Don't want to sound pathetic (possibly triggering)

I'm scared to write this but not sure where else to turn. I also think maybe a lot of diagnoses BPDs will hate me for posting here but I guess its worth a try. I fear I have BPD.
The intense anger is a major thing, an example was the other day my boyfriend said he'd be upstairs in 5 mins. 50 minutes later he still hadn't. He'd simply lost track of time but I got so angry I threw things at him, threw his bags out the door, told him I hated him and scratched his arm up badly.
In the past all my anger was internalised into self harm but now all I do is take it out on my boyfriend of 2 years who takes it really well bless him, he understands... sometimes
Binge eating, stealing things, suicidal thoughts and one attempt, stopped by the boyfriend... I've spent days in bed avoiding college and work which is why I initially thought it was depression.

Ugh I don't know I'd just like some guidance. I'm also incredibly scared my doctor will just think I'm being silly if I say I think I have BPD, I mean why would I self diagnose? It's stupid.

Also, sorry I was so anxious I missed some things. I get anxiety especially when alone and get panic attakcs. I've been to counselling a total of 7 different times (not sessions, but to 7 different counsellors) when I feared I had depression, but it feels like... 'more'? With the anger and impulsivity, and pushing people away then wondering why I did it. Especially after I have an anger 'episode' or suicial one I think "that wasn't me?" I just feel very lost and confused and annoyed as it's been the same for so many years I just want answers. I'm so paranoid my doctor with think me stupid for thinking I have it but I don't want it to be shrugged off again as nothing as it's affecting my life.

Does sound like you could have BPD, but I really suggest you get a diagnosis and get help, because you seriously cannot harm your boyfriend. Do what you like to yourself, but don't scratch his arm up, that isn't fair, he'll only end up leaving you for the abuse.

Please get help.

Thank you, I know, that's what I hate the most is that I'm hurting other people. He says he doesn't 'mind' but it doesn't matter if he thinks it's ok or not because it's not ok

You are not pathetic.

You have a lot of strong BPD symptoms so maybe go and see someone professional for a proper diagnosis/help . xox

Lia Interrupted wrote:Does sound like you could have BPD, but I really suggest you get a diagnosis and get help, because you seriously cannot harm your boyfriend. Do what you like to yourself, but don't scratch his arm up, that isn't fair, he'll only end up leaving you for the abuse.

Please get help.

Lia.....

I'm quite shocked that you feel you have the qualification to diagnose Lolly... and also that you advise Lolly to 'do what she likes to herself' !! WTH????

Everyone with BPD is different and although symptoms or certain ones that are dominant show strong BPD traits in which we can say "yes it sounds BPD." but overall can not give out straight up diagnosises or professional advice.
Some people with BPD will not understand the disorder at first as most of us have probably been there & may not list black / white splitting or abandonment fears because they do not see it in themselves or understand how they relate to that so we can't say "no doesn't sound like you have it." because we don't know for sure. It is important to encourage anyone that does post wanting to know if they are or not to see a professional to properly diagnosis. That is my opinion anyway not in any place to judge others or believe someone is wrong if they say someone is BPD or not. I have probably done it before anyway.

Lolly, wondering how you are and if you spoke to a professional yet about your possible BPD ?

Thank you all so much for your support. I went to a doctor about 3 or 4 weeks ago initially for depression. I went back to her today (she's a lovely doctor) with my boyfriend who helped me explain everything.
She was very helpful and referred me to a psychologist which I will be seeing in about 3 weeks. It was difficult to explain how I felt and that I thought I had BPD so I wrote it all down as a sort of letter. It was very stressful and difficult but hopefully things will get better from here on out, or at least I'll have answers.
Thank you all again

-- Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:04 pm --

Also I forgot to add, one of the possible treatments the doctor suggested after talking to the psychologist is CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which I am completely up for, as I am (for lack of a better phrase) sick and tired of counselling. I do not feel like I need to talk my issues through as I can openly talk to my boyfriend and others.
This is something new and I am excited to try it with open arms, though I know it will take time

miss_understood wrote:

Lia Interrupted wrote:Does sound like you could have BPD, but I really suggest you get a diagnosis and get help, because you seriously cannot harm your boyfriend. Do what you like to yourself, but don't scratch his arm up, that isn't fair, he'll only end up leaving you for the abuse.

Please get help.

Lia.....

I'm quite shocked that you feel you have the qualification to diagnose Lolly... and also that you advise Lolly to 'do what she likes to herself' !! WTH????

She's not diagnosing her. She's merely stating her opinion. Notice she says 'you could have'.

Lolly, I found Mindfulness really helpful with controlling my anger. I think quite a few of us on here ues it to help with the BPD.

Also, Trauma Release Exerciese has helped a lot too, I am much more calm than i used to be.

miss_understood wrote:... and also that you advise Lolly to 'do what she likes to herself' !! WTH????

To rationalize it... If I harm myself, I am the one harmed and the others are just hurt. If I harm another I have harmed the both of us. The legal results alone for physically harming another are plenty good reason to focus on myself.