A confession/looking for answers, advice

I have been holding back on posting this for a while because it makes me seem like a horrible person. I really just need to see if anyone understands this.

I am not sure why - I actually haven't gotten any clues (digging through my files of memory), but I dislike and sometimes hate women and girls.

I have one female friend, but other than that, I have kept women on a short leash. Girls - even little girls - are so annoying to me that I can't even look them in the face when they are talking.

I don't know why. The women thing I can deal with. Who cares if I like others or not. It's the little girl thing. One of my friends had a daughter and I thought she was the most annoying thing in the world. I never liked any of my female cousins. Now I have a step-daughter, and I do not mistreat her, but I feel so weird about her. IDK if I think she is going to try to hurt me or if she is threatening in anyway or what, but it is really bothering me. She is a beautiful, wonderful girl, but I am always one bad day away from hating her.

I feel like a monster saying this ... but I can't really fix this until I get to the bottom of it.

Does anyone else get these types of feelings toward specific groups of people ... or women or girls?

Please don't hate me because I wrote this. I'm trying to change this way of feeling, and I realize it isn't cool.

i've had a ton of bad experiences with women in the past and literally (at the age of 38) just let some back into my life a couple of years ago. of course, all of us have already broken up 3094934934830483948 times and gotten back together (just friends) because of the drama, but i've made some improvements on boundaries and such because of them. with men? hello no, but with women, yes.

however, i have a tendency to dislike those who are trying to emulate someone/thing else. i was at a restaurant the other day and there were these three girls looking at bridal books and acting very kardashianesque, grossly fake nails, tossing hair, inappropriate daytime hair and clothes, not using their inside voices, etc....THAT behavior grates on my nerves.

perhaps it's not really dislike but rather impatience for those who haven't found themselves and have to depend on today's society to be someone they're not to gain recognition/attention. it's not my place to judge/criticize, but i'm bad at not being able to stop myself

why do you think you do it?

I can't relate to what you're writing about, but I DON'T hate you. It's just your thing, your issue.. we all have them..

I wish I had more helpful advice... I just wanted to chime in and say you're not hated..

Heh, thanks cboxpalace ... needed, and noted.

wineaux - you are on to some really good stuff here.
Here are some things I've noticed:
1) Fakeness in any sense irritates the HELL out of me. Women tend to be fake in some situations. I used to HATE going to the bar with females because they would play that fake stupid girl thing where they thought guys would flock to them. It actually worked pretty well for them which made me hate men for a while.
2) That thing you said about impatience with people who are trying to find their identity may really be spot on. The most irritating aspect of women and girls is the fakeness and that thing where girls squeal or when girls act all coy to get attention. That makes me want to kill baby bunnies. What is so ironic about that is I don't even know who I am! Maybe that's where the irritation sets in - with girls - they are acting age-appropriate, they are trying to learn who they are, they are not being "fake," they are experimenting with ways to be. This leads into #3.
3) The behaviors in girls that get to me so much are behaviors I can relate with. For example, my step-daughter is IN LOVE with a boy band. Whenever she talks about them I want to just tell her to shut up (but I don't. I control myself because she's a kid). Sometimes I hate girls being girls without consequence. I was never really allowed to be a little girl. When I would squeal or be coy for my dad's attention, he would tell me how ridiculous I was being. He would explain to me that those behaviors annoyed him rather than made him love me more or something.

I think the bottom line is I'm jealous of girls. Most of them are trying to find themselves, and they are behaving like normal, good girls, and I was never rewarded for that, nor was that encouraged. Dang ... I would like to thank you, wineaux, because I just now figured this out. I feel a little better knowing, and I know now I can work on fixing my issue with girls.

i'm glad i could help!

Flo
If every time you tried to make an effort to be the girl you wanted to be your dad shut you down, then wouldnt that mean that whoever you are now....is fake?
We usually hate the most in others what we hate about ourselves.
That being said. I hate fake girls too. The coy act ect. And men who fall for it! God I could belt them! The thing is on the surface everyone acts to a degree. But everyone is also real to a degree.

