BPD Mindgames - on myself.

Ugh... I want it to stop!

I felt slighted by my boyfriend last night because he didn't feel like having sex. Every time he isn't in the mood I automatically think that it's because he's seeing someone else...annoyed with me...planning on dumping me...it is horrible that I equate sex with how worthy I am to my boyfriend. Sometimes I don't want to have sex.. and it's nothing to do with him. So why do I think it's all about me?

Then, this morning, I felt like he wasn't paying enough attention to me. Simply because he was getting ready for school (I was busy getting ready too). I have very little evidence that he was being "mean" or evidence that he is about to break up with me... but for some reason, since he wasn't ALL OVER ME this morning and telling me he loves me every three seconds I have decided in my head that now that I'm at work, I am going to 'show him' and not talk to him all day and be resentful and angry and get revenge.

Revenge for WHAT? We have a healthy and loving relationship. Every time he isn't focusing all of his energy on me I turn it into this huge motion picture drama in my head.

Do you guys do this too? I hate that my BPD doesn't just let things be as they are...

I hate that I can't just accept that yeah, maybe my boyfriend's every thought doesn't revolve around me...

I hate that I interpret all of his behaviours to be a direct result of how he feels about ME.. especially when I spend all day brewing over it and don't even get to enjoy the little things in my life because all I can think about is my boyfriend and how to get him to love me more.

Thoughts, anyone? I know some of you do this tooooooooo

Replying to myself...

All my BPD mindgames are wrong again

Here I am thinking that my boyfriend hates me and is going to dump me

I've been at work for only 2 hours and he just called me because he "just wanted to say hi" and he wanted to tell me how much he loves me.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

I put myself through so much stress thinking my boyfriend is about to next me FOR WHAT

What purpose does this even serve? It just makes us get into fights and it makes me feel extremely unhappy all the time.

BPD go away. Please.

-- Tue Mar 20, 2012 10:16 am --

One last thing..

Other than my BPD I feel like I am a really fun and cool person to be friends with.

My BPD makes those aspects of my personality barely visible, at least to myself.

If I didn't have BPD I feel like I would absolutely thrive socially.

I think a part of our BPD is paranoia.

Most of us have had very inconsistent or fragile relationships with important people, so we continue to treat others as if they all act like that one person.
We're constantly afraid that at any moment something we say/do/are will offend them enough that they will not like us anymore. I believe many of us base our worth on our own performance, and so we have unstable relationships with ourselves.

To compensate we become very adept at working the social scene and being a likable person, but it doesn't take away the bouts of paranoia we have about other people.


I have issues with my best friend (poor guy..) because I'm quick to believe he doesn't care about having me around. Usually we work through it and it all turns out well, but I think it's still pretty hard on him.
Noticing that you're doing it and telling yourself not to is a good first step I think.
Something that's helped me a lot is getting myself to trust my best friend. I tell myself that 1. He's going to tell me if anything I do is bothering him; and 2. He's not going to leave me because he cares about me.

you sound exactly like me... lol. all I've managed to do that's helped with it a teensy bit is just constantly reminding myself how much he cares, that he's never done anything bad to me, that he's gone out of his way to be there for me, that he's been putting up with my bpd $#%^ for over a year and still hasn't left, in fact keeps wanting the relationship to evolve further. that he chose me.

it's not much but when it's all you've got in these situations, over time, reminding yourself of these things every time, it does get easier, and these reactions start to get a little more under control.

I hope that helps you a little. best of luck

Oh my, lionsandtigers, this can be me a lot of the time!!!

And I do agree - some of this has to do with paranoia.

And the funny part is, I find that if someone is willing to drop everything in their life to be with me, then my attitude becomes kind of like, "ehh whatever" towards them. I mean, WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? If I wanted them so badly in the first place, and then I have all of them, I don't want them anymore? Ugh.

Sometimes this disorder needs a kick in the pants, and sometimes I feel I'd like to be the one to give that swift kick.

I mean, seriously? I could pine away for YEARS for someone who wants nothing to do with me...


I totally get it. I agree. This is totally BPD'ish of us. :0)


AMP

ARE YOU MY TWIN???? lol

I do this alllll the time!!! I have found a solution to it though. I used to do what you did and not say anything and steam about it all say and ignore my husband. I eventually talked to him about this and he told me "Wow why didn't you just tell me? I would've made you feel better." So the next time I felt rejected or thought he was mean.. I said exactly how I felt. What did he do? Hugged me, said sorry and that he loved me and wanted to have a nice day and then said a silly joke to make me laugh lol. So now everytime I feel that way I just tell him and he changes my mind within 5 minutes or less. Try it!!

