What happens if abandonment does happen?

I've read that fear of abandonment is a symptom. I understand that, my parents were never there for me emotionally so that's easy for me to understand. At some point, though, a guy came into my life. He was always there for me except for a brief interlude. He was my therapist, best friend, and biggest cheerleader. We became more than platonic friends after a while. We knew there was going to be a hard stop to our relationship and it has happened. We finally skyped today and I'm crying a lot more than usual tonight. I miss him a lot, but I also miss that there was someone out there, who cared about me and would "protect" me (ha, my parents have no problem saying outright sometimes that they don't give a rat's ass about me). I feel like I don't know if I can move on without him, even though I know I was up until our skype chat a couple of hours ago. I'm forging ahead, working on new friendships and strengthening old. But I just want to be in his arms and feel safe. Anyone else feel that way? how do borderline's cope with losing a best friend? I need him so badly.

I understand how you feel. Abandonment is my biggest, most prevalent symptom. It is the symptom that sets the other ones off. I also lost a friend just like you. We have a big space between us because of what I have put her through the last two years. My emotions were put all on her and she was my therapist. While she was around, I was okay....and when she left, saying she was still my friend but not my rock anymore, I lost it. I, too, just wanted to be with her, have her act like she used to when we were close. I knew it couldn't happen, but that didn't change that I needed it. My parents were also not there for me. We just have to believe that we will make it through. We have to trust our therapists and/or support groups. You're not alone -- I may not have an answer, but I understand exactly how you feel, as I think others reading this will, too. :hugs: <3

theexit wrote:I've read that fear of abandonment is a symptom. I understand that, my parents were never there for me emotionally so that's easy for me to understand. At some point, though, a guy came into my life. He was always there for me except for a brief interlude. He was my therapist, best friend, and biggest cheerleader. We became more than platonic friends after a while. We knew there was going to be a hard stop to our relationship and it has happened. We finally skyped today and I'm crying a lot more than usual tonight. I miss him a lot, but I also miss that there was someone out there, who cared about me and would "protect" me (ha, my parents have no problem saying outright sometimes that they don't give a rat's ass about me). I feel like I don't know if I can move on without him, even though I know I was up until our skype chat a couple of hours ago. I'm forging ahead, working on new friendships and strengthening old. But I just want to be in his arms and feel safe. Anyone else feel that way? how do borderline's cope with losing a best friend? I need him so badly.

Hi Exit,
I believe the reason those with BPD fear abandonment, has much less to do with others then it has to do with abandoning ones self.

Other people act as a mirror for us. Basically all they do is hold up a mirror of approval or disapproval for us regarding our ACTIONS and if we talk to them...our thoughts.
Its about judgement.

When people praise you- they are judging that you are good.
When they criticise- they are judging you are bad.

The problem with this is the degree of VALUE we place upon their assessment of WHO we are.

Those with BPD place a HUGE amount of value on the opinions others hold about them.

What this means is that your self worth is not coming from you. Its coming from them.

You might say....so what? Whats that matter?

It matters a great deal.

When a child comes into the world the first thing they do is cry.

Why?

Cause they want something. If they are cold, they want to be warm again.
If they are hungry, they want to be fed.
If they are afraid, they want to be comforted.

An infant doesnt say to themselves, " well maybe I should not cry because if I do I might make someone angry at me and then I wont get anything." ( the inference here is someone is more important then me so I should ignore myself and what I need)
or an infant doesnt say to themselves, "well I am hungry but someone else might be smarter then me or need something before I do, so let me just sit here and when someone else thinks I deserve to be fed then I will be." ( again the inference here would be...someone else is worth more then I am worth)

Infants are tiny. But they come into the world with a sense of EQUALITY or perhaps even a sense of entitlement, I am HERE and I deserve to have what I need to be comfortable being here.

What I am saying is......you had no mirror when you were born. There was no one to tell you , that you werent as good or as deserving as anyone else. All you had was yourself and you KNEW your own worth enough to know, that whatever you needed....you should have it, you , in fact had a right to have it, just be virtue of your existance.

THIS is the self you abandoned.

THIS child didnt need anyone elses approval or validation for their existance or to get their needs met. THIS child KNEW their worth innately. If they didnt. They would have never cried in the first place.

A cry indicates a need.

A need indicates something of value needs to be sustained or appeased.

That valued thing...was you!

When a parent meets the need.

The parent is agreeing with the child.

Infant cries ( I need a new diaper- I deserve to be taken care of because I have worth!)
Parent complies ( this is just agreement- yes you are valued and you have worth_

Infant cries- ( I need food- because I have worth)
Parent complies- ( I agree)

Every time an infant cries they are saying I deserve this thing I am asking for because I have value.
And every time a parent complies - the parent is saying....I agree - you have value to me too.

If a parent DOESNT comply.
Then the child is saying I have value and worth.
But the parent is saying.....no you dont.

