Validation

I know there are some recent thread on validation, but I think I need to creat a new one.

How should I react when someone validates my feelings that I am not good/worth/valued?

I think that depends on whether you want them to or not.

I often react negatively to ppl who praise me when I'm sure I've done wrong or to those reacting negatively to something I thought I've done well.

Self value/validation depends largely on you not others (but with BPD it gets muddled IMO).

Maybe this will help. Validation

Nice short film. I enjoyed.

I want to have some value. I want to be good.
But, deeply, I feel I am valueless and no good.
I am ruining everything.
Someone who has an influence on me validated that.

What I am doing is needy, clingy, childish, annoying, whatever.
I see that, but I do that.
My choice of to do or not to do is wrong too often.

I think I'm uncomfortable with this because I know I get that way so often. Therefore I clearly have no answers as to what to do. I can give you a very very long list and what not do to!!

What I will say is that the feelings do pass, if you let them (that's the tricky part). I have had times where that self hating enabled me. I had a reason to give up. Can't win.

But then something changes and you find yourself right back in the middle of things and glad to be there.

Talking about things can really help. Good move there dg.

distortedgirl wrote:Nice short film. I enjoyed.

I want to have some value. I want to be good.
But, deeply, I feel I am valueless and no good.
I am ruining everything.
Someone who has an influence on me validated that.

I get feeling valueless. There is no simple solution for that. It's
something that you have to find within yourself.. Very hard for anyone.
If someone needed your help would you help them? What are you're
good qualities? Do you care for people? Do you have compassion?

It is his opinion... yes? I'll answer that for you... It is..
it's his opinion.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is, do you want
to give him all the influence/power over you with what is just an opinion?
What makes his opinion right?
What if someone came along and said the complete opposite? They
said you're a really caring and great person..
You have two opinions, in conflict, and you choose who you want to
believe.

It's 1 person.. I'm sure there are many more that would side with this person.
There is an equal number that would say your a great person.

The point I'm getting at... that's his opinion, and someone else will
have a different opinion.. That is a fact.. Someone will have a different
opinion. What opinion do you want to believe?

You can have one person that says your no good.. an opinion
You can have another person that says your great... also an opinion..

You don't have to believe either.. YOU can decide how you perceive
yourself, and work on changing that if you want to.

I"m not sure if this helped or not.. I'm trying to give you different perspectives.
I person's opinion really doesn't matter all that much.. in the big picture.
YOU are the one that has the power to accept or reject it...

I get this is also hard to do to, because I struggle with it... It's you though
that has to decide what you want to believe.

Iwoya wrote:What I will say is that the feelings do pass, if you let them (that's the tricky part). I have had times where that self hating enabled me. I had a reason to give up. Can't win.

let them go is hard. I hold many feelings that I want let go.

Iwoya wrote:But then something changes and you find yourself right back in the middle of things and glad to be there.

I am not sure what is myself. good or bad or nothing.

cboxpalace wrote:It's 1 person.. I'm sure there are many more that would side with this person.
There is an equal number that would say your a great person.

Not so many people have as much infuence over me as the person does.

cboxpalace wrote:I think the question you need to ask yourself is, do you want
to give him all the influence/power over you with what is just an opinion?

This is true that I give him the power. If I don't allow, his words would not have the power over me.

I like people who give me positive words, because I can see some value in me by those words. I need to find my value by myself, but it is very difficult. When I am stressed out, I want to give up everything. If I allow my self-hate to take over me, it will be easier. I don't want it though.

I am glad that I have here to write down something, and can get some response from you guys.
Thanks.

distortedgirl wrote:I am not sure what is myself. good or bad or nothing.

This is hard! It is for me too, and probably a lot of us. I can't speak in regards to you, because I don't know your situation. It seems reasonable to me that people develop this sense about themselves from an early age, and probably most of what determines how they perceive themselves comes from external factors.. such as friends, supportive home environment. They have good friends that treat them well, and a supportive and loving home environment therefore they must be good. Maybe this is how they develop their sense of self. From external as well as internal factors.

