Newly diagnosed and struggling

Hello everyone,

So a bit about me, I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago and have been put straight into therapy as I'm classed as 'high risk'. Previous to that I was at day hospital for the past 10 weeks after suicidal thoughts and a breakdown. I'm finding this all really difficult and have decided to post on this forum as I feel completely alone and consumed by all this at the moment. Up until now I was adamant I didn't have a personality disorder, even after I was diagnosed I was a bit like 'yeah ok whatevs'. Upon my 2nd session and hearing I was 'high risk' I was sort of shocked and kind of distraught, the reality of actually having something wrong with me hit me. So I went home and did some research, I read all the criteria and sat there sobbing, I was like reading an honest description of myself, then the anger came. I felt so angry and upset towards my parents (my dad died and I have a very negative relationship with mum), I felt so heartbroken and lost. Sorry to be rambling on I just feel so sad and needed an outlet.

Am I abnormal for feeling like this? Please tell me this will get easier.

R

You're not abnormal sweetie i promise i can't speak for everyone but i know I've felt more alone recently since i decided to actually work on and deal with the fact that i have BPD and it's not gonna just go away on it's own one day I'm not in therapy or anything yet I'm still researching and learning myself but from what i hear with therapy and dbt you can get treatment and learn how to cope better. I do hope it gets easier for you and my pm box is open anytime you wanna just talk or ask things you don't wanna post publicly. Good luck and keep me updated

If you need anyone to talk to me message me, it is normal to feel angry and confused when diagnosed. I wish you all the best it will improve in time with the more you learn x

yes same.... you are far from abnormal. Been there, feel that done some insanely self destructive, suicidal things.

We're friends here... and we all have our own battles but can relate and are here to be a friend and help you out.

Chin up because we understand x

You're not alone.

It took me a long time to accept my diagnosis. I'm glad it's hitting you sooner rather than later. It was years for me.

I also was in a partial hospitalization program for quite a while... 3 1/2 months for me, with a brief hiatus to their inpatient ward.

When my diagnosis finally hit me, I was afraid to tell who I was dating at the time. It made it more real. Then he started doing research on it once I finally told him. It didn't help that he went to The Site That Shall Not Be Name (I'll PM you the name of the site if you want... even seeing the name can be triggering for some people)

My father also died when I was young, and my relationship with my mother was... strained. It was always very triggering to be around her and my family.

I hope you find the support you need here.

R, welcome to the nuthouse! As others have said, you're certainly not alone in this.

I don't know why, but that whole "seven stages of grieving" thing applies to people diagnosed with BPD; maybe others too, but I don't have any first-hand experience with those (except AvPD, but that wasn't really anything of a shock). When I was first diagnosed, I did the same thing. Me? BPD? No, that just wasn't happening. Not on my watch. I picked up some books that my GP recommended, I read through them, re-read them, and still, Johnny Cash's words rang true; it ain't me, babe.

Then, as time went by, I'd be out in the world and I'd notice that I was doing something. That's when I'd realize, "oh yeah, this IS Borderline PD, isn't it?" More and more, I realized that I did fit the profile. The realization felt like I'd just taken a Mack truck to the chest.

We're BPD people. One of our things is that we make identities and then cling to them. Unfortunately, one of the first ones that we probably made is the identity of being "normal." It's one of our oldest, and one that we cling to most fervently. Even if we know we're different, we don't like admitting it, to others or to ourselves. Once that illusion is shattered, it has a huge impact on us. It'd be like me waking up one morning and being not only told, but proven, that I'm not actually Johnny Blaze; I'm Jimmy Rocco. I've always been Jimmy Rocco, I just never knew it. It's a lot for someone to digest.

So, the moral of this story is that there are two good things to what you're going through. First, this period of anger and confusion and sadness won't last. You'll settle into your new identity soon enough and get comfy with it. I've even gotten to the point where I call my friends lunatics, but if they say it, I remind them with mock indignation, "that's OUR word. You can't say that!" Hey, ya gotta have some fun in life.) The other good thing is that you're not alone. We are here for you. We may not have gone through exactly everything you'll go through, but someone here has probably been through something at least similar. So ask away!

If you ever want to talk about anything, but don't want it going public, feel free to PM myself or MissAli; our inboxes are always open!

*Trigger*

I had a bit of a weird one. I was hospitalized for suicidal behavior and self-harm, and prior to that I had done a bit of research on personality disorders. I knew I didn't have just a mood disorder, and something else was wrong, but I had figured on AvPD until I actually started paying attention that I actively/habitually sought out social settings rather than avoiding them. BPD was the only thing that fit, except I don't really dissociate. Got diagnosed in the ward, started therapy, blah blah blah.

At that point, I shifted gears and was radically opposed to the diagnosis. Impulsiveness? ADHD. Anxiety? ADHD. Anger? ADHD. Depression? Depression! Any weirder behavior was because I was on drugs. So I went into rehab. Guess what? Three weeks later and my BPD symptoms are even more pronounced than when I was on drugs. After my therapist (who was initially behind the ADHD/Depression theory) started sifting through my fronts, lies, and defense mechanisms and got to a few kernels of truth, she was like "Yeah, we're starting DBT." I'm still unsure, but if every mental health professional I've come across says the same thing, I tend to believe it. Even my substance abuse guy brought it up.

At this point, I'm warily hopeful, and definitely curious about DBT. However, the last week or two have been terrible. Constant up-and-downs, self-injury, suicidal thoughts, the works, especially after reading some older books about the prognosis of the average borderline. Yet, it supposedly gets better, so they keep telling me. Anyhow, welcome, and hang in there. I'm certainly gonna try.