I'm Really Lonely

Its the weekend again. Another weekend where my girlfriend, who I don't feel has loved me for a long time, retreats to the bedroom to read all day, following an argument, (this time about booking a holiday and me worrying about money because I always do) and I'm left on my own, down stairs, consuming marijuana, listening to music, feeling like crying because I have no one. I live in a foreign country and I literally have no friends. I wish I could just go for a pint with someone.

Its 20 degrees outside and I really want to go out but it doesn't seem so great going it alone. Normally I would take my camera but that typically broke a few days ago, just a couple of weeks before I'm supposed to start a short photography course - My first real interaction with people since my anxiety accelerated.

I know I'm sounding like I'm feeling really sorry for myself, but I guess I am.

I don't have the ability right now to make the changes I need to make. Just getting through a day without self destructing is hard enough. I spend everyday of my life alone. My girlfriend leaves for work at 07.30 and gets back nearly 12 hours later. I sit and fester on the sofa with the blinds closed all day. If I go out (the highlight of my day) its to go to the supermarket 600m away.

I don't know what Im saying, I guess I just want to tell someone.

Firstly, you have a girlfriend... that is more than some of us!!! If your relationship is not helping you both grow and laugh together then u might not have anything else to give to each other, and u can live in a stagnant pool or move onto new things where you might become more fulfilled.... its a huge leap to take granted but... u do have a choice.,...
And mixing all those meds with marijuana might be really bad for you... I dont know ....
These threads are good for us to express our feelings... and we may not have all the answers but theres a lot to be learnt from reading eachother's experiences and they way we deal with them sometimes.....
<3 xoxoxo

-huuuug-
im here, if you ever wanna talk or just get something off your chest you can message me and ill listen...

DB, I think Betty's onto something, here. When I was first put on Trazadone and Celexa, I had to quit drinking, because of how hard they are on the liver. It wasn't until then that I realized that, although I'm not an alcoholic by any standard, I was using it as a crutch. Sometimes, it was used as a complete escape, others, it was just to take the edge off.

I'm wondering if weed is doing the same for you. Have you tried getting off of it, even just for a little while? In addition to any physical issues it may be creating with any current medications you're on, it may also be having a psychological effect. When I stopped drinking, I found that I had to face myself a lot more often than I'd wanted to. It's not fun, I'll grant you, but it can be useful.

From the sounds of it, you and your girlfriend have a few arguments. That's good and bad. It's good because if she's still fighting, that means she does still want to be with you. Of course, too many arguments can change that. That's another reason I suggest cutting the weed for a bit. It'll not only show her that you're trying to change, but it may also give you a different perspective on things, which may quell future arguments.

Another thing, go for a walk. Even if it's just ten or fifteen minutes, get out. You don't even have to talk to anybody if you don't want to, but even a simple thing as this can help break the routine you currently have and, hopefully, how you see things. Plus, it can give you some ideas for your upcoming photography course!

Try to go through your day a little differently, just for a bit. See how it works out for you. If it doesn't, you can always go back to it! But it'll force you to see things a little differently, which may be just what you need.

Just a thought...

LIke the saying goes "And loneliness makes the loudest noise of all."

Do you think or know your girlfriend does not love you ? Hey she has not left you and is still around so she obviously fancys you a bit yeah ? Maybe sit her down and talk to her or decide to make a gesture like cook her a surprise dinner and bring flowers or something and then maybe a plan a weekend away together or talk about those things. Be the first to make more of a couple move then feeling lonely. She may not understand how lonely you feel or feels lonely herself.

Maybe find some hobby or way to pass time that involves being around people or is out of the house then smoking marijuana ?
I know that sometimes substance abuse can become a way to try and fill a void or pass out to not be awake and feeling like crap for the rest of the weekend but i know with how you say you feel it is not making you feel better.
Should take my own advice... have started to though. (a bit)

Why do you not have the ability ? You do just need a motivation or ego boost or something. Do something positive and nice for yourself to start that off.
Your girlfriend has a job .... she has to go about that its to make money and gain independence. Have you tried to look for even part time or a casual 2 -3 day a week job to start off with as full time might be a lot for now to get you out of the house and making some money.

Cook dinner for when she gets home or clean the house. You have all day to do it and it might bring you two closer together again.