Where do you get your motivation from?

Hi there! This is my first time posting, but I've been lurking around the Cluster B boards for a while. I've struggled with my mental health from a pretty young age because of my OCD, but it's only recently that I've realized the hole I've dug for myself because of my mood swings, my impuslive and compulsive behavior, my rage, etc. Feeling like a terrible person my whole life has kind of been a self-fulfilling prophecy for me...and it's problematic for both myself and my loved ones.

I haven't been formally diagnosed with BPD, but my most recent counselor and at least one of the pyschs I've seen have brought it up as my actions/motivations 'sounding borderline' and in notes that I got to take a look at. I'd say that I have some HPDish or NPDish flavors in my personality too, but I dunno. I can never tell if it's my reason or OCD talking with regards to that, so eh. We all have a few traits from dem checklists, right? I just really, really like attention and peoples' approval---and fantasizing about being a rockstar-novelist-knight in shining armor.

My question is this: where do you find your motivation to change? I know that I don't have much of a choice but to improve upon my situation because I imagine that I'll self-destruct, fail out of college, or attempt suicide again otherwise...but it just seems so freakin hopeless, especially with my OCD trying to trick me into believing I'm a monster, so why the heck would I want to do anything but hide out in my room anyways? Not only that, but functioning outside of drama just sounds so...boring. Between my scary violent/sexual OCD thoughts and my feeling of being evil/bad, I feel like I've all ready lost the battle. It's stressful because my loved ones are rooting for me but I kinda just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I'm just waiting to reach my future and then all of them find out what a terrible person I am and then they'll all leave me. Structure, removing 'fun things from my life (what, no porn and drugs? WHAT?), coping with my anger instead of lashing out, feeling things that suck that I had previously blocked off, not putting my issues on others, not making everything personal, and less drama? DSFKLSDFDSKLDS. That's like 85% of my life, broskis!

I don't know what everyones' indivdual battles have been, but I imagine they all have been pretty darn difficult. Where did you find the resolve to tackle something that's so unplesant? How have you all tackled feelings of hopelessness? And where do you find the resolve to go on with life, because I personally only find relief in instant gratification---unhealthy dinners, smoking, spending money I don't really have on spontaneous trips, or in other people (which is always transient, because they may love me now but the next day I'm absolutely SURE they either hate me or don't like me as much or they're going to!) Long-term things like graduation and accomplishing goals just don't do it for me, ya know? I just feel like I don't deserve those things and I BSed my way through. I could be a Nobel Peace Prize winner and I'd still think I suck deep down. So how do you all push through? What are you doing to achieve some semblance of peace in your life? What has been the hardest part(s) of your recovery experience? And what makes the effort worth it?

And a random question: what's your spirit animal and/or fictional character or random household appliance or whatever the heck resonates with you?

Anyways, yes. Hi!

my motivation comes from recognizing how i hurt and ruined other peoples lives due to my behavior. and not wanting to go to prison or jail.

What motivated me to take this on was my best friend telling me she'd never leave me, but that I needed to get help. No one has ever said that they'd never leave....and it's still hard for me to believe. To me, the space we have between us right now is equivalent to leaving. The thing is, though, I know her really well...at least, I THINK so. I don't think she's lying. She's already stayed for more than a year, which is more than I can say for some of the other people I've idolized and who have fallen victim to my behavior. I just have to believe that. It sucks though. I kinda wanna run away from it all sometimes.

That and Paris really motivates me. I just gotta go there. The sooner I tackle this, the sooner my life can really begin. At least, I hope.

It sounds simplistic, but basically I just want a better life for myself.

I find the shittiness of past relationships pretty motivating coz I don't wanna keep going through the same #######5 experience over and over, not to mention putting other people that I care about through it over and over.

things like school I've never had any motivation for. I don't really understand what drives people to do stuff like that.

what drove me specifically to start working on myself and treat myself better and get on the road to recovery was ######6 up so bad for a whole year until finally I did something I felt so bad about that I was able to step back and look at what I'd made my life into and realize that I was truly going to lose someone I really cared about and felt I needed if I didn't do something, make some serious changes. I was terrified enough of losing them and ashamed enough of myself that it was pretty easy to kick myself in the ass and get myself straightened out.

right now I'm lucky enough to have a couple of people in my life who for whatever reason, genuinely think really highly of me, and it makes me feel so wonderful because they're such truly beautiful people that the thought of disappointing them is simply too much to ponder and so I work my ass off to be a better person for them and so that I can keep enjoying them the way I've been given the opportunity to. spending time with these people brings peace and contentment to my life, so does having recently taken up a few hobbies that I'm pretty stoked on. I'm not sure what the hardest part's been, probably trying out meds and having some bad experiences there.

what makes it all worth it is seeing all the positive things I have in my life right now that I'm sure wouldn't be there otherwise: those certain people, the hobbies, and the ability to see the world as beautiful as a result of those things and people. it's worth it times a million.