Not only is the parent SAYING this.....but the parent is demonstrating it with their action or inaction.

Here is the bottom line.
Other people will never be able to give you the value you need constantly.
Other people first of all, dont have enough information to assign a value to you.
Your value can only be determined by you, because you are the only one with all the information you need to judge your life as a whole. Your value as a human being.

Others will ALWAYS come in and out of your life. And if you look to them for your self worth...believing that they are somehow better then you.....smarter then you.....somehow have more information then you have in being able to judge your life.....then when someone is in your life you will feel good and when they leave you will feel bad.

Other people also have no right to judge you or to assign you a value as a human being.
Only someone MORE valued then you could do this. And since no one knows anyone elses life as a whole, then it means no one can ever accurately judge anyone else. That means we are all equal.

Hope this is making sense.....

Basically how I see it is this.....

Everyone on the face of the earth could tell you, you are a great person. I think you are so fair and honest and wonderful! And it will not do you a bit of good, unless you believe it yourself.

The only persons opinion that really matters is our own.

At the end of the day....its how you judge yourself that matters.

Judging yourself to be not as good as others IS abandonment.

But its not THEM abandoning you. Its that you have abandoned yourself.

How how how??

By not continuing to demand what you need. By AGREEING with the NEGATIVE or judgmental mirror that others have held up.

If a mother doesnt feed a child enough times. She is saying over and over to the child....you dont deserve to eat....you arent worth being fed.
Is this true???

No
Who would say that is true?? Its a lie. But if its done to the child enough times and in enough circumstances and with enough ACTIONS to back up this mirror.....eventually the child will begin to doubt themselves.... " well maybe I dont have a right to ask for stuff....maybe I dont have a right to being treated fairly, honestly, equally......maybe everyone else is more worthy then me."

Its a lie its a lie its a lie a person can begin to tell themselves. Its a lie that can become so ingrained that it begins to FEEL true. Its a lie one can tell themselves and its a lie one can come to believe as sure as one might believe that snow is cold.

How u change that?

Thats another post. But I think assertiveness is a good place to start. And also knowing and living ones values....thiings like honesty, loyalty, or fairness.

When you live your values.....for example lets say you dont lie. Every time you dont lie...you are sending yourself a message. I am good. I have value. I did not lie.

This is how you invest in yourself. This is how you remain LOYAL to yourself. This is how you dont ABANDON yourself. If you do it with everything you value...then your investment in you grows.....your value grows. Your belief in you grows. Your good judgement of you grows. No one can take that away unless you allow it.

You also invest in you by demanding that others respect your values. Demanding to be treated with honesty, loyalty, ect....
You demand it, because you deserve it as much as anyone else.

When you invest in you enough. Then not only will you NOT feel abandoned anymore.....but you will be throwing people OUT of your life who do not acknowledge your value and worth.

The only opinion that matters about who you are and what you are worth ...is your own.
If you keep looking to others for approval.....its a fruitless task.... because others can only judge in the moment...they can only judge based on the information they have, and they can only judge your actions. None of that is complete informationally speaking. Its not the WHOLE truth of who you are.

You are the only one with that much information.

One more thing I would like to add...

You have to be willing to disappoint people in order to live your values.

You have to understand that just because someone WANTS something or askes for something from you.....it doesnt mean they SHOULD have it.

if you and I are on an island and we have one piece of bread left between us and I say....give me that bread.

You have a right to say no.

I am being quite unreasonable. I might even say...you are selfish. I am stronger then you...if you give me that bread I could go swim to shore and get us both help.


Thats all fine and good unless the shore is 80 miles away.

You have a right to judge the entire circumstance in your own way. You have a right to determine what is right for you. You have a right to disagree with someone elses perception. You have a right to be considered equally.

If you say no......you might disappointment. But if you say yes because when you do , you will get praise. But then you give them all the bread and they drown swimming to shore.....then you will have wished you listened to yourself .
Because maybe INSIDE you were thinkin....no...this isnt fair. Maybe sharing my piece of bread is fair.....but what this person is asking isnt fair.

If FAIRNESS is your value. It means you are EQUAL to others. Not less then.

So you might disappoint the selfish bastard who wanted all your bread by saying no. You might lose his approval in the short term.

But if you go with what your heart tells you and divide your bread and honor your fairness value.

Then even if you die on the island.....you will die knowing you did what was fair to you both.
And you will die having protected him from the guilt of knowing he died with a full belly and you died in pain.

ummmm or something like this.

Living your values tests other people. Its a love test.
A lot of times its about fairness.

Fairness is the ONE value that imparts EQUALITY.

Whenever you are fair...you are saying I am worth as much as you!
I deserve EQUAL consideration
I deserve EQUAL benefit
I deserve to have my perspective know and considered

Short term disapproval is common when living ones values.
But long term success and approval is the outcome more often then not if you live your values.