might have BPD

Hello everyone,
After a lot of struggle and conversations with my boyfriend we've come to conclusion that I might have BPD, I'm gonna set an appointment with a doctor and see what the diagnose is, though a few online tests said that I might have it. I feel very lost because my boyfriend is already burnt out with all the things we've gone through and only now I'm starting to see the kind of problem that I'm facing. I am very afraid that he'll leave me and at the same time I know it's not good or healthy for him nor for me, but he's the only one who has realized what was going on and helped me realize as well.

I was in an only relationship apart from this one in all my life and went without dating for 7 years, till I met him. Also, the way we met was not the ideal, and my behavior and continuous distrust of the relationship, myself and my capacities have made him feel like this is not going forward, and I don't know what to do, because I don't know if I'm gonna overcome this, I still don't even know for sure if that's my problem, but I fear that my willingness to get a treatment might not be enough for him to want to stay in the relationship, but at the same time, I cannot blame him, he has all the right to walk away. He has showed that he loves me in many occasions, but I'm still so insecure about someone actually loving me that I think I'm screwing it up.

I saw that the people in your forum are very supportive but I also need some call to reality, see if I really should let him go because wanting him to stay is a part of that selfishness or selfcenteredness and of my fears of being abandoned by him. But I do think I love him, and that he loves me, though sometimes that might not be enough for a relationship to work. I'm only coming to terms with this new view of myself, though I guess, looking back, I always knew something was up with me, and so did my family and I guess, friends. I always thought I was too emotional, and that people were not as giving as I was and that I was a sufferer, and people didn't care as much as I did. I had issues with my dad, who was very authoritative and who probably has some kind of disorder himself, but in general I love my family very much, and I know that they care, specially since I'm living in the US currently and I'm from Spain, so they're very far away and I can tell that they love me, so I don't intend to victimize myself by blaming them for what is wrong with me because I came to terms with how good I feel about my family a while ago. And I also miss them very much and feel guilty for being away ad for wanting to start a life here. But now I feel lost, it's as if all I was it's not valid anymore, like it was a phallacy, like I constructed some kind of me that is not real, based on unreal perceptions of what goes on around me. Does anyone else here feel like this?

Thank you so much for your help!

Wow, my situation right now just came out of your mouth. Same thing, except its not bf-gf its me and my best friend. We constantly have emotional outbreaks. She has add/adhd and I've always knew that I wasn't like anyone else. No one understood me except for her (understood some of me--not all). So the other day we got into a huge fight about comitting suicide, self-harm, talking to a doctor, and trust. It was insane, and i sent her a link, basically describing a bpd in a non-bpd's view, and she said i matched the description exactly. So I somewhat self-diagnosed since I am not 18... but back to you, it sounds like you have BPD, but going to the doctor/therapist would confirm your beliefs, so you can then get further treatement. You're not alone!!! I'm in the same situation. Also any advice for me and my bff? I can't sleep at all because of it. Thanks@

Madame_Foreigner
Welcome to the nuthouse!

I'm glad that you made an appointment with a doctor. If all of the online tests are pointing to BPD, then it's probable that you do have it, but it's always best to get a pro's opinion on it. A lot of times, they'll see things that we're missing; it's that whole "can't see the forest for the trees" thing.

It sounds like you're taking some good steps here, and you're seeing things very reasonably, so that's a very good thing! As a bonus, your boyfriend will see you making changes to better both yourself and your relationship with him. You think so much of him that you're willing to get help, just to make the relationship with him better. Really, what guy wouldn't want love that?

SlapHappyKelso
Since I don't think I welcomed you yet (sorry), welcome!!

What you may want to do (and MF, you may want to do the same, if you haven't talked with your boyfriend about this already) is sit down one day, and write down what you feel and what you go through. Just put it in point form; no essay here. Then, once you're done, have a sit-down with your friend, and explain it to her. You'll probably be nervous, so having the notes will help.

Between your actions and the link you sent her, she already knows a lot of the outward signs, but it's unlikely that she really understands the reason, or the depth thereof, behind the actions. It may help her understand where you're coming from, a little better.

On a related note, would you be so kind as to send me a PM with the link you mentioned? I'd love to read it, if you don't mind.

Hi SlapHappyKelso and JohnnyBlaze!
thank you for your answer. I've already set the appointment with the doctor for this week and we'll se how this goes, I'm a little scared but it'll be better than being in doubt.

SlapHappyKelso, from my experience, if it's a good friend and understanding, it's usually easier to make them understand than a relationship (many pother things involved), and I think if you explain what is going on, she'll understand. Anyways, why is it that you can't be diagnosed because you're under 18? I don't understand that. Anyways, good luck with everything,
and again, thank you both for replying, I'll let you know how everything goes next week.

Madame_F;I agree with JB; You are taking steps and I think your boyfriend will see this, how can he not appreciate what you are doing.. for you and for him.. if you can, keep him in the know, talk to him. it might Elevate a lot of fears and bring about more understanding.

Slaphappy;Information is key.
for the ones that do not suffer with BPD, they have no clue as to what you are going through. Let your friend in, talk to her.

I commend you both for you are taking a huge step and should be very proud.
hugs