I'm really not sure how to answer your last question lol

the other me wrote:my motivation comes from recognizing how i hurt and ruined other peoples lives due to my behavior. and not wanting to go to prison or jail.

All very good reasons. It seems like the things that are really motivating you are situations that you're trying to prevent. Do you have anything you're wanting to attain as you get futher along in your journey?

evgoddess wrote:What motivated me to take this on was my best friend telling me she'd never leave me, but that I needed to get help. No one has ever said that they'd never leave....and it's still hard for me to believe ...

That and Paris really motivates me. I just gotta go there. The sooner I tackle this, the sooner my life can really begin. At least, I hope.

Ooooh, Paris! Can you speak French? All that wine and food and art sounds fabulous! And your friend sounds like a really positive person to have in your life. I hope everything works out between you and her--the way it sounds, she seems like someone who'll stick, especially since she cares enough to suggest help. And boy, I get wanting to run away from it all! That's my go-to response to everything, which may be why I've been playing World of Warcraft all day.

jamberrypie wrote:It sounds simplistic, but basically I just want a better life for myself.

Simple answers are sometimes the best ones.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:I find the shittiness of past relationships pretty motivating coz I don't wanna keep going through the same #######5 experience over and over, not to mention putting other people that I care about through it over and over.

things like school I've never had any motivation for. I don't really understand what drives people to do stuff like that.

what drove me specifically to start working on myself and treat myself better and get on the road to recovery was ######6 up so bad for a whole year until finally I did something I felt so bad about that I was able to step back and look at what I'd made my life into and realize that I was truly going to lose someone I really cared about and felt I needed if I didn't do something, make some serious changes. I was terrified enough of losing them and ashamed enough of myself that it was pretty easy to kick myself in the ass and get myself straightened out.

right now I'm lucky enough to have a couple of people in my life who for whatever reason, genuinely think really highly of me, and it makes me feel so wonderful because they're such truly beautiful people that the thought of disappointing them is simply too much to ponder and so I work my ass off to be a better person for them and so that I can keep enjoying them the way I've been given the opportunity to. spending time with these people brings peace and contentment to my life, so does having recently taken up a few hobbies that I'm pretty stoked on. I'm not sure what the hardest part's been, probably trying out meds and having some bad experiences there.

what makes it all worth it is seeing all the positive things I have in my life right now that I'm sure wouldn't be there otherwise: those certain people, the hobbies, and the ability to see the world as beautiful as a result of those things and people. it's worth it times a million.

I'm really not sure how to answer your last question lol

The first paragraph is probably the one I relate to the most. I don't really like myself very much, but I do like my family and friends. I've been really selfish in my relationships and have dragged them into my drama and caused a lot of stress. I'm glad that you have such awesome people in your life. Your answer is really inspiring to me-it's really postive, and I hope that one day I can answer in the same way. It sounds like you're really enjoying and appreciating your life right now, and that's really cool.

Thanks for all of your answers, guys.

I think that my motivation right now are three things: 1. I want to find a way to like myself, and I hope that working through some of this will help me respect myself/be proud of myself. Something like that. 2. I'd like to be less of a dbag to my friends and family, who have been more than giving. I owe it to them and I want to be better to them. 3. I've never been able to have a romantic relationship. That's where my big freakouts happen. So I'd like to see where working on recovery takes me.

hittheswitch wrote:

the other me wrote:my motivation comes from recognizing how i hurt and ruined other peoples lives due to my behavior. and not wanting to go to prison or jail.

All very good reasons. It seems like the things that are really motivating you are situations that you're trying to prevent. Do you have anything you're wanting to attain as you get futher along in your journey?

I think what i would like is never going to be within my grasp. So until a brain transplant i'll just keep working on being a better person.

What motivates me is that I'm not happy. I'm not living my life the way I planned and my thinking is messed up. My relationships are problematic. Luckily I'm with a good guy at the moment but I am very vulnerable to being used or abused. I have suicidal ideation and I don't want to kill myself without actually living my life. I also have anxiety that hampers me greatly.

What especially motivates me is I'm just getting worse without professional help and I'm scared to see how far that can lead. I'm very maternal and I want to be a mother one day, but I want to be healthy enough to take care of my children and make the right choice regarding when to have them and with who.

the other me wrote:my motivation comes from recognizing how i hurt and ruined other peoples lives due to my behavior. and not wanting to go to prison or jail.

This is my motivation. Not to mention, how I screwed up my own life.
I persevere inspite of myself.

The thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis? I belong in the ASPD forum.
I love mob and horror movies. Probably an outlet for my sick thoughts.
I am predisposed to going off the deep end. And I do lash out.
DO NOT want to cross a line and go to jail.

Great motivator for getting help and keeping on the right path.