Recently diagnosed

Heeey. I'm sorry if you get a million of these posts, it's the first time I've used one of these sites.

I was diagnosed with BPD a week ago. I'm 20 and thought that something was wrong for years but I was still genuinely shocked and am finding it hard to come to terms with, and don't completely understand what it means either. I'm on anti-psychotics, which turned me into a zombie for a few weeks but then kind of stopped having much effect despite me being on the maximum dose I'm allowed. I also have to wait about 6 weeks for councilling. At first I was relieved I'd been diagnosed, but now I just feel sad. My behavior ruined my relationship with the most wonderful boy I've ever known, and I find it hard to get along with friends, family and even my flatmates at university and needed an extension on my coursework just because I couldn't focus at all, which made me feel like a failure. I just feel so sad about it all and don't know how to make it better.

Sorry for the whiny post, but is anyone else in the same boat? Or have advice?

It's not at all a whiny post. I can't say that I'm in the same boat as you, but I know that handling this diagnosis is really hard given the stigma that it carries. And I personally haven't found many helpful books yet or online articles that are helpful. I tend to only find research out there that suggests that no one should ever engage in a relationship with us BPD sufferers, and I find it all very disconcerting.

I guess just keep your head up, pop the pills, and attend therapy. I've been going to therapy off and on for the past 5 years and I've tried all kinds of medicines. I know I'm getting better, but as I'm sure everyone here can sympathize, I sometimes get into ruts where I feel like I've made absolutely no headway in my recovery and that I'm stuck in square one. It's hard to see the progress sometimes, but I assure you, if you stick with getting healthier -- and that includes not just attending therapy but also taking up exercising and what-not -- you'll see a difference. You'll notice that your emotional outbursts lessen and you can cope with your mood swings more or you don't get AS angry as before... at least that's how it has been for me

Thankyou for your reply My boyfriend left my recently and I feel it's all too much to handle at one. I swear the medication I'm on has completely zapped my constant urge to self harm, so now I feel like all the feelings are spinning around but I can't do anything to get rid of them for a while.

Hey Lowrilemon, welcome to the forum.

I was only diagnosed a year ago now, so I remember just how you feel. I hadn't even heard of Borderline PD when I was first diagnosed with it, so I spent quite some time trying to figure out what it meant (which is part of what lead me here). You'll learn as you go; it takes time for it to all sink in. And I completely understand how you feel about the meds. It must be something about the fact that your body is suddenly getting this hit of stuff that it's not used to, because I felt exactly the same way. You go through that zombie period and then you start to "normalize" again.

Even knowing that you're not like everyone else, finding out you have a mental illness, and being put on mind-affecting medication at the same time is a very traumatic experience. It's like everything you know was tilted 5° to the right. It still looks the same and it still feels the same, but something seems just that little bit out of whack. It's hard to adapt to, but I promise you, it will get easier with time.

Nihilism is right about the books; most of them are anti-BPD. I'm sure that they were written by either prison psychologists or ex's of BPD's. However, there are a few out there that aren't too bad. One of the ones that helped me was "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." It gives a pretty good, straight-forward run-down of what BPD is, without being completely degrading and insulting to us. Of course, another good resource is this place! After all, who better to find out about BPD from than those who live with and (by virtue of their presence here) are willing to talk about it?

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Talk to me; how are you doing with it? What's going through your mind? If you'd rather talk privately, you can always PM me, or if you'd rather talk to another woman, you can PM MissAli. We're here for you.


JB.