Infidelity - why do you cheat?

CBear wrote:

GirlInterruptedNow wrote:So even though we are great targets for sociopaths, and even though we can keep ourselves in the dark for a long time for the benefit of staying with those sociopaths, eventually, our true nature - volatile and drama-filled as it is - will help us get out.

You do sound very self-aware, and I like your thought process. You are able to identify things now, perhaps better than you could have before.

But now it comes down to actions, if you know these things, what will you do and will you act upon it.

Self-aware, yes... still pointing blame at others, though. You're posting about 'sociopaths' a lot. Focus on YOU, not them. Labeling every man you've dated as evil and unfeeling isn't going to help you see what you may have done wrong and help you work to correct it.

MadMage wrote:

CBear wrote: "Characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words"

Hah! I like that one.

One of my problems is determining where suspicious behavior ends and paranoia begins. An example; I get off work a little early one day an go to see my ex at work; when I get there, she's outside having a smoke break (hate... smoking...) with a co-worker, who happens to be a guy. Pang of jealousy; something seems wrong here. What is it? Body language? They weren't sitting close together... she puts out the cigarette, sits in the passenger seat, kisses me and spends the rest of her break with me. The guy gets in his beat up car and turns some music on. *shrug* I won't think into it too much, I'm probably just being insecure.

Month later, she moves out while I'm at work to go stay at his place without saying a word to me. Riiiiiiiight, so something WAS up.

Damn...same here brother.

For instance. Your girl starts dressing all nice before work. Unusually...
Dress casual, looking very nice and pretty. And you ask yourself...da fuq?
Why, if you go into and change into chef gear are you dressing like this all of a sudden.
But is this really enough? No, I guess I'll answer my own question, it raises suspicion. Indication that you should keep a much closer eye. You may see some other subtle warning signs.

But usually the subtle leads to more. I mean we've got a good intuition bro...As I said, if something looks weird, it's probably because it is. The mistake any guy would make is to not keep a closer eye.

katana wrote:I don't think about whether I'm being cheated on, if people are going to cheat they're going to cheat, I'd rather they are honest about it.

In the past, sure i "cheated" in some "relationships" - and i honestly don't think my partners really gave a $#%^ (much) more than i did, since they were almost certainly also "cheating" on me. Let's say something good was put in front of them and they'd take it just as much as i did.

In most recent relationship I never cheated. 1. I could tell he would have been bothered by it and 2. he has eyes on the back of his head and would know it happened. Add those 2 together = upset bf and ruined relationship.

The reason I'm posting is the other side of things. I've got a feeling he suspected me of cheating even though with the extent he knows what i'm doing, it would be pretty impossible.

Most of anyone cares. But if they're cheating themselves, it's kind of like you guys are "checking" each other in actions.

And yes, if someone cheats, I rather they be honest and come out about it. Honestly the lying does nearly more damage.
I live by another quote...I like openness and transparency. As such "I'd rather be known as an honest sinner than a hypocritical liar"

CBear wrote:@GirlInterruptedNow

You do sound very self-aware, and I like your thought process. You are able to identify things now, perhaps better than you could have before.

But now it comes down to actions, if you know these things, what will you do and will you act upon it.

I am planning on never letting it get that far. If I engage with someone and they disappear for long lengths of time, don't contact me for days after having sex with me, then I will let the relationship go. It is easier than you think if you just DO it - you don't engage with them. You don't contact them. You don't interact with them on social media. By the time they reach out to you again, you should be distanced enough to not be swept in.

If i DO get swept in, because of course this could happen, I will NOT require validation for my "paranoid" thoughts. I am observant...NOT paranoid. I am realistic....NOT distrustful. If I see a sign that something is weird, I can let it go. But two signs? Three? No...time to distance myself. Asking for reassurance is the WORST thing I can do in that case. He will ALWAYS give it - these guys operate on that level, at least with me. They want me to think that they are my prince, and I am their good girl, that they would never cheat, nor should I. No matter what...even if the truth were that I would be okay with them having other girls, and all I want is the power to choose. They will always lie about it for their own reasons. So, no asking for reassurance. MAYBE I can simply say, listen, I believe that something is going on here, and I want to know if you can understand how I might feel that way. ONLY if they are horribly apologetic for giving me any reason to be paranoid could I possibly go on. But most likely, that statement would lead to their anger. It did with this guy. And THEN it was time to walk away. I didn't, but I should have.

