I really need some help on this.. I feel I am going mad.. really mad..
My and hubby have gone through some very tough times. For a long time he was in denial about my bpd. Even after seeing my shrink 11 months ago with me and seeing the dx on screen and having the shrink talk to him he has still been in denial.
This has caused many a problem and has added to my stress. He has more recently after nearly moving out (he said he couldn't go through with it cos he loved me so much) been better. Has accepted it all now and is trying. We're trying. He said he will read stuff, try things as have i. I realise how much work I have to do and my hubby has a bit to do too. We were in agreement so much. He was happy. Last week we spoke aboke some more things and one of them was his inability to stay focused. Many a time he has started something and then let it slide and he gets upset because he gets seriously forgetful. He also feels #######5 cos he loses mental alertness etc. He zones out so much.. It's like he is a shell sometimes.. just daydreaming etc. So we spoke about getting a stimulant to see if it may help.
At shopping on Wednesday I picked up some caffeine tablets. Just to see if it may help. When he saw them he said thanks. He took one. Yesterday morning he took his other meds but not the caffeine one. I was confused and said about it and he said..' nah.. well'.. That is all he said. So yesterday I spent the day feeling disappointed and upset.. That turned to anger and whenever he text me from work I would reply but without a kiss on the end etc. I felt pissed. He wanted to know what was up with me. I said I didn't wanna talk about it at the moment.. not through text.
At 5pm I took my daughter to her options evening at the school. We returned. He didn't even ask her how it went. That added to my resentment. After dinner he got up and put his tablet on to go on the net. I went out for a #######1 and as I did I looked at him with resentment. He looked up and caught this look. He came out to me all aggressive saying why I was off with him. What is your problem and then he said there SHOULDN'T be a problem.. ARGH!! I told him I was pissed he hadn't bothered to enquire how she'd got on. He went quiet.
Later on he came up the stairs after I had had a bath. He said sorry for not enquiring with her and that he had done so while I was having a bath. I said yeah okay but I am still pissed that he needed prompting. If it had have been his daughter (my daughter is his step daughter) He would have straight away asked how she'd got on. I never said this part but I know it to be true. He managed to turn it back on me saying he was too busy thinking about me being off with him throughout the day.. When I got back with my daughter earlier he was playing on his tablet and looked fine to me.. not a care in the world. I felt this was an excuse on his part and again twisting it on me. He hates responsibility.
Anyway it caused more tension. Later on I went into the kitchen and picked up his caffeine tabs. He came in and I said I doubt you want these then. He never corrected me. I went to put them in the bin and he tried to stop me. I managed to get them in the bin anyway. He then starts saying I was being nasty. I then question him about it and say how disappointed I was. He then says he didn't want to upset me and tell me he didn't think they would work cos he'd tried them years before and it made no difference. I then asked.. so why did you try and stop me putting them in the bin then? He couldn't answer... wtf.. ARGH!! He also added that he didn't want to upset me. I was totally baffled.. I said to him that he could have just been honest. I wouldn't have been offended and he actually knows this is true. He uses my bpd. Says it could have made me mad or something. This is totally unfair. I would have understood and I told him that. I bought them. He didn't ask me to buy them. I would have understood. I told him this but he kept twisting things. If he isn't blaming my bpd he is saying I would be upset which could then make me rage or something. I just cannot get anywhere with this man.
This is just one example of how he twists things and it ends up that I get mad and the focus is then on me and what I did.. He then doesn't feel he has to address anything that has added to the tension or even if he has caused it full stop.
I say about taking the tablet in the morning.. What do I get?? I am left assuming.. pondering?
I say about throwing them in the bin yet he admits he knew they wouldn't work but tries to stop me throwing them away?
He says he didn't want to upset me but he never thinks how it can be if he isn't truthful in the beginning.?
He then can blame forgetfullness.. This will always be his get out card perhaps because when will he look into something for himself??
Sometimes he says nothing.. I am then left wondering even more. He then says that if he says something I could be made mad.. wtf??
This is all just so unfair. Please.. I welcome constructive critism.. I just feel I am going mad..
His sense of responsibility to every issue is almost non existent and then when he does respond he get's arrogant,mocking and just plain annoying.
I understand there are things I have to try harder to tolerate and be patient with but I also have to be a mind reader? And if I am unpredictable then I'm sorry but he is too.
His behaviour is destrctive to our progress.
I am so sorry for this rant. I just needed to get it out and hope someone can shed some light.. x x
Lots of love
xx
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