Recently found out I have BPD, trying to fix it.

So I recently discovered that I have BPD and I've been trying to work it out. I'll start by saying the way I discovered it is two years ago I started dating a girl with bipolar disorder among other mental issues. However, one of her original goals before she lost most of her will to see things through was to be a criminal psychatrist so she'd studied in great depth personality disorders. She mentioned to me several times that "You are so borderline." eventually I looke up the symptoms and I've fit all of them through out my life, currently I fit all but two. Well up until my change of mind. I've had three long term relationships over the last five years, one was two years, one a few months and then one two years that only recently ended a week ago yesterday.

I will start by saying I'm now aware that I picked girls with their own personality disorders and that wasn't a healthy choice. But regardless of how I picked them I've always had low self esteem and a disconnection from virtually the entire world. I was able to make emotional connections with only my significant others and in doing so I put in more effort making them happy than any one person should. However regardless of how great I know I am deep down, I always suffer from an overwhelming feeling they're going to leave me. With the first relationship this along with other issues, caused an intense anger fit once a month. Never physically violent but basically I'd soak up all of her insults, belittlement, negative things, and hold onto them until I could no longer bare it and I'd explode at the end of the month. However this was because I'd put so much effort into making the relationship perfect and she still wasn't happy, it became tiresome. The relationship eventually ended with her leaving and this put me into a great depression.

I rekindled a relationship with a friend I'd made during that dating period, I'd gained some feelings for this girl but I was loyal to my unhealthy relationship. I have an unhealthy devotion to my signficant others. To the point that I don't even look at porn. It's an obsession to make the other person so happy they'd never leave. However this ultimately seems to push them away because the girl who I'd rekindled the relationship was a small flame that lasted about eight months. She was uncertain as to what she wanted and decided that she needed to be alone. I admit I know I was vulnerable at the time she came back into my life but I do know that I had feelings for her and often had thought of her.

During this time I befriended a lesbian who was VERY much like me. She seemed to understand me, had the same interests, however she was bipolar but didn't "Believe in the disorder". She's medicated for it and believes herself to be a sociopath instead of a biopolar. After things ended with the second relationship, she admitted to me that she had feelings for me and I felt I wasn't ready for another relationship. However through a freak accident we ended up back in each other's lives within the day and I decided that I wasn't willing to risk missing out on "The one" because of a heart break. We got along great and had perfect trust. I honestly felt like all of my issues had gone. Until she decided she wanted to keep me secret as she wasn't ready to admit she was dating a guy. This disturbed me, I was alright with it at first. I understood the request but it being a secret is a hard thing to do. That was the first part of the decline. She ultimately went back into a selfish mood and for two years we stayed in a relationship that was basically 98% me and 2% her effort. She claimed to be in love with me and only want me, we were engaged. But as time went on, my paranoia grew, she gave me reasons to be insecure and my black and white thinking was often a problem as if she wanted space I took it as she was getting tired of me. The relationship ended with her saying "You were too good for me, I'm not ready for that kind of relationship" and confessing that she'd been having fantasies about two other men and a woman. She also screamed at me during an argument of the break up it'd been my clingyness and insecurity that had drove her away. She'd told me previously she needed room to breath and I tried to do such a thing, however she was never supportive in helping me with my BPD. After the break up, I saw just how volatile she was and how horrible and unhealthy our relationship had been.