Who a person really is is what they value.
The more you live what you value.....the more real and complete you feel.

If you value honesty for example. And you try to tell the truth as much as possible. You will feel good. In fact every chance you have to lie and you choose to be good anyway its like you are building yourself up inside. Building a self which is consistantly and always honest. It is a good that stays with you. Conversely..if you value honesty but lie....you will hate yourself more and more and also hate others who lie. Because while you still hold the value...you are betraying it by lying...going against yourself in a way.

With this girl ....maybe you have an opportunity for both of you. She is young and learning who she is...what her values are in a man. The teen idol is a fake thing. Good looks money talent girls fawning all over him. If you talked to her about what she would want from a guy inside....what qualities she would like, maybe that would make you feel better about her?? I dont know just a thought. But it would explore her values which are really internal as apposed to the external world which is quite fake and superficial.

Sharkmouse wrote:Flo
If every time you tried to make an effort to be the girl you wanted to be your dad shut you down, then wouldnt that mean that whoever you are now....is fake?
We usually hate the most in others what we hate about ourselves.

I am likely a fake person. Much of the time (depending on my mood) I am either being exactly what I perceive that others want me to be (that's me being a "good girl") and the other half of the time I am being antagonistic and being exactly what others hate (that's me being a "bad girl").

Unfortunately, I am 33 and I don't know who I really am. I have tried many methods of figuring that out - some mentioned in DBT, some in Lifetraps, some even in online quizes to list my values, what I believe in, who I am, etc. and I come up blank. I could answer a personality quiz one way today and a completely different way tomorrow.

That's one of my big "symptoms" if you want to call it that. Abandonment, fear, anger, and no sense of who I am.

That being said, I can definitely say I agree with statements like - what we hate in others is what we hate about ourselves, and who a person is is based on what they value. But when the things I "pick" to hate one day is different from the next and I change my values like I change my underwear, then I guess I'm just lost.

I have read that the best place to start in BPD therapy is figuring out who we are. The rest should all fit in better. It's like our brains are a disorganized office. And we don't even know where the office is located or what type of business it is. Once we find the office and figure out what we're "selling," we can start to compartmentalize our issues.

So - I think I'm starting to figure a lot of stuff out. It's really convoluted.

FloMac wrote:I am likely a fake person. Much of the time (depending on my mood) I am either being exactly what I perceive that others want me to be (that's me being a "good girl") and the other half of the time I am being antagonistic and being exactly what others hate (that's me being a "bad girl").

You dont have to try to be what others want you to be. That would be a huge burden to carry. Trying to make others happy all the time is an IMPOSSIBLE task. For one thing you would have to be a mindreader to know what everyones thoughts and feelings are, No one is a mindreader. But also,you are not qualified to make someone else happy. Let me explain... No one knows what I like or need or want better then me. No one knows the circumstances of my life better then me. That makes me the only one qualified to make me happy. If I focus on making you or anyone else happy....then I ignore me. When I ignore me. I cant be happy.....because I will not know what I think or feel or need for myself. I wont know because I will be too focused on trying to make someone else happy to learn about my own needs.

Unfortunately, I am 33 and I don't know who I really am. I have tried many methods of figuring that out - some mentioned in DBT, some in Lifetraps, some even in online quizes to list my values, what I believe in, who I am, etc. and I come up blank. I could answer a personality quiz one way today and a completely different way tomorrow.

Could it be that trying to please others for so long has caused a lot of confusion in you about what would truely be good for you or what would truely make you happy?? Lets say I am born with a value. I do not like to gamble my money. I think its bad. I lose more then win . This leaves me with no money. I need money to have some things I want and when I gamble I can never have them. So I think gambling is bad.

Now lets imagine my dad keeps telling me....gambling is good. Everytime he says it I get angry! But also every time he says it he takes me gambling and we have fun and he tells me he loves me and if I dont go he calls me names like stupid or a party poop and sometimes he ever punishes me by not letting me eat dinner. He is only nice when I do what he wants. When we come home after ....I feel bad again cause I am broke. Lets say I live many yrs like this.