What will I do? In a word, I will walk away and not be scared to walk away. Or swallow my fear and walk away anyway.

-- Mon Oct 22, 2012 2:37 pm --

MadMage wrote:

CBear wrote:

GirlInterruptedNow wrote:So even though we are great targets for sociopaths, and even though we can keep ourselves in the dark for a long time for the benefit of staying with those sociopaths, eventually, our true nature - volatile and drama-filled as it is - will help us get out.

You do sound very self-aware, and I like your thought process. You are able to identify things now, perhaps better than you could have before.

But now it comes down to actions, if you know these things, what will you do and will you act upon it.

Self-aware, yes... still pointing blame at others, though. You're posting about 'sociopaths' a lot. Focus on YOU, not them. Labeling every man you've dated as evil and unfeeling isn't going to help you see what you may have done wrong and help you work to correct it.

I know it sounds like I am laying the blame on the men. I am NOT doing that at all. What i am doing is recognizing what my problem is: My problem is that I am sucked in by a certain kind of lie, perpetuated by a certain kind of man. My main task in therapy now is to take care of MYSELF, and make sure that I am AWARE that my fear of abandonment makes me vulnerable to men who would exploit that fear so that they can do whatever they want and never worry about my leaving. So, I hear what you are saying, but this focus on sociopaths has a purpose, and that purpose is to make me vigilant about what kinds of men tend to catch my attention and sort of hypnotize me.

(My other BPD issues have largely been dealt with...and I have turned them into GOOD things...I became a writer, for example. I can take my self absorption and help people with it by entertaining them or giving them good information; I have discovered that I am quite a talented interviewer....so when I do a profile of someone, they open up and enjoy the time spent with me, and I always end up with interesting things to write about.)

I've never cheated, but I've been cheated on a lot.

I stopped cheating. But I have cheated and created love triangles my entire life.

Fear of intimacy, cessation of emptiness is a HUGE reason, the addiction to the chemicals

I feel when I fall in love, sexual satisfaction where in the main relationships there were

usually sexual incompatabilities. Addiction to drama. Wanting to FEEL something, a

distraction from who I could be, from taking healhy risks, inadaquacy, someone who

can validate me when I couldn't do it myself.

I don't. I never have cheated on anyone and I would not ever.

Im a woman who has bpd(i believe not officially diagnosed but pretty much) I have cheated on my last boyfriend before my current bf more than once. I was younger back then and more into the party scene. I did it before because i wanted to have fun, i was stupid for cheating and i still am confused why i did it. I was in a very toxic relationship with my ex bf. I sometimes I love the feeling of being used(later i feel shame and disgust it turns me on). I almost feel like i have a dick at times because when im horny I just want to have sex but i control my urges. I love sex but once i have it i excessively want it to climax and feel that release, ive never understood why im like this. But feeling desired is in intoxicating for me i get off on the control

I have cheated in the past when I was unsuccessful in extricating myself from the relationship. What I used to do is date people who I didn't really like but who seemed to really like me and therefore were "safe." So the last time that happened to me, I knew I wasn't really into the guy after less than a month or two of dating but he kept trying and was making it difficult for me to break it off (as in showing up at my house or begging me not to do it when I was trying to break up). So after being stuck with him for a few months when I felt genuinely attracted to someone, I kissed him. And then I hooked up with someone else in another city, because in my mind we were broken up.

The time before was similar. I was dating someone on the rebound after another relationship ended and we went and traveled together. He went back home to do a master's degree while I continued traveling another two months with other friends and we hardly spoke so I sort of assumed he would get the point. During these travels I met someone that I became obsessed with and we just took off together. My then boyfriend kept calling my phone and even my parents because I didn't come back when I was supposed to so I finally told him. Poor guy was destroyed but I felt nothing. So I guess I cheated because I was a coward unable to fess up to these guys and tell it to them straight.

I feel like I literally can't resist impulses. If someone offers drugs, sex, whatever I feel like I have to do it. I don't even think it has to do with liking sex so much. I've cheated on my boyfriend with guys I wasn't even attracted to. I just felt like I had to do it. I don't think about consequences or how crappy I'll feel after, I just do it because "I have to." I think it has to do with emptiness. I feel empty and bored all the time so I do something (usually self-destructive) to feel alive. Ironic I suppose