For many us, we don't have that. Maybe it's our fault, maybe it's because of our environment, or maybe a combination of both. The point is.. we don't have it. We have to create it. Often is the case that we don't have these external factors that can help us identify if were good or bad or whatever. We have to find it. I wrote about this in my thread (Validation I guess). It may not show, but I know within me that ultimately I"m a good and caring person, that does care about others. How do I know that, well, I'm writing to you now.. because I care. I can use all of this to be my foundation. Here's maybe the difference between us and a non.. I don't have external factors telling me this is true. I have to rely soley on what I believe to be true about myself. It's hard...

This doesn't solve or fix anything really. It gives me something to relate to or a starting point. I have to trust it's true that I'm a good person. Hopefully, the more successful I can be with the skillys I'm learning it will begin to validate this belief about myself, but right now I just have to trust is true, and that is I'm a good person.

cboxpalace wrote:It's 1 person.. I'm sure there are many more that would side with this person.
There is an equal number that would say your a great person.

*******
Not so many people have as much infuence over me as the person does.

This is tough, because I don't think you'll be successful here until you figure out what I wrote about above. Because, right now you don't know whether you're good, bad, or neither.. As long as, you don't know you'll probably be easily influenced. You have nothing else to go off of. If you determine that you're a good person and are willing to trust it. Then you can work at not being so easily influenced. Then it's a matter of thinking rationally vs. thinking emotionally. Emotionally what he is telling you influences... Rationally it really doesn't matter what he thinks, because someone else will think different.. This becomes like a mind game where you have to keep reminding yourself that rationally, whatever negative influence he has over you, isn't true. Mental focus.

I need to find my value by myself, but it is very difficult.

very difficult, and see what I wrote up above..

When I am stressed out, I want to give up everything. If I allow my self-hate to take over me, it will be easier. I don't want it though.

I totally get this and I think many others do as well. I've done some things recently that I view has mentally "healthy". I've had a lot of control over that, regardless.. it's still improvement. It's still in the back of my mind though what if something happens unexpectedly, how will I deal with it, and what will happen. This girl that I wrote about in (My Journey) thread.. What if.. things keep going great, our friendship gets back on track and then 6 months later out-of-the blue she disappears. That could send me into a tailspin.. It's my job to remain mindful that she could disappear, and she has her own issues and I had nothing to do with it. I like to think that would be sufficient.. Who knows.. If I ever get to the point where I consider myself in remission from bpd. It would be remission, doesn't mean it's gone, and the bpd could always resurface. I guess we take it day by day and focus on the victories we do have..

cbox is correct;

The hard part is understanding that others opinions are just that... opinions. and opinions are derived from each individuals perspective.

For example:
Someone comes up to you and asks you a question, you snap “WHAT!”… right away their perception of you is “btch” , so their opinion of you is that you are a btch. They have no idea that you have had a very bad day; tripped down the stairs, were late for work, got cut off and flipped the bird, and so on.

And when a person has no sense of self they will take other peoples opinions to heart, way more than the normal to semi-normal people do.
some people don’t care what others think about them because they are secure in their own skin. But when you are full of self doubt you will take opinions and turn them into the Himalayas.
Trust me, EVERYONE doubts at one time or another. We read more into opinions than necessary, especially if they are negative.

Validating is a very hard thing.. It is supposed to be done so the lines of communication can be open and honest. To validate you must first acknowledge the others persons feelings, then try to understand those feelings, then to nurture.
We allow you to express your feelings, and let you know that it is ok to have those feelings , that we respect your “perception” of those feelings, and let you know that we HAVE HEARD what you have said. We do not have to agree with the feelings..

So if you say to this ‘Person” that you feel ‘no good” or “without value” and they agree with you.. That is not validating.

If you were to say to me.. “mf, I feel like I am no good”.. my answer to you would be.. “dg, I am sorry that you feel that you are no good, and I can see that it upsets you very much, would you like to talk about why you are feeling this way?” That is validating. I might not have Agreed with your reasons, because they are your opinions, and mine might be different… but I did hear what you had to say.

guys,

Thank you for caring about me.