Oh Man Am I In Trouble Now! (*trigger*)(personal life update

I'm serious, this is triggery just because it's a really bad influence thing to say but...

... my online stalking of my ex and the woman he left me for finally paid off after two and a half months.

I was kicking myself for unblocking them this week after several weeks of trying to put them outta my mind but now I'm not sorry I did because she's posting BREAKUP VIDEOS on her wall today. Hurray!!!

The delusional side of me thinks it's all because he saw me "like" his pictures, saw how pretty I've gotten since he dumped me, and wants me back (which would, of course, be a disaster).

The realistic side saw this coming a long time ago... he doesn't DO r'ships, especially with emotionally clingy people, and she was every bit as emo and needy as I was, though prolly not BPD. So he's just continuing his pattern of dating emo girls, getting disgusted by them, and then moving on to the next one.

Still, I can't help being gleeful to see they've broken up. Downright gleeful.

Please cross your fingers that he does NOT come crawling back to me, because that would destroy any sanity I have left, I'm sure of it (though it would also be the most passionate reunion of my life, for sure).

I won't even go into how bad online stalking is. I know you know that already!

So just be careful, okay? Yes, you've said that you two getting back together would be bad (I believe the word you used was disaster), but everything else in your post says you want it to happen. So please, be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt in all of this.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:I won't even go into how bad online stalking is. I know you know that already!

So just be careful, okay? Yes, you've said that you two getting back together would be bad (I believe the word you used was disaster), but everything else in your post says you want it to happen. So please, be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt in all of this.

Oh, I'm in such an ornery mood. Yes, I am very very bad.

But harmless. In fact, I just sent him an email to assure him of how harmless I am.

ooops, wasn't supposed to do that.

It's all good, he's so freaked out by me at this point there's no way he'll ever come back. And my friends would absolutely kill me if he did.

And I'm starting DBT therapy in the morning... hopefully the new therapist will be good.

And a coupla new people answered my personal ad, and that seems to be the best distraction from the unhealthy obsession. I'm ALMOST at the point of not wanting him back at all. Honest. But I can't stop wanting to know what he's doing... specially with her. But in the 2.5 months we've been broken up I've never once driven past his house. That's something, isn't it?

Eff, eff, eff.

They're back together. They just spend the weekend together on a trip and she posted a photo album of them being all couply again. Seeing the pictures... just... eff.

This right after he emailed me when he got home in response to my email, and we just started having a bit of a friendly dialogue and I said I was at peace with everything. Not so much anymore but I can't let him know.

But I *do* have to report every single bit of this on my new DBT homework sheets and keep track of my every reaction to the situation.

Fun, fun, fun. *adding to homework sheet: posted on BPD board*

*sigh*

And now i've just found out my childhood cello teacher had a stroke and is in ICU. This is a reallllllllllllllllllly bad night

First of all, I didn't say you were bad. Stalking, yes - you, no.

My recommendation would be to get off of Facebook, or at the least, remove him as a friend. I know everyone wants to be on FB, but I've seen it cause a LOT of problems over the years. Facebook is full of narcissists who want to show everyone everything about themselves. Sometimes, it's better not to know. Pictures of your ex with his new girlfriend fall into this category, I think. Just a thought...

I'm sorry to hear about your cello teacher. Any word on whether it was a minor/major stroke? What's the prognosis?

Major stroke -- he's in a coma. He was also really really good friends with my Mom and I had to break the news to her. Ugh.

As far as the Facebook thing, I'm really a mess. First off, getting off Facebook entirely isn't an option; I have 400 friends, and it's my main way of connecting with my social and professional communities. All my friends use Facebook instead of email to plan events, and I'd be completely isolated and out of touch without it.

I unfriended the Ex two months ago when I realized I couldn't stop obsessing about him, but the problem there is twofold: 1) his new girlfriend has a PUBLIC wall, so even though she and I have never met and were never friends, I'm able to go on her wall and see everything. And she's quite the exhibitionist about her feelings for him. At times it's amusing, but more often it of course gets my blood boiling. But I can't stop looking. 2) at various points in time I've blocked them both so I can't see her wall or his comments on my friends' walls (we still have a dozen friends in common), but I keep unblocking them. I even asked him last month when I drunk called him that one time to please please block me and have her block me since I clearly don't have the willpower to keep them blocked, but he didn't.

Right now I'm of the mindset that I'm just obsessing to figure out whether they're broken up or back together and once I figure that out, I can walk away again. And I'm not as upset seeing them interact as a couple as I was a month ago, so maybe it's GOOD to expose myself to get more used to the idea of it? But on the other hand I keep hitting refresh over and over again waiting for his comments to show up on her photo album of their trip together, like that pathetic scene in the Facebook movie, dying to see if his comments end up being romantic or not.

At this point I'm actually working up to being happy for them because they make more sense together as a couple than he and I ever did. But still, I'm so mad that she's getting from him what he told me he didn't want from ANYONE. And that he started up with her before he and I broke up and lied to me about it. I don't want him back, I think that logically they probably SHOULD be together, but I just. can't. stop. watching them and trying to put all the pieces together.

My last therapist yelled at me and ordered me to stop and I did.

My new one, who's doing the DBT with me, isn't ordering me to. She's just having me log it all onthe DBT homework assignments. She gave me four sheets for starters, telling me to log each time I had a slip-up on Facebook. And I immediately went to Kinko's and made 20 copies because I knew 4 wouldn't be enough. I even told her I was going to do that and she laughed. (I was afraid I'd be able to walk all over this therapist, and I"m already starting. Not good. But at least we're doing the DBT...)

Sorry this one is so rambly. Thanks for being there Johnny. It means a lot.

In my experience, it's really hard to force oneself to stop these kinds of behaviors. DBT can help tremendously to make these stalking and 'love addiction' behaviors go away on their own. Though it takes time.

Good luck.

applepear wrote:In my experience, it's really hard to force oneself to stop these kinds of behaviors. DBT can help tremendously to make these stalking and 'love addiction' behaviors go away on their own. Though it takes time.

Good luck.

Thanks, apple. I'm reallllly hoping DBT helps me sooner than later. This obsessive stuff is really maddening. I probably hit "refresh" a thousand times today.