Introduction, rant, plea.

If you have a pervasive, ongoing, impossible to escape, SENSE... that someone from your past whom you fell madly in love with IS, even empirically, given every attempt to find someone to contradict this notion, TRULY one-of-a-kind, and therefore eternally irreplaceable, is it possible that you could actually be correct? Yes, I realize that that is the run-on sentence from hell, but bear with me. What if the possibility of the above scenario being true seems to be your greatest downfall, emotionally, and consistently thwarts every single attempt you ever try to make at even remotely functioning in this World? My name is Jayde, I'm new here. I'm a 19 year old female, and I was diagnosed (first self-diagnosed, later "clinically"), with BPD when I was 16. It's been a heck of a few years since then. I dropped out of high school, I moved to Canada for a year (I'm from the US, and have since returned), where I tried to have a successful relationship with someone I care deeply about who is NOT the "fantasy" individual mentioned above, I worked as a call-girl throughout that year, I generally stumbled a lot and ###$ up my life ranging from repeatedly chopping off my hair, pulling it out during emotional outbursts resulting in interspersed bald spots, severely cutting myself resulting in deep, starkly-apparent wounds in previously aesthetically-appealing areas of my body, you name it. Now, I'm living with someone I can't stand because he's basically supporting me and assisting my "goals" (I use this term loosely since my goals involve physical appearance to a great degree, and I consistently manage to destroy what I have been given during my moments of BPD-"ism"?) financially. I'm pretty sure he realizes that that is why I am here, so while it occasionally results in me having an internal moral conundrum, I'm doing what I can to maintain some degree of humanity despite essentially using him. Besides, with any luck, given my behavior that seems impossible to control/manage, it will only be a short matter of time until he gets fed up and no longer proclaims being in love with me, at which point I should be fiscally & circumstantially able to move on from this situation. (Note: should be.) Basically, I treat this guy like $#%^. Majorly like $#%^, and since I've only been living here for about 2 weeks and he began professing his love for me about a week ago, I anticipate that in no longer than a month's time, he'll have found a way to surmount any notion in his head of "loving" me, and will be as happy to remove me from his home as I will be to be removed. I just can't stand him. Granted, I couldn't stand the guys I had to deal with when I was escorting, either, and I've not deluded myself into thinking that this is anything other than a prolonged form of the same type of endeavor. I can't really stand any guy who pales significantly in comparison to the guy who I'm about to elaborate on, which seems to consist from my point-of-view as the majority of the male population. Which sucks, considering the guy I'm living with right now, by all reasonable standards, would normally be considered quite a decent "catch".

Anyways, back onto the topic of my initial pondering and which essentially led me to this point... I met a guy online when I was 15. When I began speaking to him, I told him I was 18. We didn't meet until I was 16. He had just turned 20. (Note: in the jurisdiction in which I resided at the time, this is legal.) We engaged in a relatively short-lived relationship for a relatively short period, during which he cheated on me and pretty much everyone else he was "involved" with repeatedly. Given his particular profession, which put him in a position as somewhat of a "celebrity" in a field that accompanies mass attention from "groupies", I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Nevertheless...

Everything about him has completely intoxicated my mind/life from the day I first began speaking to him, until this day. I do believe we shared somewhat of a special bond during the time in which we were together, it definitely was not all sex. To say he "cheated" on me isn't even entirely fair, considering it was never formally stated that we were in a relationship in the strictest sense, and when we were apart even I admit to occasionally seeking "comfort" elsewhere. The issue is NOT necessarily that he was with other girls, although it does cause me an incredible amount of anger, frustration, feelings of inadequacy/inferiority/insecurity, etc. The issue is simply that HE IS NOT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. Everything about this individual... The way he looked, the way he smelled, he way he acted and his whole 'bad boy with a sweet, intelligent side' approach to life, his eyes, his lips, his smile, his laugh... EVEN his smug, arrogant, shit-eating grin he always seemed to have strapped on his face... my life is empty without it all. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the thought of him even fully-clothed and in a non-sexual context, that I forget that he had an unusually large and actually rather "pretty" appendage, just as all of him was beautiful. I don't even CARE about size, it just doesn't help me with the notion of not being able to ever find an adequate replacement, and it only adds to the notion that he was indeed, perfection. Something about the way he looked at me, his eyes... like he was looking either into me or through me or whatever, it has never left me, the memory of it, the memory of HIM, torments me to this day. Even after all of the ways I have tried to purge him from my life, I continue to find myself hopelessly infatuated with and abysmally empty without him. To quote an intentionally-ridiculous TV line, "the heart wants what it wants." That seems to be the case for me, my heart wants HIM, and my heart's want mixed with my propensity for extreme BPD symptoms, is absolutely causing me to deteriorate from the inside-out and back again.

