It still hurts so much.. POSSIBLE TRIGGER

Hi Guys,

I have been pondering about posting this for a little while now. I have decided I should now because even though it hurts I know it is something I need to get a handle on other wise I will just keep hurting.

Brief history..

My hubby betrayed my trust last year and it shook my world. Totally devastated me to the point that it was a major reason I tried to commit suicide. I did want out. It was no attention seeking. I barricaded myself in the bedroom. Music on, alcohol and pills. Anyway, it didn't work.. obviously.

Anyway no matter how much I have tried to forgive. I cannot. I have read so much on forgiveness. I have tried to practice alternative thinking. I have tried exercises. Nothing will help. It is still as fresh and painful for me now than it was last year. The only differance is it isn't resorting me to sobbing and collapsing in sadness anymore. Although I do cry sometimes about it. The anguish, pain and anger is still as fresh as ever.

Is this normal for BPD? and if this is normal for it then I have a harder job on my hands than the 'normal' person having to deal with this sort of pain, right?

Even if me and the hubby were to break up (which is what is happening now) will I still hold on to this bitterness? I don't want to ruin my life but at the same time I have been guilty of being scared to lose this feeling because then I would be letting my wall down. I don't want to allow that to happen to me again. Although I know how damaging it is.. I am scared to lose it sometimes.

I also am very angry that someone hurts someone so bad and it's the victims problem then because they have the work to do do. They have to go on the journey of forgiveness etc and sometimes the perpetrator just dosen't care. They have no work to do.

I am lost.. Sorry for the rant. Hope someone can shed some light?

x x

*content removed by mod*

This sort of communication is inappropriate.

Moderator.. please can you delete razorromero's reply. He has hi jacked my post and I am so triggered.

This is my husband and he has no right to do this. I am totally disgusted.

I have reported this to you. thanks

would really appreciate some help on this.. anyone?

Hi Demetri!

I am going to send you a PM regarding this, as I don't want anyone reading that you don't want seeing it.

<3

Much love!

AMP

I don't know if it's a BPD thing as much as it's a being human thing. Although it's probably safe to assume, I'm going to ask, just to make absolute certain; he had an affair, correct? If that is the case, then not forgiving him is a perfectly human response, especially this early on (and yes, one year is still early). I don't have any direct experience being cheated on, so I can't give you any first-hand ideas. Well, I don't think I have any first-hand knowledge; the timing was a little suspicious (<24hrs), so who knows?

As for what you "have" to do, you don't have to forgive. All you have to do is try and get you back on your feet again. If you can bounce back without forgiving, then there's no rule that says you have to.

I hope you get through this. If you need people to lean on, we're always here.

Hello Johnny blaze,

Thank you so much for your response. It is greatly appreciated. First off, I have kicked him out, secondly he didn't cheat on me.. If you don't mind I will not go into what it was but it totally devastated me all the same and he knows this.

I am so glad I have this forum, the support. It is much needed.

I am at a point in my life now that I have been so hurt by him, constantly let dow etc and we have broken up and him left before but this, this feels so much more differant. I am feeling much stronger. The bpd abandoment monster isn't rearing it's ugly head too bad for me. I do not want him back here messing with my head. I know he will try and I know he won't give up without a fight. I won't fight with him though. I will remain calm and firm. I owe it too myself. If anything, the more he pushes, the more I will dig my heels in now.

He called me evil and disgusting. I KNOW i AM NOT THESE THINGS. wHAT HE HATES IS HOW i HAVE POINTED OUT TO HIM HIS behaviour towards me. I am always acknowledging my negatives and have beenmaking positive steps towards altering my responses etc.. He.. well, let's just say, he has manipulated the situation. I can't remember how many times he has said after a few days he was sorry and should try harder and learn more.. I always allow him to try and help us and meet me in the middle. Each time I do this with faith and hope. But, no more.

As for the forgiveness, well I don't knw if it will ever work for me. I feel I would like to forgive in order to at least stop myself feeling so bad about it all but to be honest, I feel if we remain apart, I will, in time feel better about it all.

Love and light
xx

Today isn't going so well..

It has hit me.. big time.. I STILL LOVE HIM!

What do I do? I have realised that I over reacted again.... And this time I have truly lost him. He isn't a bad man. He is foolish. He is silly and yes he has been cruel and manipulative but most the time I know he does not intend to hurt me.

But now I hust so bad.

Demi i am not really sure what to say ..... could you maybe try and talk with him about this? i don't know and i dunno if you are getting therapy or whatever but have you considered doing some couples counselling or something i dunno just a thought.

Thinking of you and hoping things will improve soon take care.

Hi lg..

Thanks for listening. I am begiining to feel really beaten down by people.. Even bpd people..

I just don't understand anymore..

I think he hates me too much for that and to be honest I am too far messed up for it. I have been waiting and waiting for DBT. I am only been on lamictal for 17 days..

life is so unfair and I really really don't know what to do anymore.

He knows the real me. He has seen it so many times. He knows what a kind loving person I really am... But he has to lead his life away from me. I have destroyed him like he has destroyed me too.. On top of that though I have this monster always lurking inside of me.. Exploding and taking over my whole life..

I hope one day I will gain control over this monster. I habve done really well lately at times but obviously not well enough