How to get her to come back?

Hi to everyone in the forum. I've been in a relationship with a female BPD for a few months and it's very recent that I've found out about her condition. She's practically disappeared for 2 weeks, after experiencing an intimate moment in between us and told me that she couldn't tolerate me.

It does look like she's very scared of intimacy. I would like to know the best options available for me right now. Do I try to create boundaries and let her know the next time she runs away for 2 weeks, we're over? Do I try to make her feel comfortable and let go off intimacy? It strongly seems to me that I'm at the last or beginning stages of the borderline " splitting " - where the partner is devalued.

Does staying silent and taking no actions work? I'd like to know the perspective of the BPD's and understand why they'd run away. Triggers? Silent treatment that is intended to punish? What helps in this situation?

Hi there, have you been together before or was this the first time? I feel personally if I spend too much time with someone I've slept with, I start to feel trapped, that I need to run away and start to hate them. I think it's important to give her space and not chase after her. I usually come to my senses after a while of no contact and trying to sort out what happened in my head. The running away for me is caused by the trigger of being too close with someone and then having this self preserving thing kick in where I need to prove to myself I'm not reliant on anyone, can be and survive on my own.

Of course don't give her the space without warning though as she'll feel abandoned. It's important you tell her you are not leaving but you want to give her the space she needs, when she needs it and that you are around when she wants to spend time together again. It's also important for you to take that time too to do things you like without her. I can imagine it must be difficult knowing what to do. I Definately would not tell her it's over if she does it again! That's if you care about her.

Also keep communicating about what's happening, tell her you realise that's he's needing space, that you are there for her if she needs to talk.

As for the intimacy, I can only be intimate again when I've had the space, come back to whoever I'm with and then a few more days. I think everyone might be different in this respect based upon their own sexual history.

Good luck with it all.

i h8 you
don't leave me
(it's a book 2 or several dunno)

very borderline
give here some space tell here you will be there for here if she wants you and that she's wurth the wait.
(ther's a chanse you'll still have to make the "1st" move)
tell here that you are as scared as she is
some childhood trauma thing
but if she needs space give it to here
if you keep pushing she will "break"
borderline relationships are hard and somtimes dify logic
takes a lot more time to get someone like to trust you and than it's still hard
just let here know you are all right with here needing some space

arfin25 wrote:Hi to everyone in the forum. I've been in a relationship with a female BPD for a few months and it's very recent that I've found out about her condition. She's practically disappeared for 2 weeks, after experiencing an intimate moment in between us and told me that she couldn't tolerate me.

been there, done that. the moment i get triggered, i react and usually catapult myself into bpdfreakoutmode.

It does look like she's very scared of intimacy.

i would go ahead and take that one to the bank. has she ever shared with you anything from her past that might allude to why?

I would like to know the best options available for me right now. Do I try to create boundaries and let her know the next time she runs away for 2 weeks, we're over? Do I try to make her feel comfortable and let go off intimacy? It strongly seems to me that I'm at the last or beginning stages of the borderline " splitting " - where the partner is devalued.

here's a 3rd and different point of view...creating boundaries with someone in a relationship shouldn't be done when they're triggered!!! you telling her you will abandon her the next time she's triggered is like telling her you don't care enough about her to stick around when she's going through a rough time. and there are no 'stages' of splitting. it can happen anytime, anywhere...and can flip right back in seconds. you can't control it; we can't either.

Does staying silent and taking no actions work? I'd like to know the perspective of the BPD's and understand why they'd run away. Triggers? Silent treatment that is intended to punish? What helps in this situation?

1) NO, it doesn't. for me it says you don't care. we need consistency and validation like water. i'm dealing with trying to be friends with an ex and when i text him and he doesn't respond to something i feel i should be validated on, i split him immediately. and he freaking is BPD!

2) we run away from triggers because we don't want to face them! they're triggering - it's like reliving it all over again. we have to step back and deal with them the safest way possible and that's usually alone until we can put ourselves back together.

3) the silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive behavior. don't test pwBPD with that crap. we are the mayor of that crap.

4) read up on some things...get a book or 2 on relationships with pwBPD. xabilis mentioned i hate you, don't leave me, there's also walking on eggshells. if you want to make it work, she'll think the world of you for going above and beyond to empathize and be able to understand her condition better.

btw, how are things going?