I used to have goals. I used to have desires. I STILL have them, but they just seem pointless in the sense that I feel they will never be fulfilling without him. I've even come to a point where I've started to WANT some of them with the hope that it will bring him back to me, or at least allow me to believe in my fantasy-laced brain that I COULD have him, all to myself, BECAUSE I've achieved whatever. And that he will see me and come running after me and we'll ride off into the sunset, and so forth.

My life, my body, my feelings about other men and about daily activities in general have ALL suffered from having met and lost an individual whom it seems was put on this very EARTH just to appeal to me in ways I wasn't even aware ANYONE ever could. I've even tried looking at things from a different perspective, thinking that maybe I have just CONVINCED myself that this individual was so wonderful, when truly I was viewing it through rose-colored glasses, and I have tried to even be involved with guys who objectively might be considered to have "more" things going for them, and somehow I can't avoid feeling that THIS specific individual was practically CUSTOMIZED by some sort of Higher Power from above to my VERY intricate liking, and this has only served to ruin me, and cause me to ruin myself.

I daydream all day about him. The only thing that really brings me any joy most days IS daydreaming about him, but ultimately these daydreams, when "awoken" from them in a sense, only compound my sense of loneliness and emptiness and lack-of-fulfillment. Quite simply, it hurts. And as many people with BPD have undoubtedly experienced, it hurts enough that I end up ultimately hurting myself, in major ways.

Can anyone relate, or perhaps shed a bit of light?

Jayde

Sounds like infatuation. For some reason, its human nature to crave what you can't have. I think what you found appealing about him is that he wasn't committed to you and you knew it. Contrast this with the desperate men that throw themselves at you who are probably hoping for something more. That resistance drives any woman wild. And a woman with BPD... well, good luck reasoning with those emotions. His looks played a big role in this too. And the fact that you had sex just reved up your attachment hormones even if that wasn't what you were intending for initially.

Maybe thinking of him is just bringing you back to a better time of your life. I guarentee that if you were to spend one week again with him you would quickly learn he was not all you made him out to be. Actually, if possible, it would do you wonders if you could engage in a conversation with him for 5 minutes. The idealized version of him would quickly dissolve itself.

So what can you do at this point? You have two options. Find yourself a new gorgeous man who can occupy your thoughts. You'd have to look past career prospects and other non-superficial traits and be completelly shallow. Or you could try an antipsychotic. Risperdal is a personal faviorate, 0.5mg. Will shut those thoughts right up.

I relate – and agree with what khemix wrote.

I am no expert – but from what I have read about BPD – it seems to be a feature that we can idealize people, as you have with “him”. The fact that he is not around allows him to remain revered and heroic and perfect and not lhave smelly socks etc. You are sort of addicted to the idea of him, in love with the idea of him.

I have done this. I did and occasionally still think about my “one that got away”” and I too have spoiled other relationships by comparing these real and therefore imperfect men with “the one”. My “one” was also a bit o f a womaniser. Possibly, having poor self-esteem and self-image at times, along with poor confidence in my own judgement, I needed the confirmation of other women that he was attractive – or something like that?

Also very significant here I think, is that line from the film “Annie Hall” about not wanted to be a member of a club that would deign to have you as a member. If we do not really like or love or respect or value ourselves, how can we like, love, respect or value someone who thinks "defective ugly old me" is wonderful? They must have bad taste! They must be too easy to get. We need to get someone who rejects us so we know that they are too good for us and therefore really wonderful and above us and worthy of our adoration.

Also given that we may be into self-destruction and self-sabotage and self-hate etc., how perfect to have a relationship that causes us to feel “feelings of inadequacy/inferiority/insecurity” etc.? How better to punish ourselves by imagining that our one chance at happiness with “the one” has gone and we are doomed to be unhappy?

There is an obsessive, addictive aspect to all this too. You got an exciting adrenaline rush from him. Like gambling, you did not know if you would win or lose. That kind of feeling is addictive and exciting and can a make you feel “more alive” – but there is a risk there too. It is exciting that feeling of being in love. It is intense, it is compelling. But perhaps as you get older trust and security and faithfulness and support and those more “boring” things that are often found in “real love” will become higher priorities for you and you will want someone you can have great sex and a bit of excitement with – but also share those things with?

