BPD and escorting **TRIGGER WARNING** SH/SEXUAL**

I've recently come to the end of a 2 year long period of complete self destruction. I think I've always exhibited the symptoms of BPD but to a far lesser extent than when I entered into an insanely damaging relationship (for both parties) a couple of years ago.

I had started to use drugs recklessly on occasion before meeting him - as in I would do them infrequently but when I did them I didn't know my limits and would binge until nothin was left. I then met my ex-boyfriend who I'm pretty sure also has serious deep seated issues following the death of his mother, subsequent heavy drug use and abandonement from the rest of his family. I had never used drugs to this extent before meeting him and I definitely don't blame him it was only a matter of time and I was lookin for something like this...but it did make me think that this behaviour was 'normal'. I remember the first time we had a cocaine binge together and before he went to work the next day he had a 'morning line'. I was shocked and horrified but a couple of months later morning lines to straighten out before work were standard.

We had a very intense relationship characterised by stages of heavy drug use, amazing (but insane) sex...like going to swingers clubs on drugs etc....to both wanting to straighten out, being good as gold for a few weeks...then becoming painfully bored and resentful of laying on the sofa watching dvds every weekend. It was always one extreme to the other - most exciting relationship imaginable - then the next week acting like we had been married 40 years.

All the while I was with him I justified the behaviour to myself telling myself that it was HIS reckless drug taking that encouraged me and if I broke up with him I would go back to normal. I didn't realise I had a problem until we broke up the first time and the behaviour got significantly worse. Before I was taking drugs because it was fun....single I was taking them to get totally ###$ and honestly wouldn't have welcomed an overdose but wouldn't have really cared if I'd had one. I would make myself extremely ill...be ###$ by painfully long comedowns over analysin everything, thank my lucky stars that I'd gotton through the comedown without having to go to AandE then do it all again a few days later.

The first time we broke up was 2 weeks before my final exams and dissertation deadline at university. He has a very high powered job, things went tits up and he bailed on life (and me). We were living together at that stage and it was my worst fears confirmed.

So...my reckless behaviour increased after a few months apart from him and I still missed him intesely despite trying to see other people. I would instantly lose respect for them as soon as they started to develop feelings for me because that didn't 'know me'...or if they did they were crazy/desperate for stil liking me. So because things got worse I thought getting back together would fix everything..and that we would both have changed and come to appreciate and respect each other more. I tried desperately to get him back but he said even though he loved me intensely we were bad for each other and he wasn't going to risk having to go through the breakup again. He went off the rails too when we broke up. So I couldn't get him back, which made me want him more. I manipulated him into seeing me on the premise of 'casual' sex and drug nights every once in a while because we would joke that we'd cursed each other and sex with other people was nothing by comparison. We would have the night, I wouldnt mention any relationship stuff for fear of scaring him off so I'd ask totally aloof and detached and then he would declare undying love for me...tell me he wanted me back, convince me to open up then completely change his mind in the morning. He did this a couple of times and it destroyed me.

This is where the escorting comes in....He had told me about his escort use in the past which kind of planted the seed and dissolved any stereotypes I had making it seem interesting, exciting and empowering. I also have an extremely controlling overbearing mother and throughout student life despite working had been somewhat financially dependent on my mother or him. When I was at my most hurt for some reason I havent really understood until recently escorting seemed like the logical thing to do. I told him I was considering it which was likely an attention seeking cry for help and he ignored me so (I'm pretty sure out of insane stubborness) I called his bluff. I was also terried of having to crawl back to my mum for financial help who thought I was an idiot for going back to him anyway.

I immediately felt indepedent, empowered, confident, like I had an extremely fun, interesting secret life and that I was better than other people who 'wouldn't be able to handle it' because I was a strong enough person to do it. I never once felt guilty, ashamed or considered how my actions would crush the people around me. I told him about the escorting...he flipped, tried to kill himself then decided that it made him realise how much he loves me and how ###$ up things had got and that he wanted me back, to quit drugs etc. I felt so fulfilled as this person knew the deepest darkest things about me and still loved me enough to look past it...Problem is with me being completely selfish and apparently having no morals or soul I didn't stop the escorting when we got back together. I had another full time job so I just lied and said I worked in a strip club to explain all the cash - this was 150 an hour work. How I did this to someone is beyond me but I tricked myself into believing that it was tempory and after I had saved up enough money for us to go travelling for a few months and to pay for me to do a masters when I got back I was going to quit. Only I didnt save any money...my money evaported on drugs and poor planning. I literally have no idea how I spent so much and have nothing to show for it. I'm not even a materialistic person I have never been motivated by money it was the independence and control it gave me. Knowing that if the worst happened and everything abandoned me I wouldn't 'need' anyone.

Well he found out I'd still been doing the escorting (and drugs behind his back) on Saturday. He called me evil and mental and said he was going to pick up some heroin, drive somewhere no-one would find him and kill himself knowing that it would destroy me as much as I'd destroyed him. He has since changed his phone number so I have absolutely no idea if he's even alive. I've contacted his family since he won't see me and I think he would probably kill me so I'm hoping they have him. Better yet before disappearing off the face of the earth he went round to my parents house on drugs...told them we had been seeing each other for the past 6 months again (they didn't know this)...told them I'd been using drugs heavily and showed them my profile on the agency website. My family will likely never recover from this but yet still instead of feeling intensely guilty I feel angry because my mother won't stop talking about how worthless I am and how could I have done this to her - failing to consider what the ###$ kind of state of mind I must have been in to do it to myself. Logically I can see why shes reacting this way and feel gulity..kind of...but not in the way a normal person would. I feel almost resentful because she thinks this is my ex's influence when really if anything it's a product of her being completely overbearing all my life and stop allowing to make any of my own decisions and controlling everything.