MissAli- I can't stop laughing. I do that everyday almost. My husband will be watching a movie or show and I'll feel ignored and tell him to stop and pay attention to me and when he does, I'm kind of like ehhh go back to watching it. Haha!

lionsandtigers wrote:Ugh... I want it to stop!

I felt slighted by my boyfriend last night because he didn't feel like having sex. Every time he isn't in the mood I automatically think that it's because he's seeing someone else...annoyed with me...planning on dumping me...it is horrible that I equate sex with how worthy I am to my boyfriend. Sometimes I don't want to have sex.. and it's nothing to do with him. So why do I think it's all about me?

:

Oh man, This is me, EXACTLY-- I feel the exact same way in my relationship...any sign of even the tiniest slight, and boom--I'm in my head planning the break up-trying to disconnect, and deeming it over --just like i thought it was going to be! I feel the same way as you....completely selfish and guilty that it's all about me, all about my feelings and perceptions...and then I just turn inwards... I can't speak, and ANYONE can tell that something's up....completely ruining the situation while I deal with my mind's BS......I am sorry you're gong through this too. You're not alone by any means.

sometimes I just want to leave first because I know my partner is going to leave me. why would anyone stay with an insecure, paranoid, and selfish person!? Do you ever find it hard though to figure out what to say to your partner at the moment---it always seems so stupd the things that trigger me. and I am too ashamed to mention it--Ex) If I saw him staring at some chick in a skirt when he thought I wasn't looking at him.....then all of a sudden I am in full mute mode.


This is a double edged sword isn't it? Fear and Guilt--the game I play...you're not alone.

MissAli wrote:And the funny part is, I find that if someone is willing to drop everything in their life to be with me, then my attitude becomes kind of like, "ehh whatever" towards them. I mean, WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? If I wanted them so badly in the first place, and then I have all of them, I don't want them anymore? Ugh.

This is me, 100%. It is soooooo annoying.

Thanks for all the responses!

I really need to get this aspect of my BPD under control. Not only is it totally unfair to my boyfriend... it is torturous for me.

My boyfriend made a really good point to me the other day about how we get in these arguments about absolutely NOTHING. Because of my skewed perceptions. Most couples don't have these petty arguments. We have them all the time... because I read into every little thing and blow every thing out of proportion.

This I want to share: I'm a little worried because I had a blow out at my boyfriend the other day.

Scene: I came home from work expecting him to be there because we had plans after I got home. When I came inside the apartment, he wasn't there. His bike was, though, and so was his bag. I yelled his name and looked in all the rooms & he wasn't anywhere to be found... So what do I do? FREAK OUT, of course!

I started texting him and calling him and walking down the block looking for him... I felt like I was going blind with rage and fear. I started to flip out in public. I must have looked so bewildered. I went between thinking something horrible had happened to him and that he had decided to leave me. Just swinging between those two thoughts. I figured in my mind it had to be one or the other. No way I could actually consider that maybe something horrible HADN'T HAPPENED.

It was the most anxiety ridden 15 minutes I have had in a while.

All of a sudden my phone rang and it was my boyfriend. I was walking back up to the apartment by then... go inside... there he was. I immediately started screaming "WHERE WERE YOU? WHAT THE HELL!!!!" and he got really pissed off. He said he was just upstairs at our landlord's house and wasn't expecting me for a few more minutes and had left his phone in our apartment. He was furious at me. He said he is so sick of me blowing up at him for no reason, and that he doesn't deserve it. I said I was so sorry... and humiliated.. we ended up making up, and he said he understands that I struggle with this kind of stuff but reminded me it is really hard for him to deal with.

Later that evening he brought it up again, saying how me coming home like that was messed up and out of line. I agree. I've been trying so hard since this episode to keep it together... and not freak out about things like this. I am really trying. It is so hard.

Honestly, I barely enjoy doing anything when I'm away from my boyfriend because all I can think about is

a. what he is doing right now
b. why he hasn't texted/called me
c. why he seemed grumpy this morning... omg what did I do?
d. what is going to happen when I get off of work today? are we going to meet up? (EVEN THOUGH WE LIVE TOGETHER... OBVIOUSLY WE WILL MEET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

It is so frustrating