I realise all this but this intellectual understanding still does not make all the feelings completely go away all the time. I still occasionally fantasize about my “one” but less often and less intensely. It is less of an issue for me now.

Hope this helps a bit.

Man, do I sincerely welcome you to the boards, because I am no better than you are in the love department. I may be far in self-recovery of BPD, but my romantic relationships are a mess. A hot mess.


I idolize all the dudes that "got away" as jello put it, and live in the fantasy world of infatuation, as khenix pointed out. I think this is something that many of us BPD'ers struggle with. When they say we have problems with "interpersonal" relationships, they aren't sh*tting us. This is my #1 problem too.

I'm glad that you came to reach out to us here. Many of us understand your feelings, and validate them as real and true. I know that I do, and I wholeheartedly welcome you.

I seem to want to "seek and destroy" all the dudes who genuinely like/love me, all the while idolizes and drooling over the men who barely give me enough to hang onto.

Ehhhh. Time to get back to my therapist on this one.


Glad to see you here, sweetheart. <3


AMP

Thank you so much, everyone, for your thoughtful replies. They have all helped a lot and given me a few different new perspectives to consider. The thing is, it just really hurts. I may wear a confident facade in front of most of the World, but this is honestly ripping my heart out, and has been for a long time. I have such a deep longing inside, and so much insecurity it absolutely rips me to shreds. I can be in the middle of a conversation with someone random, and then when something is said to remind me of him, or a thought just pops into my head, I practically break down crying. I am not functioning at all. It's so painful. I have all of these fantasies in my head and I just wish I could live them out in reality. I want him, badly, and it's excruciating sometimes not being able to have him. Add on top of that all of the insecurities, all of the thoughts of him with other girls under all different circumstances, it's soul-crushing. The guy I'm seeing is somewhat of a "reformed addict", in recovery, and he occasionally says really poignant things regarding why people seek out addiction. One time, he simply stated, "I was an addict because I'm inherently selfish, and life didn't do what I wanted it to do." He said he has trouble accepting reality for what it is. That's probably my biggest problem, and it's causing me great suffering and sometimes life just doesn't seem fulfilling or worth it enough to even try anymore. I WISH sometimes I was throwing my life away with drugs/alcohol rather than even making a sincere attempt at accomplishing the goals I've set for myself. Obviously, that's not truly how I feel, but it's just so easy to want to give up when your heart aches so terribly from not having someone. Khemix definitely hit the nail on the head in saying that this infatuation/craving of mine clearly stems from simply NOT being able to have him. I want him so badly, it's like my life practically depends on it. I know from when I was with him, that everything wasn't like the fantasy, but I just SO want it to be. I want my blissful, hyper-romanticized, hyper-sexed teenage fantasy, fairytale romance, and it KILLS me that I did never, and WILL never have it. Ugh.

At least I feel a genuine sense that he thinks highly of me. Like I should ######6 care given half of his behavior, but still. Consolation prize, much?

Jayde

This "infatuation" is killing me. Literally killing me. I've destroyed my body so much that even MY mind doesn't see the point in any further mutilation. I'm at the point where the more I battle with these thoughts of my "ex"-whatever, the closer I am clearly getting to just giving up all together.

I need to forget he ever existed. Badly.

Jayde

Without going back on any of the more sensible advice I may have given in my previous message, I am going to throw a few questions and ideas into the mix here ...

could you contact him again?
have you done so?
is he just completely not interested?

how about hypnotherapy to try to forget him - not even usre if this is possible - but if it is not possible to see him or he is not interested and it has been years since you saw him and you are mutilating and hurting yourself over this (as opposed to enhancing your life by wistfully thinking of him and smiling once in a while) - maybe something radical like that with a good hypnotherapist might help?

Or how about some other kind of therapy? Have you spoken to your doctor? Asked for a referral to a Psychiatrist or Psychologist or other councellor or threrapist? How about googling "Exorcising your Ex" or "Getting Over an Obsessive Love" etc and see if you find anything there that helps? Also may be some threads on here that might help a bit - for example
borderline-personality/topic62107.html
Also there is a setion on here for Histrionic Persoanlities where you might find some info on intense infatuations.

I am a fellow traveller / sufferer - not an expert - but hope maybe some of this helps x