And I keep trying to ignore my anger at having to gamble.
When I am older I have some friends who gamble and others who do not.

When I am with those who gamble ,I gamble ,but again....feel bad after. And I am afraid if I dont gamble these friends, who I love, will not like me, just like my dad.
When I am with those who dont gamble. I feel good and a little relieved cause they do not ask me to gamble.

To figure out who you are. You have to look at what makes you feel bad. I understand it varies. But it varies due to attention or approval. That is sortof getting in the way of seeing the real you. Getting loving attention or approval feels good....even if we are doing something we dont really want to do.

At the same time.....in order to get that approval we might be sacrificing a belief we hold. Here gambling feels bad. Gambling makes me feel bad. And not gambling makes me feel good. My value is gambling is bad. So this means every time I gamble ....I am telling myself I am bad inside. I am making a deposit in the SELF account saying I am bad. If I keep doing this....I will have a huge pile of I AM BAD in my head somewhere. That will make me depressed or anxious.

Getting love feels good. EVERYONE has this account. But if to be loved you have to gamble then it is not real love. Real love is unconditional. Meaning you should not have to sacrifice what you believe to be loved. REAL love means you are loved despite what you believe.

A person who truely loves you would not force you to gamble. They would respect your values and say its ok if you dont want to gamble. We can play cards together tomorrow instead.

At the same time. To love them in return. (maybe they have a lot of money and gambling doesnt effect them) You have to allow them to be them. Allow them to gamble and love them anyway.

Some values, like gambling, can be good or bad depending on who the person is. The thing is.....it doesnt really matter if gambling is good or bad for someone else. What matters to you is , is gambling good for me? Do I think gambling is good? because no one has to live with you but you. You have to be the one to decide what is good for you. No one else has a right to do that.

Also when you tell yourself gambling is bad. It is your personal value. To feel good ....you have to ACT on it...live it. Every time you choose not to gamble .....you would be making a deposite in your GOOD self account. I didnt gamble...I am good!

I cut people out of my life who do not respect my values. There are plenty of people who will respect them. Those people offer unconditional love. Those are people I invest in.

Your dad sounds like he loved you conditionally??? nly if you did what he wanted or what he thought was good. That was wrong of him. He only knows what is best for him. What type girls he likes. Who the hell is he? LOL I mean seriously....everyone likes something different. You know? You have to do what feels good to you. And you have to be willing to stand up for it and defend it. The hardest people to stand up to can be a parent. But if they truely love you they will accept you as you are.

I think to discover a starting point where values are concerned. You look at OLD anger. Things someone very important in your life did to you when you were young that made you angry.

Like if my father lied to me and I felt bad. The opposite of that would be. When my father was honest with me I felt good. This would mean honesty is a value you started with at birth. A little bit of good you. A blueprint of sorts. Something to build a self with.

It also means to feel good about you. You have to ACT honest by telling the truth. Even if doing so disappoints or makes others unhappy. And sometimes it will! But every time you live this value by telling the truth you are adding a GOOD to your self account!

By doing this you occasionally wind up TESTING the love of others. Sometimes you will disappoint them. If they overcome the disappointment and respect your values. Then they truely love you unconditionally. That is the kindof love you want in your life. It allows you to be you and to feel good about yourself.
I hope this makes sense.

I understand this completely, except i only currently experience this with a different group: older (40+) men. Unless it's a professional I have to deal with or a partner's relative, i hate them. I hate everything they're stereotypically interested in (sport, etc), i hate having to be around them and i can't relax while i'm around them. The cause of my problem is pretty obvious, though, i've been abused by two older men.

I did used to hate girls my own age, but it's now just feeling uncomfortable around them, and i'm not sure how similar that is to your own experience. I felt like I never fit in with people my own age when i was growing up and that feeling was pretty strong with girls, as (i feel that) girls are more likely to single out and target someone who doesn't fit in and they made it clear they felt the same way (by bullying). I feel bad about this feeling, as i hate sexism in all forms.

I have no answers, but you're definitely not the only one, and this doesn't make you a horrible person, i assure you.