My memory is completely BLOCKED (trigger?)

Part of my chosen therapy (along with seeing a therapist and working on DBT) is schema therapy (lifetrap therapy). I'm trying to do these exercises which involve going back to painful memories, reliving them, speaking to the victim (myself), etc. This is all in order to confront the past and change the way I think about things. It's not too complicated, but it's a behavioral therapy school of thought - schema therapy - Google it (good stuff).

Anyway - there's a problem. I'm trying to go back to these memories, but I can't find them. I have two ways to describe it.

Sometimes I feel like my memories aren't mine. Like I read a book about a person who had some stuff happen to them, and maybe the main character looked a lot like me, and the abuser looked a lot like my dad, etc., but it wasn't about me. It was about this other poor soul.

Some other times I feel like I am viewing my past in the same way you may view a movie you are sort of familiar with. Take the semi-familiar movie, and put it on fast forward with no audio, and you can't find the play button. That's how it feels. Like memories are flying past with no definitive details, and I can't even stop the tape to recognize the familiar scene.

So these two things keep happening when I try to confront my past. It's really bugging me out. I'm starting to ask myself - did this stuff really happen? Well, yeah, of course it did. I had the memories before, I asked people who are in my family if this stuff happened how I remembered, and yeah it did. But NOW I can't tap into it.

Also, the memories are played out in my dreams - on a full HD screen - on blast - in COLOR - at normal speed.

This is causing me a great deal of distress because I want to start dealing with this stuff, but I'm stymied.

I guess my questions are - does this happen to any of you? Any ideas on how to stop the tape so I can review a situation? Should I bother? Do you think I may need some more help with this, i.e. medication?

And, I should mention, the "fast-forward movie effect" and the "this didn't happen to me thing" happens when I am in therapy too.

FloMac wrote:I guess my questions are - does this happen to any of you? Any ideas on how to stop the tape so I can review a situation? Should I bother? Do you think I may need some more help with this, i.e. medication?

In regards to should you bother - I think only you can answer that, because it depends on how important it is for you to understand. It's kind of the same situation with what you wrote about your mother.. It won't solve anything, or fix you, but it may bring you understanding and closure. If you pursued it there would be benefits.

You may want to consider creative visualtization. It does take practice, but it's extremely calming and you can let your mind go to where you want. It's very New Ageish, but don't let that scare you off. I use to practice this when I lived in Tucson, and it is helpful. I don't practice it anymore, because I just don't have the patience, which this can be learned to with practice.

If you're interested I'd recommend Shakti Gawain. She's very good. I looked at her website in case you decide to pursue this you'd be interested in her guided meditations which can be found here http://www.newworldlibrary.com/BooksPro ... fault.aspx You can do it on your own, but I find the guided technique to be easier and not as boring. That sounds bad.. should clarify.. the process of getting to the state you need to be in takes practice, and I found to be boring, but once you get there it's great..

Hope this helps, and if you have any questions regarding this feel free to pm..

I have the same thing with my memories.

Like, I think someone told me this story about how this stuff happened to them. Oh... wait... was that me? Or, did I read it in a book somewhere? Did I make it all up? Was this a movie? It seems so familiar, yet... I feel like it didn't really happen. At least, not to me.

But I know some of it did. I had a lot of stuff happen to me from... well, possibly a very young age up until I was a teenager. And by the time I was a teenager, I could actually intentionally push things out of my head, so that they wouldn't seem to have happened to me. I know intellectually that they happened, but... it doesn't feel like it.

Sometimes though, it has all come back. I was on medication as a teenager, and... it helped me feel better, but, my memories were pushed even farther away, it felt like. When I went off them... it was the first time I remembered my past clearly. Only momentarily though. :/

Anyway, I think it's something you should definitely mention to your therapist. I'm sure dealing with your past isn't very helpful if you're not actually connecting to your past, you know?

cboxpalace wrote:

In regards to should you bother - I think only you can answer that, because it depends on how important it is for you to understand. It's kind of the same situation with what you wrote about your mother.. It won't solve anything, or fix you, but it may bring you understanding and closure. If you pursued it there would be benefits.

I get what you're saying, but I sort of HAVE to push through this. I really feel like this brand of therapy will be good once I can tap into the memories, then deal with them. I don't necessarily think I am doing it for understanding and closure - I'm over that, but I do think it is an integral part of changing my perceptions - views of the world and my place in it.

[/quote]You may want to consider creative visualtization. It does take practice, but it's extremely calming and you can let your mind go to where you want. It's very New Ageish, but don't let that scare you off. I use to practice this when I lived in Tucson, and it is helpful. I don't practice it anymore, because I just don't have the patience, which this can be learned to with practice.

If you're interested I'd recommend Shakti Gawain. She's very good. I looked at her website in case you decide to pursue this you'd be interested in her guided meditations which can be found here http://www.newworldlibrary.com/BooksPro ... fault.aspx You can do it on your own, but I find the guided technique to be easier and not as boring. That sounds bad.. should clarify.. the process of getting to the state you need to be in takes practice, and I found to be boring, but once you get there it's great..[/quote]

I appreciate that! I'll check it out.

letha wrote:I have the same thing with my memories.

