I feel like a bad person

I was just reading about BPD from the perspective of exes and family members... which I'm sure you're all familiar with, but I have honestly rarely thought about the people in my life which may have been hurt by my actions.

I never thought that I could make much of an impact on anyone, positive or negative. I feel unimportant... so what does it matter what I do? But reading stories from people who have been hurt, I recognize that I've done some of the same things to people. I still do. And I feel like an awful person... I really do. There's something wrong with me. I feel like I shouldn't be around anyone... because I will probably just hurt them... even despite my best efforts.

I chronically feel like a bad person. I feel like a bad person everyday. I blame myself for things that have happened in the past and in the present. I feel terrible a lot of the time. I don't think you should blame yourself. That is what people tell me but it's hard to sink in when you feel so awful. I'm sorry if this doesn't help at all.

I completely understand how you feel, letha. I think many of us have gone through our lives knowing, or being conditioned to think, that we have always been the black sheep.

I've done a lot of things in my life that I am not particularly proud of. I have hurt people. I have lied. I have completely disregarded others' feelings in place of my own.

But the only things that you can do about this is hope to modify your behavior, and be able to keep things in mind that can help you stay on a positive path.

And another thing I did was make a list of the people I really cared about whom I had hurt, and apologized to them. Some of them via FB, or email, some face to face. Had all kinds of responses. Some F off's, some surprised people happy to hear from me, and some that didn't respond at all. But I realized that my behavior had consequences, and that was something I had to deal with (bitter pill to swallow, but its true).

My heart goes our to you... because we all want to be better.

**hugs**

AMP

i feel like a bad person for not trusting the man i love. he has antisocial personality dissorder to makeit even worse. so when i feel like somethings wrong i am normally right he is up to no good but its hard for me to let it go once he has admitted to his actions. things eat at me so much i cant stand to be in the same room for more then 5 minutes. i want to sabbatage his online accounts knowing hell just make new ones i have been in his emails n ransaced his phone randomly when i find things i was looking for it hurts even more i want to stop n trust but the trust is gone. he is trying meds and seeing a shrink now at my request but i feel like its too late . i feel bad wanting the hurt to stop and feel bad for thinking i should move on with out giving him a chance to change its not going fast enough for me im in a rout a big black deep rout hurting n feeling bad for i know what needs to be done and cant break free from the fear of being alone..

i am like sitting right here in the midst of everyone and feeling like a bad person.
The things i have done, I mean if you heard it -You would just think what have i gotten myself into.
Its like one lie over the other - to cover up - and in the end when it comes out - I sound like a terrible person when initially i was trying to make everyone happy. I hate it. I am going to through it right now. I always look and sound like a bad person. I know i am not. I am just not like that, but could it please just stop happening. I want it to stop. I am starting to feel bad - like i am someone no one should live with. I cant take it any longer.

Letha
One thing you need to remember when reading about us from the perspective of ex's and others is that they're venting as much as relaying. They're frustrated and they're demonizing us as a result. I've read some reports from people who've basically believed we are the root of all evil. The boogey man looks under his bed, worried that we may be there. We're not as bad as we're made out to be. Yes, we have our times, but we aren't this state of perpetual evil.

Caucus
I hear ya on that. I still kick myself for things I did twenty-five years ago. That's one of our things; we can't name five good things about ourselves, but we can name everything we've done wrong since we were in grade three. I think your post did do good; a lot more than you think. It let Letha and the rest of us know that we're not alone, that someone else out there does understand us. Around here, knowing we're not alone is gold.

Ali
Geesh, the girl gets beauty and brains! How'd you get so lucky?

Devon
I understand how you feel bad for not trusting him, but as you said, he has given you reason not to trust him. Yes, you need to stop going through his emails and phone records, but if he has given you cause to not trust him, then you need to stop and take a look at things. He's probably not going to change overnight; can you handle him as he is, for quite some time? Possibly forever? I'm not saying that you should leave him, but you should take a good look at it. Yes, he may be trying to improve himself, but you need to look out for you first! You're more important!

Jaanus
I know that feeling well. I feel like I'd be poison for anyone who got too close to me. But you know what? We're a lot harder on ourselves than others are. I know we see every little flaw, every little screw-up; we see things that nobody else even notices. You may think you're bad, but the rest of the world probably doesn't!

I was just talking to my husband about his family... his mother, who has really done unspeakable things to everyone she knows. She's definitely Histrionic, amongst other things... it sounds like she has BPD as well.

I have never done the kind of damage she has... she seems incapable of even considering the consequences of her actions, and carelessly destroys other people's lives. Really, destroys. So I can understand my husband's anger, his hatred for his mother. She has even wronged me. His resentment is justified. She is a bad person.

But I feel like I am too. I may not have done the things she has done, but I have hurt people, I have been selfish and careless. I asked my husband if he understood his mother, why she is the way she is... he said he can't. But I think I can understand some of her behavior. I have never gone to the lengths she has, but I can almost get it.

So I can't help feeling like I'm almost capable of the same, ruining people's lives... and that I shouldn't be around anyone.

Everyone has done things in their lives that they are not proud of, everyone.
When people do not understand things they become afraid, they become hurt. It all comes down to lack of understanding and confusion.

Confusion begets fear.. Fear begets hurt… hurt begets anger.. It is a vicious cycle that goes round and round. There are people out there that want to help, that want to understand.

There are even people on here that truly love and adore people who suffer with the effects of Bpd. They don’t think that you are evil or inhuman.. They care about you with every fibre of their being. They are proud of what you are doing to overcome the obstacles that have been thrown at you.