I'm ruining my relationship!

Hi there,
I am new to the forum, and guess I'll just let it out a bit....hopefully to let some tension go--maybe get some support-and get on with the day.

I'm Terrified. I am terrified that I am going to sabbatoge everything good in my life with these paranoid thoughts that I have. I have a great partner, but I look at him sometimes and see a complete stranger looking at me. I see him look in any other girl's direction, and in my mind, completely (and irrationally) throw my hands in the air because it's over...because I believe he wishes he was with someone normal, someone who laughs genuinely, someone who he doesn't have to reassure. I get quiet with him, I percieve any tiny slight towards me as an indication that "I WAS RIGHT!" Almost relieved that I know he sees what a peice of s*** I am and is sick of me, just like I am sick of me.

It's a new relationship, and hes been pretty supportive of my BS-because he's trying to learn about BPD and understand it. But I am a complete rollercoaster. It's spilling into all areas of my life. I look at any other girl and see how he could be happier 'with her'! To all other eyes, I am this bright shining person, enthusiastic, and talkative....no one knows the real me...he's the closest to it. And I KNOW i'm gonna screw it up with this craziness....no one can put up with this for long. Is this the way relationships work when someone has BPD??--mind you, i'm pretty certain I've had it all my life--just now that I know I have it, I watch myself act up, and hate myself more because I can see it when it's happening. I hate myself afterwards because I fill up with regret, and wish I could just be normal.....anyone else feel this way?

I just want to hide. I just want to cry. I just want the terror in my head to go away, and will do anything to stop it! I'm getting more and more desperate to rid myself of the pain....I am taking antidepressants, but don't think they work--any one have suggestions for meds?

i know exactly how you feel. being with someone understanding and realizing that a realtionship is 50/50 is a good start.

keep on trusting and be trustworthy. i ruin my 4 year realtionship on a weekly basis. things get bad and things get good.

oh and you have to love yourself too. they say that borderlines are great partners, they are emotional and understanding. we are also loyal and usually insanely intelligent.

why wouldn't he want to be with you? just don't push him away. and stay with therapy, he'll understand that much more as long as he sees that you are trying to help and love yourself!

Hi, Hopeful. If I haven't done so already, welcome to the nuthouse!

Like Heather, I certainly do empathize with you, as I suspect many here do. In relations, we overanalyze every little thing our partner does. Add to that the fact that guys are notorious for openly looking (as opposed to you girls, who are a little more subtle about it), and it makes it just that much more difficult to handle. For what it's worth, he's probably looking at the other girl and thinking "yeah, she's hot, but my girlfriend's hotter."

I know you may not see much of value in yourself, but he obviously does. If he's making the effort to learn about BPD and how it affects you and him, he's in this for the long haul. Reading up on mental disorders of your girlfriend is a pretty heavy thing for a guy to do; it's a lot more involved than learning the main characters on your favourite show. This guy wants to be with you, and he wants to stay with you.

Next time you see him, give him a big hug, a sweet kiss, and tell him you love him. Because he sure loves you.

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the kind support, I really appreciate it! You're right, it is a good indication that he's looking into the disorder, so he can understand me more. I will surely give him a kiss when I see him next.

I was looking through my email and found a letter that I had written to him before I knew I had BPD--I find it interesting reading it again now, after being diagnosed...seeing the confusion I was going through....and seeing all the signs were there of BPD just in this one letter.


This is the letter to him--wasnt sent to him though...just saved.
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So I am trying to verbalize what it is that I am feeling, what has sent me reeling into feeling lost, insecure, and incredibly anxious.

I feel as though the same fear of losing you is also what is ultimately pushing you away. And it’s a horrible double edged sword that I am at this point unable to fight off, and is plaguing my every thought—hence not sleeping.



I have this feeling, this deep feeling of anxiety, and I am trying to figure out if it’s a ‘gut’ feeling that knows that something isn’t right, or if it’s my head exaggerating situations into something other that what they truly are. We so often tell ourselves to trust our guts, and dismiss them, dismiss those small voices, and then kick ourselves afterwards for not listening to the signs! I am at a point where I’m feeling paranoid! Not knowing the difference between ‘gut feeling’ and ‘crazy’.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel so unattached from reality at this point, and this fear has taken on a life of its own. I am constantly looking out for what you might be doing to reject me, hurt me, or who is in your line of sight that you may be wanting to move on to. I admire and respect you. I think you’re wonderful, ambitious, hardworking, and a catch for anyone. I feel inferior. I feel that I won’t be enough. I look in the mirror and find myself getting more and more critical of every single inch of what I see. I hate what I see, it makes me sick. Not good enough, too fat, too stupid, too lazy, too weak to keep someone like you around….and so I get mad. I get mad because I feel like I am being duped into this, into loving someone who will hurt me, break my heart, and leave me—and I’m the stupid one as always, just sitting on the sideline waiting for it to happen. That I will bring you into my life, introduce you to my friends and family, spend money and invest time into you like crazy…all that will go unnoticed when you decide there’s something more exciting out there, and drop me like I never existed.

I was euphoric for a little, after meeting you. Feeling that you liked me, and deriving a sick sense of self from that admiration that I felt you had for me. Your interest in me made me feel good, because I caught your attention. But now that feelings are involved, now that we’re talking about commitments, future, family, goals, God, I can’t handle this! I want to run. I want to leave you before you leave me. I want to split, before you REALLY get the chance to break my heart, because I know that heartbreak from you would kill me!

I fear that you have habits and desires that will be unacceptable to me. I find that I am having sex with you now, less out of enjoyment, and more to try and quench your thirst for it, so that you don’t have to look elsewhere or think about other people. But the more I do it, the more I lose interest in it, the more I fear your disgust with me, that you think that I’m just a sex object who you will surely get sick of. That you will dream of other people while you’re with me, and that you too will force yourself to pretend that you’re having enjoyment with me, even though it isn’t so. That you’re doing it to prove that you’re better than my fears….for now at least. Until I get to you with my bulls***, until you’ve seen me sleepless and crying too many times, until you’ve taken enough of my weakness, seen me for the crap that I am, and left me in pursuit of someone beautiful, happy, strong, smart, sexy, and radiant with confidence. Someone who isn’t me.

I am absolutely terrified.

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Hopeful

Hopeful,

First of all, I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for you and your bravery in sharing such personal details. This is the first time in my life I have read words that explain what I'm going through. I am in tears reading your unsent email as I lay in bed next to my incredibly amazing boyfriend whose perfectly happy, like able, smart, positive brain is blissfully asleep. I cannot tell you how many times I have written a similar letter and I constantly think to myself, why the hell is this person still here. There must be something going on like he just needs me to fill a void for now until he bumps into some beautiful smart funny happy girl and realized what a time and energy suck I am. And even though I can't even bear the thought of ever losing him or him ever being with someone else, sometimes I wish it would happen just so he could be happy. I feel so selfish. I know how I get when I'm upset, angry or uncomfortable. I know how insecure, needy and irritable I can be. But in most of the moments I just "see red" and can't stop myself from acting in a way that I know isn't healthy or constructive;that me and my boyfriend crazy and has threatened our relationship for several months now. It wasn't always like this but now that it is I don't know how to go back. This is probably a dumb question but are we screwed up enough to need counseling? Is this fixable? I dread even the word counseling but is that my only chance to keep the man of my dreams? Thank you again, Rose