This brings us to now. I know I haven't mentioned much on what makes me sure I suffer from BPD so I'll go through the list of things. At a younger age I often impuslively scratched at Mosquito bites until they were scabs of soft skin which I'd rip off just to feel something. It's not something easy to admit but I am trying to move on from this BPD. I looked into it and see that self help is possible with therapy and some medication. I'm looking into seeing a doctor and there are no therapy groups near me, which is why I have come here. Anyway. The symptoms I have. I am overly compensating in my relationship, feel the need to have one (Or did until now), ripped parts of my skin off at a younger age, often thought of suicide after previous break ups or strong stressful periods, have an overwhelming feeling of abandonment, I'm often out of energy and find it hard to focus and keep drive. I lack any feeling of acomplishment regardless of how well I did, graduating, work, relationship. I'm extremely antisocial and blunt with my words to the point that it's considered rude. I lack ambitions in life and focused entirely on connecting with one person. After finding a significant other I drop all other tasks with life to simply make it work with them. I was basically a servant to the last one who I intended to marry. She was completely lacking in appreciation of me, our sex life was low, her anger was high, and regardless of the issues I always tried to take the blame, even for things I had nothing to do with. I was clingy and ultimately I believe that's what ruined our relationship as apparently I didn't give her room to breath and this caused her to "fall out of love with me"

After the relationship ended I managed a few days of clear clarity thinking. I realized that the BPD I suffer from is what was causing me the great heart ache in regards to the relationship. I have a remarkably strong will and decided to force myself to get over this disorder. I literally spent the last eight months waking up every day afraid today would be the day she left me and constantly lived in fear of angering her. I waited on her and gave up most of my inhibitions. Still she left me and I am trying extremely hard to accept that I couldn't have done anything more for the relationship. I'm aware that my BPD is trying so very hard to blame me but I refuse to let it. Since the break up I've become driven to fix my self esteem as I feel it'd have a huge impact, I'm 5'11" and weigh 270 pounds. I decided that losing the extra weight would boost my confidence enought hat if I ever move onto a new relationship I will have lost the insecurity issues and after the few days I had to really look at my relationship I know that giving up my life to please another isn't healthy for any relationship. I've decided to force myself to never again give up everything for a single person, to work on bettering myself, help my family and have even started to open up to them. However, I don't even know if this is placed in the right forum but I know my BPD is trying to make me miss my ex. I gain moments of control over my BPD but it's hard to stay on my path. The last two days my drive to keep bettering myself has become less meaning to me, the sense of accomplishment of staying with my diet is falling and my BPD is altering events in my relationship, once again trying to force me to take the blame for everything.

I have plenty of examples to compare for instance, my ex is a kidney stone factory and I took her to the ER at least a dozen times within the last year for them. I stayed by her side, trying to make her as comfy as possible and doing all I could to make her feel loved and safe. At 25 I'd never been in the ER until about three weeks ago. I was admitted to the ER and found that I myself had a kidney stone. She stayed with me in the ER until I was hooked up to an IV but after that, I was finally ready to get some sleep as it'd kept me up all night, she asked if there was any real reason for her to stay. This of course hurt me inside, I'd always known she'd never stay in the ER with me but the knowing and seeing are two different things. I of course told her "No, no, I'm fine. You go home, I know you wanna get on Facebook." but I desperately wanted her to stay with me. It wasn't fear of the hospital or lack of physical comfort as I was on Morphine, it was the fact that it was shown that she didn't have the want to be there for me as I did her.

I know deep down that this isn't my fault. I know that I did everything I could to keep that relationship going and I have vowed to never allow myself to be put into such a position again. I'm aware that my BPD is what draws me to these females who seem to need me and then when they no longer need me they discard me.

Now sitting here after typing all of this out, I feel as though I haven't even expressed the right words. Currently my problem is that i'm trying to remind myself to continue to help better myself and that most of my issues are in my head. The relationship is so newly over that a lot of hurt is still there and I think it's overwhelming me into feeling completely alone. Typing all of this out has relieved some tension in me, I'm trying to keep my anxiety down. I know that I literally have no reason to love or miss my ex. She treated me horrible and has lied to me and her friends about the break up. I'm striving so very hard not to blame myself and withdraw from the world. To become suicidal and self destructive but it's a struggle with no one to listen. I'm trying to remind myself that I deserve better and that I can better myself and live life for me, however it's been so long since I did it for myself. Now that I'm trying, I don't want to fail. Sorry if this is in the wrong section or I didn't explain my BPD well enough, it's just really hard to think.