3) the silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive behavior. don't test pwBPD with that crap. we are the mayor of that crap.

Funny! (Cos it's true!)

Xabilis, wineaux, cacster, winterblue, many thanks to you all for replying to my message. She's still undiagnosed. She's still quite silent but she hasn't completely cut me out of her life yet. For instance, though she's silent, she's indirectly communicating with me by public sharing a poster on Facebook about how she wants people not to get mad at her for pushing away because she cares too much.

I've noticed that after our last discussion (where I lost my cool when she was sabotaging our relationship due to her fears) where I've confronted her directly about the possibility of her being abused in her childhood, she's done the "disappearing act", by leaving home and meeting her sister in a dorm and then traveling to a tourist destination. I had doubts about her possible BPD or the strength of her underlying issue. I don't anymore. She said she couldn't tolerate me before the act.

Now, I'd like to know how long is the standard disappearing act time period typically? Secondly, I'd like to ask other BPD's about triggers. She's involving herself with advocacy groups focusing on children, sexual abuse of women etc. I think whether good or bad, these pictures and things are working as triggers for her again and again. She's planning to "big" things but in reality she's already changed 4 jobs for the same designation and has failed in her Ms 1st year studies. I'll be sending her a message following the DEAR MAN technique and if she doesn't reply, move on. It's very difficult to do the dramma with 15 day communication gaps. I'd be really happy if anyone told me that they undertook therapy / DBT and successfully reduced the disappearing act duration to 2-3 days or none at all. Thanks for reading.

I think the best thing you can do is simply ask her what she wants. The period of staying away really different for everyone. Triggers are very personal as well. In my experience, they're more than childhood traumas, abuse, etc. For me, it can be a word, or a look, or the absence of one. It can be simple bad luck. But it's all very hard to tell without her perspective, ofc.

For me, triggers vary. One of the big ones is abandonment. You may want to just give her space. If you do the "if you don't respond it's over" thing, it may trigger the abandonment thing. She might just need time to think. Like Alexander said, sometimes a trigger can be small. A look, someone's tone of voice, not enough attention (even though that may sound weird, it's how my mind works) It seems like you care about her, or else you wouldn't be asking around here. The "disappearing act" varies from person to person. Just give her some space. She may come around.

I hope this helped...

- Jesse

Hi everybody thanks for the sincere replies. I'm actually on the verge of giving up since even the SET techniques aren't really working. She's extremely negativistic and cynical about our relationship together. Lately, I've been trying to make our relationship status "official" - at which she seems to feel "scared" and express the feeling as a "rigid position" and reply with catastrophising ideas that are sabotaging.

Good news: she's come back from a 14 day disappearing act (incurred after I've confronted her about her issues), finally have visited a doctor, and received anti-depressants and sleeping pills (after my pleading).

Bad news: I couldn't take the pressure / abuse anymore, confronted her directly on Facebook about her hurtful comments, manipulative behaviour and deleted her - reacting to her sabotaging behaviour about a relationship. She's replied by splitting / blocking me, going no communication again, telling me she's been in a "rebound" relationship for the past few months, and ending it with a positive dialogue.

I've told her sister to arrange to see a psychotherapist. I've made a lot of sacrifices in terms of my career, time, and money and it seems that I haven't been able to make her understand how I feel about quite a few things. I've actually been scarred from this fruitless 5 month long wait and sometimes I only feel intense anger and I hyperventilate.

I've generally maintained an accommodating attitude for the last 6 months in establishing my boundaries (and about 60% of the boundaries seem to get respect from her) but now it's wearing me down. Which path should I take to make it work with her?

A. I can either continue to confront her directly and pressure her to seek a therapist's intervention (that's the real thing actually, as once she gets an insight into her thought patterns from a psychotherapist, she'll understand me better).

B. I move on with my life, completely ignore her.

C. Hope that she'll come around.

I don't have a good idea about what works and what doesn't work during splitting black...so your views would be greatly appreciated. Intervention would be too (if that's known to work).

cacster wrote:3) the silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive behavior. don't test pwBPD with that crap. we are the mayor of that crap.


Funny! (Cos it's true!)

I laughed too when I read that.

Best to you Arfin.