Yet when she found out about this on Saturday instead of coming clean and promising her I was going to sort myself out I denied everything, went out and got totally ###$...did 6 ecstasy tablets which I'm actually amazed haven't put me in hospital and then shes turned up at my hosue this morning and dragged me home, still off my face pupils like saucers and I've had to tell her everything...on drugs/comedown. I feel like for the first time ever since I've been behaving like this I've woken up and realised it's not normal and needs to change because it will get to a point where it's too hard to walk away from. I still feel extremely resentful and angry and insistent that I'm not wanting to change for 'them' but for 'me'...even though I owe it to my family to sort myself out I've basically told her if I feel like I'm being controlled again I'll probably go back to it. It's amazing that reading all this I can logically see that I'm completely and utterely delusional but I still can't 'feel' that I am.

Just a general rant really. I'm not sure if I have BPD I'm going to book in to see a therapist tomorrow for addiction counselling and to talk about the escorting really but it seems like a pretty close fit.

I know things between me and him are over and I feel empty because of that. But really even though I thought he knew me and loved me in spite of all my $#%^ he didn't know anything because I was still lieing to him and still felt paranoid and insecure because I knew the lieing had a shelf life....I'm a terrible lier. I didn't even really try very hard if I'm honest. It was kind of a take it or leave it I don't have to justify myself to anyone because I'm being honest attitude (but clearly not being honest!). I hypocritically demanded 100% honesty and comittment from him but gave nothing remotely similar back and felt paranoid because I knew what I was capable of so assumed he could do the same. If he kills himself I don't know what I'll do. He also admitted he had been using heroin for the past couple of months daily. I had no idea...I've never used this and flipped on him saying that I knew nothing about him and how could he lie to me daily....even though I was doing worse but in complete denial.

Surprised no one has actually replied to this, yes it was incredibly long but it was interesting.

Don't know what to say really, I considered escorting in the past and was pretty close to doing it. I've also used escorts as well.

I found that wanting to escort is due to self-esteem issues and also your perspective on sex, not necessarily monetary or a level of independence. I found that using escorts was more in relation to commitment issues which relates to abandonment (I think).

You only need to each 5 out of the 9 traits to be diagnosed with BPD, a self-diagnosis isn't really that reliable, I think you are right to go see a psych. I remember I had like 8 out of 9.

In regards to ur ex, if you are focusing on getting better it may be selfish to say this but you are probably best to not associate with him at all. I have been around suicidal people before and it really does affect you in a negative way. You and him will be at totally different levels and have totally different kinds of issues. Best to focus on getting better first then in the near future you can reach out to him again.

I have to agree with maximus. Focus on getting yourself well and stabilizing your own life, minus a relationship. Once you have your head on straight you'll be able to make better decisions regarding your love life, job choices, etc. I don't blame you for taking advantage of the money available for escorting. I was the secretery for an escort agency for a little while (my friend ran it) and escorts make a tremendous amount of money but in order to see it as a "job", you need to have a life outside of it.

As for your ex... although you may care for him a great deal, you won't be able to be of any help to him if you continue to self-destruct. Clean yourself up first and then worry about whether he's back on his feet. If he's not, perhaps you can inspire him to also lead a healthier lifestyle. In the meantime, I would contact his family to warn them of his suicidal threats and daily drug use. It may not be pleasant but that is the only thing you have in your power to do right now that will help him.

Best of luck,
Fluttershy

I guess my question is, what do you want? I ask that in all seriousness. From here onward, what would you like to happen? Based on what you said, I'm guessing it's one or more of the three subjects you covered; the drug use, the escorting, or the feeling of emptiness.

Personally, my two big ones would be the first and last, and not in that order. On the one hand, I'm sorry that your relationship ended. It's never easy to go through that. On the other hand, from the sounds of it, even if you were looking for it, it sounds like he wasn't that good for you.

Maximus is right in that you and your ex may want a little space from each other. Like all of us, you have your own matters to deal with; you shouldn't use all of your energy worrying about his problems, too. You two may be able to hang out in the future; who knows? But don't rush into that just yet. Worry about yourself, first.

All guys want to go to bed with a sexy girl. It's just nature. But some of us want to wake up with her, too. Today, tomorrow, and every other day, too. There are some guys out there like that; guys who'll love you just for you.

As for the drugs, I couldn't care less about the legality of it, but I don't want you to wake up on a hospital stretcher one day, or worse yet, not wake up at all. I know how badly we all want to escape ourselves; I constantly think about it. I'm sure you do, too. Just don't hurt yourself doing it, okay?

If Maximus is right in that you're escorting due to low self-esteem, and you do want to change that, then that can be worked on, too. After all, if you're having any success at the job, it means that you're obviously very pretty, so finding a guy won't be too difficult. Don't quote me on this, but I think we have (or had) a few former escorts on the board here; they may be able to give you a little more insight.

Of course, if that's not correct and you're happy with your job, then stick with it! What other job lets you have that kind of fun and get paid for it, too?