together, but like you said - it feels like being with her 24/7 isn't enough. I keep wanting more. She always says she loves me, but I can never feel it. And every little thing she does is like proof that she doesn't love me at all and she's lying to me. I know she cares more about her other friends, even though her other friend is a complete bitch.

If she likes things I can't stand, I do that too. I do it with my sister too. I make fun of it and I keep saying how very unintelligent you must be to like that and everything. I know it hurts them but it's like I don't care, I just need to pick that fight so they can see how wrong they are. It's not that I want everyone to have the same opinion about everything, but I get so angry when my loved ones make those choices I can't understand.

you are alot like me! i think we just like being in complete control. because if we are in complete control things will always go the way we want. when my significant moved out and did his own thing, like work and talk to his friends. it was hard on me. I NO LONNGER had control. if i was there with him 24/7 i would know what he was doing, every second of the day.

and quite frankly. thats how i wanted it, at the same time, i also know how wrong it was. but i could NOT help it. i just wanted to know EVERYTHING every damn detail.

my significant always told me he loved me but like you, i didn't feel it most of the time, i realized it was because i was busy picking at the crap i didn't like. like when he said something i didn't like, i would mock him and make him feel dumb and i didn't give a damn. i just shrugged it off like, YUP, deal with it, sucker. nothing he did WAS ENOUGH FOR ME, and i mean, NOTHING. he could sit there and tell me and loved me everyday and night and i would still say, I DONT FEEL IT. i love you so much, AND YOU NEVER GIVE A F*CK.

i believe we just like being in control. if they like things we don't like and arent in control of it pisses us off, like its another reason for them to push away from us, liking things we don't like, talking about things we don't like.

you know some of your flaws, the best thing you can do is realize and work on it. don't let it get to the breaking point until you do something about it like i did. things only get worse if you don't sit down and try to change them.

every step, even the little steps, are still steps. it's okay to text her and say, hey, still coming back? but don't get mad and in a rage. and when you feel like you are going too, turn off your phone. fighting over text sucks. and can drive a person crazy.

-- Sat Jul 28, 2012 10:19 am --

you guys ever thought about going to counseling together?

The thing with her and I is that neither of us really remembers how we met. If you write a list, there isn't *that* much we really have in common. But then it feels like everything we have in common, she either "outgrows" or "lost interest in" or "isn't that into" anymore. It makes me feel like she's purposefully stopping to like things we share, taking away all that we share. Like she doesn't want to share anything with me. I know it's irrational and probably a coincidence, but I don't feel that.

At this point, I prefer not to know what she's doing, because then I have to hear about her friends and how awesome they are, and how her complete *beep* of a colleague keeps getting nicknames for her that don't make sense and aren't even nicknames but just nouns that don't even have anything to do with her. Every colleague she likes, I instantly dislike and feel threatened by.

In an ideal world, her and I would live on an island all alone. And I'm starting to think maybe I'd get jealous of the shellfish then, or something. I don't like being jealous and needy and dependent - being so angry and insecure and explosive is really very exhausting, but it's like she doesn't get that.

I texted her about ten minutes ago asking her to bring something when she gets back, but she hasn't replied, so now I'm in full paranoia and trying to type it off here. And my therapist said - if she's come back for seven years, it means she cares, but somehow I still don't believe it. Of course it doesn't help that my friend has left in the past.

I love her so much, she means the world to me, and I know she loves me but I feel like just another friend to her. Just some guy who happens to be there.

have you tried talking to her about the interest stuff? like why she doesn't like certain things anymore? because people do change and those interest they had and things they once loved, they kinda get over with age and it probably has nothing to do with pushing you away by eliminating those interest.

i know what you mean, before her did you have any other friends you hung out with? or did you just lose interest and focus on her as the center of your world. because i know thats what i did, i centered my world around my significant and deserted all my friends. so now when my significant needs space. i don't know what to do with my time, i have NO interest in hanging with friends, just HIM. do you go to school, work etc?

my ideal world, would be the same as yours too, haha. ironically. our ideal worlds may come off to us as, us loving the person so much we just want them all for ourselves we just want them, and them only but to them/others it is a bit obsessive.

if texting her gives you paranoia, i advise you not to text her. or you can text her, then turn your phone off for like an hour, and check back if there is no response, then keep it turned off for alittle more. because when people take awhile to respond, my paranoia kicks in too. and it's not nice because it gives me all these crap scenarios that will never happen but for some reason still give me alot of anxiety and make me want to kick myself in the face.

does she have alot of guy friends? you shouldn't feel that way because you have to sit there and think of all the crap you BOTH went through, really though, think of the bad times, then the really bad times... and you're both still here, any normal guy/girl would be running as far as they could. only someone who loves you would stay and endure. sometimes they need space but they will endure, because deep down they still want it to work. they just get so overwhelmed.

which is not surprising.