Like, I think someone told me this story about how this stuff happened to them. Oh... wait... was that me? Or, did I read it in a book somewhere? Did I make it all up? Was this a movie? It seems so familiar, yet... I feel like it didn't really happen. At least, not to me.

But I know some of it did. I had a lot of stuff happen to me from... well, possibly a very young age up until I was a teenager. And by the time I was a teenager, I could actually intentionally push things out of my head, so that they wouldn't seem to have happened to me. I know intellectually that they happened, but... it doesn't feel like it.

Exactly. I'm actually relieved to hear someone else is experiencing this. I've told my therapist about my mental blocks. She says things will come with time, I'm so used to blocking things out, etc. So I guess I have to work on patience.

i think it's blocked because you're being ASKED to confront and it's your schema not ready to. it's different when you're the driver in your recovery than having to play backseat driver.

i had to do this in therapy when i was 19...and it worked tremendously. i wasn't dx'd at that point with any pd, just GAD with mixed emotional features (i think the PD was just starting to rear its ugly head).

could i do it now if i was asked? DOUBTFUL. because i don't want to relive it. reliving it means triggering every horrible feeling i could have about myself during that time. triggering doesn't mean recovering to me, you know? but then, i'm not the one conducting the sessions, i'm not the one with the degree, i'm the one with the problem(s) i can't seem to handle.

i just went through something called transformational breathing...it enabled me to let go of a lot of anger. i need to go back, but the process itself was triggering as i was around people and i wasn't ready to really let go in front of others. you might want to also check out TRE exercises? you can do both of these alone, see if they help.

i know how you feel....and i'm sorry it's been so difficult. question....have you set yourself up to be ready to face it and work through it?

Is it necessary to go back? It is what it is. Isn't moving forward a more profitable focus?

It's blocked for a reason, right? Maybe when sufficient coping skills are in place the memory will become accessible?

tortoise11 wrote:Is it necessary to go back? It is what it is. Isn't moving forward a more profitable focus?

It's blocked for a reason, right? Maybe when sufficient coping skills are in place the memory will become accessible?

I, and my therapist, do believe it is necessary to go back. I am living with habits, reactions and perceptions based on events that I have to confront. There are a whole lot of things I can do with those memories once I retrieve them that are supposed to be extremely therapeutic. I would like to do whatever it takes to live a normal life. I have pushed them down for years with no relief, so I figure, what's the harm in bringing them back?

Essentially, I have to "cure" the wounded child. It sounds very new age and maybe a little creepy, but I think it may work. Last night I was able to recall one small memory in which I wasn't being beaten, but I feared it. I had angered my dad for whatever reason. I was able to go back in the memory and soothe the little girl. I woke with such a peace about me (which is slowly dissolving as the day goes by), but I feel like it is a step in the right direction.

Sounds like it is working for you. Good luck to you!

you should check out trauma release exercises which was made for people with ptsd but can help anyone, often right away. it's based on the concept that when animals in the wild go through a traumatic event, they start shaking and release the stress/trauma through the body.

it doesn't involve reliving any memories and would probably make go schema therapy go even better.

if your interested, there's a book and instructional video by david berceli.

also here's a thread made by lil82 on her experience using the exercises for her bpd.

'Trauma Release Exercises- please read! This works!*TRIGGER'
borderline-personality/topic83179.html

wineaux wrote:i think it's blocked because you're being ASKED to confront and it's your schema not ready to. it's different when you're the driver in your recovery than having to play backseat driver.

i had to do this in therapy when i was 19...and it worked tremendously. i wasn't dx'd at that point with any pd, just GAD with mixed emotional features (i think the PD was just starting to rear its ugly head).

could i do it now if i was asked? DOUBTFUL. because i don't want to relive it. reliving it means triggering every horrible feeling i could have about myself during that time. triggering doesn't mean recovering to me, you know? but then, i'm not the one conducting the sessions, i'm not the one with the degree, i'm the one with the problem(s) i can't seem to handle.

i just went through something called transformational breathing...it enabled me to let go of a lot of anger. i need to go back, but the process itself was triggering as i was around people and i wasn't ready to really let go in front of others. you might want to also check out TRE exercises? you can do both of these alone, see if they help.

i know how you feel....and i'm sorry it's been so difficult. question....have you set yourself up to be ready to face it and work through it?

bigmike7104 wrote:you should check out trauma release exercises which was made for people with ptsd but can help anyone, often right away. it's based on the concept that when animals in the wild go through a traumatic event, they start shaking and release the stress/trauma through the body.

it doesn't involve reliving any memories and would probably make go schema therapy go even better.

if your interested, there's a book and instructional video by david berceli.

also here's a thread made by lil82 on her experience using the exercises for her bpd.

'Trauma Release Exercises- please read! This works!*TRIGGER'
borderline-personality/topic83179.html

I checked out TRE last night. I would absolutely LOVE to try that. It seems so helpful. I found a lot of information on it and videos of it being done, but I couldn't find instructional videos (well, none online for free lol). I'm going to see about purchasing a video - what's the harm? It's better than what I used to spend money on.

Thanks!